Am I going crazy?
I feel like I’ve known you forever. All I want to do is scream at you ‘I have been waiting here’ because that’s how it feels. I know we’ve been talking for a week, I know that we met for a weekend, I know that you’ve known me before but I don’t remember you (because I’m a twat)…
But I don’t trust myself.
I’m scared that I feel this way as some sort of reaction to my loneliness. I’m scared that I feel this way because I want to believe it can be true.
I feel like I know you and yet I know that I can’t possibly.
We are both so fucking damaged. We have both been hurt so much by other people.
You’re saying all the right things in the right order and I want to run away and hide because I feel like you don’t mean them. I keep thinking that every time you see how happy you make me you’re ticking a box in your head because you’re a stage further in some sort of master plan.
I’m scared that you haven’t processed your damage yet and in six months time you’re going to wake up and decide that now you need space. And I will be on my own again but so much worse. Or that you’ll wake up and see that I’m ugly, that I’m needy and fat and have a head that feels like it’s going to explode because of All the Things. Or I will have mothered you to death without meaning to.
I want to tell you that I’ve been sent to help heal you because you’re as weird and screwed up as I am and you might get that.
But all these things is like showing my throat. All these thoughts make me vulnerable and I don’t do that anymore. Not if I can help it. Who tells someone these things if they’re scared that they’re going to be used? It’s like walking into a car showroom and telling the salesman how much you’ve always wanted one of these cars and you’ve just won the lottery.
I’m used to being the one who runs off in her head and thinks about how things might be if it works out in the future. I’m used to having to play the game where you act cool and calm and feel like you’re not bothered if you meet up with that person again or not.
I’m not used to being wanted or wanted so intensely. I’m not used to this intense ANYTHING.
Everyone keeps telling me that I just need to calm down, relax and enjoy things… but my mind is half terrified half overjoyed and I’m flying around between the two. I don’t want to screw this up because I’m trying to be too cautious and I don’t want to make things burn out because I’ve thrown myself into the fire too quickly.
You know more than me and I don’t want to look like an idiot.
I feel like wanting to do everything right is going to make everything go wrong. I was such a fucking uptight teenager. I didn’t experiment, I didn’t try anything. I had one boyfriend for less than a month (I think) when I was 13 and then pretty much a relationship drought until I got to my ex. [So glad that I have never just known one guy… I’ve learnt a lot]
I don’t to burden you with my hang ups but how can I explain to you why I am the way that I am without doing it or making it seem like I’m just being difficult?
I’m just so fucking sick of hurting.