Twirling, twirling towards freedom

So I’ve ended up using ‘leave out all the rest’ like a sound bath and just kept listening to the damn thing over and over to try and get it out of my head… and it hasn’t worked.  I’ve just been crying a lot.

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can’t be who you are

My mind is flying around all over the place.  I’ve spent most of the day crying.  Most of driving home crying.  I feel like if one piece of things could be going well then maybe it might help me crawl away from the abyss.

 

Counsellor suggested going on meds when I went on Friday but I’m terrified.  I don’t want another problem and I’m scared of getting addicted to tablets.  I’m scared of feeling better, even just for a minute and then that all melting away and I’m in the same situation as before.  Counselor says that maybe I need the space to try and help out the part of me that is trying to be productive and unbroken.. I don’t know.

 

I’m feeling so bad again.  I shouldn’t be thinking about how fast and efficient the train is and how it would be pretty instant if I did throw myself under it when I’m coming back the day after my birthday.  I shouldn’t be fantasizing about driving into the crash barrier on the motorway at 90mph.  The reason I haven’t done these things is because I’d want as few people to be dragged into my leaving the world as possible.  I don’t want the guy who has to hose me off the front of the train to have this pain and crap that I feel.  I know that once I’m dead I’ll be devoid of any kind of feeling at all, good and bad… but at the moment that fucking nothingness looks like heaven.  As much as I believe in an after life a nice black void of oblivion would be ace thanks very much.

 

Part of what I’ve discussed with her is my rampant need for perfectionism and to be doing better than everyone else… even though I’m not.  She asked me where I thought it comes from and I really don’t know.  My mom is pushy, I know that much.  I can remember being sad that I got a low grade in DT at secondary school and her badgering me into going to the teacher and asking what I could do to improve because that’s what she did.  I did and I wanted the ground to swallow me up.  Never again.

 

Part of my issues is this job driving me slowly up the wall (the crumbling, badly painted wall that has damp…).  She has suggested considering leaving and downgrading to a job that pays less and immediately my perfectionist sensibilities flare up in horror.  No.  I have to be doing better than my friends.  I have to not be dependent on anyone.  I have to be doing better.  It’s so stupid but it’s how I feel.

 

I keep saying that I want to find a guy who earns more than me, mainly because of the fact my ex was a financial drain… however when anyone buys anything for me I can’t cope with it.  When I did date a guy who earnt a shitload more than me I didn’t know how to react.  Suddenly I was definitely inferior, now I was the one who might be seen as the leech.  Grin feels suddenly horrendously uncomfortable.

 

Then suddenly… random guy I kissed on Saturday asks me out.  This does not happen to me.  This makes me suspicious.  This makes the voice in my head that tells me all the negative shit how he is obviously just after my resources and doesn’t like me as a person. I am too fat to be in a relationship.  I am too needy.  I will destroy this and blow it out of proportion.  I will end up in a shitty relationship again.

 

And then as soon as I’m done thinking that I’m crying because I feel so fucking alone.

 

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you

 

Author: grinatthedarkness

Struggling with depression and 30+years worth of repressed anger and issues. Blogging into the void to keep me out of the void

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