Weatherwise– yeah please fucking stop so I can get in my garden. Poor plants have been buried in snow are now going to be drowning. Everything is covered in mud but still somehow overgrowing.
Someone close to me died yesterday. In their sleep, of an illness and they were old… so speaking of in terms of okay deaths that’s pretty much the dream I hear. It’s dumb because you have people in your lives for so long that you think they’re indestructible. You pretty much take them for-granted because they’ve always been there.
There’s a continual sigh in my chest, on the inside. That sad sighing feeling where there’s a cloud of miasma in there where air should be. Right in the middle of my chest. It feels like there’s a bruise somewhere in there.
It’s not that I’m sad in some ways that he’s dead, I’m sad for his wife. They were only married to each other their whole lives and now all of a sudden that person has disappeared, there’s just spaces where they used to be. The crazy thing is that she has been ill off and on for a long time but not him… so now of course everyone is talking about THE NEXT THING and I just can’t even cope with that idea.
In the wider picture, I suppose I’ve been better. Less depressive but more self destructive and self hating. I don’t think the self hating is ever going to go away though. I don’t see how something that has been going on for so long is just going to stop.
I still have no money from my old job that evaporated. New job is fine. I am appreciating the short commute but not so the smaller wage but then that’s the price you pay. I drove past where I used to commute at 12.30 today and the traffic was already tailing back so I can’t comprehend what it’s like during the rush hour.
I want to run away at the moment and hide from the world. I just want to cocoon myself on the sofa and let it absorb me.
With the recent thoughts of death I considered the atheist thing again and the idea that there’s literally nothing on the other side. It isn’t what I believe but I can appreciate it still. I wouldn’t feel ripped off (well I wouldn’t feel anything). Just finishing would be awesome. No more please, I am done.
Who the fuck would want to come back to this shit show anyway?