The rain it raineth every day

Weatherwise– yeah please fucking stop so I can get in my garden.  Poor plants have been buried in snow are now going to be drowning.  Everything is covered in mud but still somehow overgrowing.


Someone close to me died yesterday.  In their sleep, of an illness and they were old… so speaking of in terms of okay deaths that’s pretty much the dream I hear.  It’s dumb because you have people in your lives for so long that you think they’re indestructible.  You pretty much take them for-granted because they’ve always been there.


There’s a continual sigh in my chest, on the inside.  That sad sighing feeling where there’s a cloud of miasma in there where air should be.  Right in the middle of my chest.  It feels like there’s a bruise somewhere in there.


It’s not that I’m sad in some ways that he’s dead, I’m sad for his wife.  They were only married to each other their whole lives and now all of a sudden that person has disappeared, there’s just spaces where they used to be.  The crazy thing is that she has been ill off and on for a long time but not him… so now of course everyone is talking about THE NEXT THING and I just can’t even cope with that idea.


In the wider picture, I suppose I’ve been better.  Less depressive but more self destructive and self hating.  I don’t think the self hating is ever going to go away though.  I don’t see how something that has been going on for so long is just going to stop.


I still have no money from my old job that evaporated.  New job is fine.  I am appreciating the short commute but not so the smaller wage but then that’s the price you pay.  I drove past where I used to commute at 12.30 today and the traffic was already tailing back so I can’t comprehend what it’s like during the rush hour.


I want to run away at the moment and hide from the world.  I just want to cocoon myself on the sofa and let it absorb me.


With the recent thoughts of death I considered the atheist thing again and the idea that there’s literally nothing on the other side.  It isn’t what I believe but I can appreciate it still.  I wouldn’t feel ripped off (well I wouldn’t feel anything).  Just finishing would be awesome.  No more please, I am done.


Who the fuck would want to come back to this shit show anyway?


Maybe I’m not as good as I thought

So I haz job now.  Only because I started late it wasn’t worth them paying me for two days… and their payday is the middle of the month… so it feels less like a job and more like volunteer work at the moment.


On the plus side, the job is 10mins from my house in my car and I literally go to one office and stay there rather than having to do dumb shit like drive 2 hrs away from my house at 6pm for two late appointments and then get stuck in traffic.


My previous ‘job’ that made me redundant after a month are still not officially in administration so I have 0 monies from them and my job seekers obviously stopped when I got a job.  My poor, abused and used savings account.. I’m so sorry…


I keep fucking up at work… which I guess given I’ve been there 3 official weeks is okay but not to my perfectionist mind.  I’m used to having training when I start a new job but this was pretty much ‘here sit at the front desk and I, your manager, will sit next to you occasionally but mainly hover in the background while doing my own stuff’.  It’s been a learning curve.


In any event, I was sat at my desk just having been shouted at by a man because he owes rent arrears (which he does) and had a letter telling me this.  I didn’t feel bothered by it, I just couldn’t help him directly… and then my manager tells me that it’s okay to feel rattled and I can take a break if I want.  And I start off thinking ‘woman please I’ve dealt with far worse than this, I don’t care…’ and then I felt the tension in my body and my face and I realised that she was right.
It’s like I’m so out of touch with my feelings and it’s no wonder how I ended up like this.  I had no clue that the call had wound me up that badly until she’d said it… so then not only was I sat there trying to get my head around it but I’d also felt like I’d been walking around without my game face on…  No one, in any job I’ve ever worked in, has ever really asked how I was or if I was okay unless I actually started crying… which is probably about 3 times maybe.  So then I felt like I’ve lost something in that I’m wondering whether this lady is just very perceptive or if me dealing with all my shit has meant I’ve lost my ability to hide.
Which I don’t like…. but I’m sure is something positive in the long run.


Thankfully things are going well with the guy I am ‘seeing’ but I cannot for the life of me comprehend why he would waste his time on me or think I’m beautiful at all.  He reminded me of the dreaded Corporate Gift Giving Day on the horizon and I’d completely forgotten about it..  I think part of it is because I’ve got so used to descending into the bunker of solitude during that day and part of it is because I’ve got someone who seems to genuinely love me… so I don’t really need a big bear..


So roll on pay day and bring on the apathy about having a job and the taking forgranted of being in a relationship so I can be vaguely human again kthnx

I want to vomit up all my organs

That’s literally the level of stress I feel at the moment.  It feels like I’m continually charged with static electricity.


I’m supposed to start my new job next week but I’m waiting on the references from my previous jobs that were asked for… before Xmas.  I’ve got one down (I think) but as per usual the big corporation I worked for has apparently passed the request through 2 departments already and the job before the one that blew up is also making me wait.


There is nothing I can do about this.  I don’t want to alienate my previous bosses given… I will still need references.  The most frustrating thing being is that none of this is my fucking fault and yet here I am.  One of my bills bounced last week and all my Xmas bills have hit my account.  My savings account is doing its best to keep me afloat without any sign of being topped up any time soon…


It’s vomiting up my organs or ripping my face off while doing a death screech.
If you haven’t guessed I don’t deal well with situations where I can’t do anything about what is going on.
Until I get both references my new job is delayed.  I can’t contact the unemployment people until I know when my definite start date is.


**vomit vomit screech screech**


In other news I was told by my new boyfriend that I’m being too smothering and I need to ‘pour this affection somewhere else’ because I’m telling him that I love him too often.  I had a think about it and read a few articles etc…  I don’t tell him in order to hear it back (I mean this genuinely), I tell him because otherwise it just wells up and sits in my brain uncomfortably…  I think I do it because I have no love for myself at all, especially at the moment.  I’m trying to go back to healthy eating and not drinking so much diet coke anymore to help this but… ugh…  I know I don’t love myself in the slightest.



I guess the easy solution would be to get a dog or something but if I do EVER FEEL LIKE I’VE ACTUALLY GOT A FUCKING JOB it’s going to be bedtime tag team given I’ll be leaving at 8am and coming back for 6pm and he’ll be coming back for 8am and waking up at 6pm…  Limited psycho exposure.


I opened up to my friends via a non-vaguebook post about things and a lot of people sent me private messages to tell me about their struggles with depression, including one of my friends I had no clue about who is currently where I was in about June…  The joke of it being while my Dr was willing to throw medication at me from the start, hers wouldn’t.. even though she has kids.  Which I’m pretty sure isn’t what they’re supposed to do as I got asked (by the 1400 departments I had to talk to about me feeling suicidal) whether I had kids or not.


In my continued ramblings…  I think the thing about being over 30 and child free is starting to kick in a bit.  Not in me wanting them just…  when I was with my ex I think because we’d been together for so long I’d kind of just expected it to happen at some point.  It would have been awful and that kid wouldn’t have stood a chance… so I’m glad it didn’t… but I think I’d subconsciously made certain decisions with the expectation that it might.  Or that it was best to plan that way just in case…


Now I’m with someone who has kids already kind of… predone…  I just don’t know what to do with them.  I mean I can interact with kids fine but I want to help him with them and I feel like there’s this imaginary line between me and them.  They don’t really know me at all yet, let alone that I’m the evil (sort of) step-mother and they’re too young to get it at the moment…  So when he leaves me with them (with his family around and about) I and they start crying… I just feel useless.


One of my friends that I was really close to has kind of continually had children/been knocked up for the past 6 years now and I just get treated like I don’t exist because I don’t have kids.  I get treated like because I don’t have kids the only time I’d ever see her is a bar or something so she couldn’t possibly meet up with me.  NYE was the first time I’d spoken to her properly in about a year…..


I’m kind of looking forward to this year but I can’t see past where I am now and this static discharge feeling and wanting to throw up.  If future me could tell me that everything is going to be okay that would be ace… but she still hasn’t cracked timetravel out yet.



Festive thoughts

So all over Xmas eve and Xmas day I felt like I was getting punched in the face by emotions.


I am in no way Christian but I ended up at church and found myself welling up at every single thing.  I went to my family gathering and got overwhelmed by the people and by my aunt saying to me in a very meaningful way ‘look after yourself’ when I said goodbye.  We watched Zootropolis (of all things) and I got teared up.


I finally got to bed and got to be (relatively) alone with my thoughts that night and I started crying because I finally had the space enough to realise why.  It’s because in the back of my mind the entire time my brain was sending the hidden message of ‘you nearly weren’t here’.


I wouldn’t have spent Xmas with my boyfriend because I wouldn’t have met him.  I wouldn’t have spent Xmas day with my dorky and amazingly weird family (who I love) because I’d be dead.  I can’t imagine my mom would have spent it with them either… or I would have been the literal ghost at the feast.


So I cried and I woke him up even though I was trying not to.  And this foolish man told me how much he loved me, how much he wanted to stay with me.  More crying followed.


This year has been a bitch.  But I got him.


I got this man that can’t understand why telling me all these lovely things makes me cry and I realised it’s because I went from spending 7 years with someone who didn’t want to commit to anything (least of all me), to someone who wears their heart on their sleeve.  I was worried he was just in it for an easy ride so then the fates stripped things away and made my life harder… and he was still there.


I have a constant fear that my stability and the things that make me happy will go away, courtesy of my childhood…  I can’t help from feeling that and it isn’t something that I can easily fix.  All I can do is hope that I’m wrong about him and hope for the best when it comes to this new job.



Babble babble bitch bitch

My inner voice is utterly battering the shit out of me today.
I had a pre-xmas counselling session booked in case all of my job interviews turned up with nothing but thankfully I’ve had two offers and I’m taking one forward.  As a result I cancelled the appointment I was supposed to have had…


I’ve been in tears today just battling from one thing to another.  Even during my mandatory ‘going outside and mingling with people’ shift where I went to the shops.


Things definitely seem to be focusing on me not trusting my judgement anymore.  I guess it’s understandable… first I decide to bury my head in the sand rather than realising what a cock my ex was and then secondly I decide to jump to a new job which explodes on impact…


My ‘financial issues’ button is really getting hammered as well thanks to unexpected Xmas present buying and then the money from being made redundant not turning up because my ex-employer seems to be managed by morons.


Someone I used to work with told me off for not coming to him to say what had happened and I had to explain that it was a mixture of battered pride and anxiety (along with a load of legal things) that meant I hadn’t.  He said they would have sorted me out jobwise which then made the flag go up about the fact my new potential job would be a definite pay drop from what I’ve been on.  But at the same time it’s close to where I live and it doesn’t involve selling anything.  It’s also not working for some giant soulless corporation (though part of me did revel in the horrible sadism of working for the Empire).


Over the past few days my fatigue has really, really, really kicked in.  I’m getting tired at 9 and wanting to go to bed but then caffeinating myself to try and stay up longer… which of course is super healthy.


I’m trying to enjoy my ‘time off’ now I have a potential job sorted and it’s not working.  I don’t have the usual distraction of my boyfriend around as he’s dealing with seasonal family stuff.  Meanwhile my job offer are scrabbling round trying to get references when everyone who classes themselves as managerial tends to be off from now until the new year.


So I’m plowing hours into videogames instead where I can feel like I’m achieving something.


Is vomiting up my organs a positive life choice?  It’s what I feel like doing.

Skipping stones


My head is full of anxiety gnats.  It’s the only way I can think to describe it. Since about 1pm today I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of foreboding and anxiety.


Some of it won’t be helped by the fact that it’s been snowing and I’ve had my mom flapping at me over the phone about coming to visit me before Xmas.  I don’t know whether I really want her here or not, just that I know she wanted to come here.


My friend who is seemingly now not really my friend anymore now I’ve lost my patience was on about me seeing her tonight but then never responded to my text when I asked her if she was awake still…  So I think I’ve been psyching myself up for a debate that didn’t end up happening.  I don’t deal well with confrontation and even though it wasn’t really going to be a confrontation as such it was still going to be… something.  I get that when people have kids that their priorities shift etc etc.  But please don’t go round vaguebooking that you don’t have any friends.  Maybe it’s because you don’t speak to the ones you have on their best days, let alone when they’re possibly going to start drowning in depression again.
It’s been trying to come back.  I went to counselling last week thinking I was okay and then it turned out after crying hysterically that I definitely wasn’t.  I felt a bit better for getting it out but I still feel so tired.  I slept for well over 10 hours last night and could have kept going but I’m not really doing anything.


Stresses I have at the moment:

1 – Remaining interview

2 – Awaiting to hear from previous interviews and most probably accepting rejections

3 – When the fuck am I going to get a job?

4 – When the fuck am I going to get the money owed to me by my previous job?

5 – When are they going to ask for their laptop and phone back given they’re still sat in my house making me feel worse every time I look at them?

6 – Xmas

7 – Money


On the other hand I know my dad’s alive so that’s something.  I don’t know what caused the radio silence after his birthday but at least I know I’m not going to get a phonecall from someone for a while yet.  I daren’t tell him that I’ve been made redundant or he’ll probably try and come to see me ¬_¬  As far as he knows I’m still with my ex as well.


On that front…  While this is the guy who will tell me he loves me and I’m beautiful… I still find myself stepping around him with emotional caution.  I still keep waiting for him to go or for him to change his mind.  I keep waiting for him to unveil himself as a true horrible bastard.
I think a lot of my depression and my anxiety issues are linking into not feeling like I can trust my judgement.  I feel like I fucked up when it came to my ex, the job choice that led me to not having a job anymore…  I just feel like I’m a contestant on Takeshi’s castle where they’re running across the stepping stones to try to get to the other side but I keep stepping on the ones that aren’t real and I eventually tumble into the water and hit my head on a concrete one.


Christmas is just leaving me so fucking cold at the moment.  Boyfriend pretty much made me put my decorations up and I lost energy half way through the tree.  Then all I could think about was 2014 when I was putting my tree up, merrily getting on with xmas and all the while my ex was cheating on me.  I feel this real hatred about my ignorance.


Ugggggh.  Just please gods, get me through this interview and please give me a job.  If this man is good please don’t let me fuck up things with him because my brain is such a scrambled mess.

Job hunting and depression

It’s a real magical combo.


Firstly: you feel worthless already… now you feel EXTRA WORTHLESS while you’re trying desperately to prove how worthy of a job you are.  Thought you felt like you were spiraling into a pit of despair before?  You were merely at the very edge of the spiral!  Come join us further down where you feel the constant rejection as your phone alerts you to every rejection email you get… IF YOU EVEN GET ANY!



Secondly: thought you had no energy before?  Welcome to your new comatose state where even though you’ve done fuck all with your day, you feel tired!  Feel the life force energy drain from your body as you complete your third online application form of the day that asks you to retype everything on your CV… AND THEN ASKS YOU TO ATTACH YOUR CV ANYWAY!


Thirdly: enjoy that sweet, simmering resentment and ire at looking at poorly worded job adverts and job alerts for jobs that are in another part of the country!  Embrace that rage of looking on jealously at men walking around with suits and briefcases for WORK doing their WORK THINGS having JOBS.  What a bunch of bastards.


What else can this experience offer?  Job panic mode!  This special mode means you will suddenly start panicking in the middle of the week and apply for literally ANYTHING and then realise in a sober moment of horror what you have done when a recruitment agency starts chasing you because you’re probably the only person who has applied!


Don’t forget about that tear inducing, heart pounding fear at your first month without any wages coming in.  Some of you may have the added bonus of needing to wait 6 weeks for the government to pay you because your company has disappeared.


Add in added feelings of shame and anxiety and a feeling of utter despair and you’re feeling the whole package!


#eattherich #fuckcapitalism