So I’m still alive. Just really, really tired.
After spending almost a continuous week together I suddenly was away for 5 days and it left me and my new found lover guy separated. It wasn’t the best timing as I’m apparently the only thing helping him keep things together.
He was sent for immediate counselling as soon as he registered with his new Drs and whoever the counsellor was basically ripped open all the wounds he was trying to keep shut so he can function for the time being. He needs to find a new job and get his life established up here so he hasn’t got the luxury of being able to fall apart for a bit like I did.
We ended up on the phone at one point because he had got himself into a state in the way that I do. In some ways it’s a blessing and a curse that he’s effectively the male version of me. For a short time I was scared he was going to end things and the idea of the one light I have at the moment disappearing…. it was like I could feel my soul tightening up.
The whole (short) time we have been together has made me realise that I’m not used to being loved. I’m not used to having someone want to do things for me and treat me. I’m not used to having a guy want to shower me in affection. I’m trying to get better at accepting it and it’s hard.
While I’m sat in my mental headspace with my depression voice telling me ‘he’s going to leave, he doesn’t love you, he’s taking you for a fool’ he’s also sat a couple of miles away with exactly the same thing.
We’ve got thrown together so fast but it feels like I’ve known him forever and the logical part of my brain is having a meltdown over it.
All I know is that when I’ve seen him I’m not thinking of driving into the crash barrier at 100mph on the way to work anymore.
It would be so much easier to be dead. But then I was watching this amazing band on the weekend after spending the day laughing with friends and I realised that I was nearly not there for this. Even this moment right now when I’m typing… if I’d actually done what I wanted to do in June then I wouldn’t be here.
I’m not saying that things have outweighed that because they haven’t… I’m still tired, I still hate myself but I suppose the actual continual suicidal thoughts have lessened off.
I was stood watching the band, trying to visualise what the time would have been like if I wasn’t there. Short of the practicality side of me not being there to give a lift to some of my friends, would they actually have noticed the fact I wasn’t there? Would it have made an impact on their experience…? I find it hard to believe…
I made friends with a lady while I was there that was just starting off into a new relationship too and she was just as scared as I was. She couldn’t see why he would find anything redeeming or attractive about her just like I can’t see it in relation to me. I think part of me feels like he’s just after the security I can give him because there’s no other reason he’d possibly like me.
I’ve seen photos of myself at the weekend and I just… I can’t describe how much I hate myself. I spent the whole time trying to hide from the camera and throw things in front of my face. It reminds me of the time that a group of my friends were doing ‘fugly’ selfies as a joke and they got angry with me because I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it because I always feel like that, I don’t need any extra help.
The job that I went for have asked me to tell them when I’m free so I can do a teleconference thing but I just wonder if they’re going to turn into another shambles like this job is. At least it would be a shamble closer to home I suppose. It would also have the corporate safety blanket involved.
I’m so tired I feel like falling asleep at my desk. I want to sleep but I promised myself I’d start going back to dance class and have told everyone I’m going tonight. It’s only an hour and hopefully they’ll be easy on me because I’ve said what I’m like.
On the weekend some nobs invaded our site and were joking about this D list celebrity who had killed himself and I had to walk away. People are fucking idiots. I just wanted to tell them that it’s not funny. People being pushed to the brink isn’t funny. Deciding that the best option for the whole planet is for you to be removed from it isn’t hilarious… I didn’t because I felt disassociated with it because of wanting to shoot myself. I’m not great at tying knots so hanging didn’t really have that resonance with me… that and a lack of accessible places to try and hang from to do it properly. Haven’t got the right stair rails…
But then if I had… I would never have met Him… I wouldn’t have had 7 orgasms last night and I wouldn’t know that I was capable of experiencing the relationship I’m in right now.
My head is such a mess… I feel so fucking lost. I just want to hide with him.