What’s the date again?

So I’m now 3 weeks going on 4 weeks into redundancy and my savings have taken the first hit on a salary free month.  Given Xmas is next month I’m not feeling incredibly optimistic.

 

My appetite is lurching between 0 and 1000 and not helping matters any.

 

I keep getting ‘job blindness’ where I find that I’m applying for all sorts of shitty things that, when examined under the cold light of day, are unsuitable or don’t pay enough.  But then I find myself torn between ‘well you want to eat don’t you?!’ and ‘I don’t want to work till 8pm’.

 

It’s been rubbing my boyfriend up the wrong way as he’s always worked jobs with unsociable hours and they’ve always been hard jobs and then there’s me whining about one where you finish at 8 and have to work some weekends.  I know I’ve been lucky but then I’ve put the work in to get my career to that place.

 

I’ve gone back begging to my old old job that was in a very corporate environment but when I look back through rose tinted glasses seems like an amazing opportunity that I wasted… but then I remember coming home for days in tears and being so angry at one incident that I got up from my desk and left.

 

People keep telling me that I need to ‘enjoy this break’ and ‘find out what I want to do’.

 

Yeah great.  That will pay the bills I’m sure.

 

I have massive complexes when it comes to money… to the point I’d be standing in a queue to buy a £5 DVD going hot and cold and feeling my stomach churn.  I got better but now I’m afraid it’s going to start coming back.  Weirdly… it has but not when it comes to buying presents for Xmas…

 

I’ve still hardly told anyone.  Some of it is still my confusion over whether I can without being sued but the majority of it is this overriding sense of shame that makes it difficult.  I feel like I risked too much making my first career leap but when I look back I could see everyone was pushing me in that direction and I wanted to try and break out of that shitty situation and my comfort zone.  I left my job at the old place but at the same time it’s being pointed out to me that if I’d just put up and shut up for a bit longer then my last company would have gone bump while I was happily sat still getting employed on a decent wage for doing fuck all.

 

I feel like shit.  I feel like a massive leech.  I do genuinely feel like dole scum.

 

I’m trying to get out every day and trying to walk everywhere again to try and get my fitness back up but my main urge is to hide under the duvet.

 

The whole time I’m here I’m just imagining a universe where this is happened and I’m still single.  I genuinely think that would have been it.. but then what kind of pressure is that on a relationship?  I just imagine the situation with how I’d been feeling and then having my job ripped away… yeah I’d be severely hammering the quit button.  It’s difficult though as I saw a video of a man who survived crashing at 110mph so even if I’d tried that route it might not have worked.

 

My head feels like it’s about to explode.

 

I’m torn between one argument where I feel I should just accept any job and be grateful and the other half of me that says that there’s no point jumping to something for the sake of it if means that I’m miserable.

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Being made redundant is like being dumped

So I guess when someone disappears for a bit the thoughts go to whether they’re dead or fixed.  I’m not either.

 

I left my job for another job.  Then life kicked me in the face because I was happy and I got made redundant (the company folded… it had been going 20 years until I joined it, go figure).

 

So now one one hand I have this relationship where I’m really happy and then on the other side I’m not trying desperately not to slide into a hole because I don’t have a job.  I think I must have achieved a world record in getting rejected for a job less than an hour after filling in the application form.

 

I never realised how important working was to me and how much of a part of my identity it was.  I never realised how important it was to me to be earning more than people I knew.  Suddenly these things get taken away and I just want to hide in a cupboard.  I feel a sense of shame about not having a job even though it’s nothing to do with me or my fault.
Brain: You should have stayed at job 1 and seen if you’d got the promotion.  You could have been working closer to home this whole time and had more money

Logic: If I’d done that I’d probably have killed myself already and the extra money wouldn’t have done much good

Brain: You should have just stuck it out at job 2 and kept taking the money and doing fuck all

Logic: That was what was adding to my depression

 

I am lucky in that I am in a more fortunate situation with bills etc than most other people I know who would be royally fucked.  This doesn’t stop the gremlins in my head though from making me feel like utter shit because I feel bad and depressed.

 

I am looking for work, I’m applying and I want another job.. but I feel like I’ve been taking so many backwards steps with my ‘career’.  People keep telling me to train to do something else but I went to Uni and came out of it with debt and no idea what to do… I don’t want to repeat that again.

 

My boyfriend is sticking by me even though I keep crying all the time.  Sometimes over him, sometimes over the sink because he tells me he’s going to reorganise my house and help me live off my budget and cook.  He doesn’t understand why I get upset about him telling me he isn’t going anywhere.  He doesn’t understand that I haven’t ever had that before.

 

I find myself constantly stopping myself from being ‘too clingy’ or ‘too emotional’ etc when the base meaning of all of this is ‘giving him excuses to run away’.

 

I love him so much that I’m terrified now.  I’m terrified that he’ll go and I’ll have pinned my reasons to keep on living on one person.  I was trying to imagine what I would have done if this had happened to me in July… and I think the answer is that I wouldn’t be say imagining anything at all in November.  I’d be dead.

 

I’ve gone back to counselling because of being so fucked up in the head.  I sat and stared at the phone for 10 mins before I rang her.  It feels like defeat.  My depression guru friend pointed out that this is incredibly flawed logic and yet here I am with it…

 

I just want to hide from everyone.  I want to assimilate with my duvet and/or my mattress and just stop existing.

 

I feel so fucking tired even though I’m just applying for jobs on a computer.  I feel like it’s draining my life force energy like the dark crystal and all I want to do is hug my boyfriend but then I just feel like a leech.

 

Gods help me.

Tears and fatigue

So I came home from training for my new job today and immediately burst into tears on seeing the living room.  Why?  My boyfriend had cleaned up after himself.

 

But he had done too good a job and had managed to make it look like he was never coming back somehow.  At least this is how my brain processed the information.

 

It took me five minutes of investigating the house to check there were still things of his scattered about to make me calm down a bit.

 

Just  a tad pathetic right?  Like my brain is just actively sat there, waiting with glee for the moment it can be proved right and I find out he’s gone.

 

Reasons my brain decides that he’s telling me he thinks I’m beautiful:

  1. He’s trying to convince himself – makes it easier to leech of someone if you try to make sure you can try and be attracted to them (He doesn’t leech off me at all, see pt 2)
  2. He’s trying to make me believe that he loves me so that he can leech off me and steal my resources – he isn’t, he’d rather die than do this however my brain will not accept this
  3. He’s saying what he thinks I want/need to hear

 

Note how none of these reasons are anything to do with the fact that he might actually find me attractive because I cannot believe this to be true on any level at all.

 

It feels like everyone I know is pregnant at the moment and while I have absolutely no desire to have kids…  I think it’s upsetting me because my new guy is a Dad.  His kids live with his ex and it just feels like there’s this whole view of the world that I’ll never get.. like a secret club that I can’t gain entry to (I DO NOT WANT TO trust me.  As soon as my implant expires another one is going straight in)…  I think some of it as well just makes me feel like I’ve missed out on something that I wasn’t sure I didn’t want for a while.

 

Trust me, my ex would have been a terrible father and I definitely would have had a more serious break down.  The idea of having to single parent and drop said imaginary child off at his and the bitchstick-piratehooker-‘s place is not at all appealing.  But it was the only time I’d ever actually toyed with having a kid because we’d been together so long.  I’d kind of imagined what our kid would look like (it was always a boy in my head), I’d imagined some names… how happy my ex’s Dad would have been.  It was at a level where, when we split up, I’d been so convinced that I was going to have this kid that it almost felt like the kid had evaporated along with the supposed relationship.

 

So instead I just solidified my opinion that I didn’t want kids.  Then at my training this week I suddenly, truly, realised that if I’m serious about this current guy then I’m going to end up being some form of step-parent and it felt really weird…

 

It’s not that I hate kids.  I get on well enough with everyone else’s…  I just always felt like you shouldn’t have kids unless you have an absolute burning desire for them otherwise you’ll wake up in the morning at 4am covered in their shit and vomit and wanting to die even more than usual.

 

I’ve been ill now for about a month with the same virus and I’m currently training for my new job.  It’s strange how not having to drive for two hours every day has made such a difference to me already.  I’m still suspicious about the idea of it working out given what happened last time.

 

I managed to get myself into a state regarding my last pay cheque but thankfully it worked out alright.  I felt marginally proud of myself for not needing counselling to get through it.

 

I could just really do without my current crazy dreams and constant fatigue.  Falling asleep during class is not flattering.

Progress

Everyone keeps telling me that I’m making it and yet I don’t feel that’s so much the case.

 

I suppose I’m getting better at analysing where my feelings are coming from and trying to recognise earlier when I’m starting to slip backwards.  I’m under no illusions that I’ll ever be 100% ‘fixed’.  I don’t think this is the kind of thing you get fixed from.  I also don’t know if I’m expecting too much from so short a time.  Over half my life has been interrupted continuously by wanting to die, depression and dark horrible moods.  I’ve only really been looking for help since June.

 

Sometimes I wonder how much people see of this progress is because they want to see it.  I have no idea.

 

Inside, I still hate myself.  I catch myself in the middle of a happy moment hearing my own voice and realising I how fucking stupid I sound.  Or I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wonder how the hell anyone can think I’m remotely attractive.  Then I feel that horrible dark sinking feeling again.

 

I’ve really been done with people this past week.  I don’t know how much of that has come from the fact that I had literally nothing to do at work.  I sat and did puzzles for six hours one day.  There is literally nothing I can do but I didn’t want to just stay at home given my boss was such an arse the other week.  The boredom won’t be helping.  The stress of about fifteen other people’s things won’t be helping either.

 

I cried on Friday night because I told my new other half that I just kept waiting for him to suddenly realise how ugly and needy I am and leave.  Today, the voice in my head keeps telling me to imagine life if he does suddenly go and that all consuming loneliness comes back.  It also told me to break up with him because he has his own baggage etc etc etc.  So I know the voice is full of shit.

 

I feel like I’m living in an alternative universe that exists very close to another one in which I’m dead.  Sometimes the awareness of it bleeds into my mind and I see the situation I’ll be in from the POV of what would have happened if I’d managed to kill myself.

 

Someone I used to be really close to, who would purport to be my best friend is soon to be cut out of my life.  I realised last week that she interacted with me that little that I don’t think she’d even notice if I’d done it.  She had no idea how low I was feeling.  Of course very few people did and that was part of my achievement but still…

 

I keep being told to be more selfish and to stop taking other people’s problems onboard but I love taking care of people… it’s my whole thing.  I’m trying to make bolder decisions but then I get crippled by guilt.

 

I just hope this move with my job is for the best.

Hang ups

It’s weird, in that I know I don’t want kids… but I find that there’s suddenly this portion of my life as a result that is trapped behind an invisible pane of glass.

 

I can blame my mom in that she did such a top level job of scaring the shit out of me when it came to the idea of having a kid, sex, teen pregnancy etc that I was pretty terrified of anything and everything and thoroughly put off kids (“I won’t look after it for you” “they scream and crap everywhere at 2am” etc etc).  Think the sex ed that the girls have on South Park and you won’t be far off.

 

But now my friend is preggo with child number 3 and my new partner has two young kids of his own.  He’s been going through a lot of trauma because of being away from them and I find myself frozen.  There’s nothing I can say or do (step one of surviving as the ‘childless friend’ is knowing that you are not EVER allowed to comment on parenting) to fix things.  He has this whole area of his life that I can’t relate to and can only really try through anecdotes and observations I have of my friends raising kids…  I’m not complaining but… I don’t know.

 

I don’t need much help feeling inadequate and even though I’m not ‘the other woman’ because we didn’t even meet until he’d already been broken up with I still feel weird.

 

It’s made me think a lot about kids and what could have been, what I was prepared for etc…  I’d always been of the opinion that you shouldn’t have kids unless you had a desperate, longing desire to have them.  After my experiences at the hands of my parents I don’t feel equipped to be a parent.  I’ve never fantasised about having kids… never really seen kids in my life.  Not that I hate them… it’s just complicated I suppose.

 

When I bought the house that I live in I purposefully went with one bigger than me and my ex needed for the express reason of having space if something were to happen.  We’d been together 7 years, I knew his family well and I was getting close to 30.  I knew he’d be a terrible father given that I was the one who did mostly everything and he wasn’t keen on being a stay at home dad given I was the breadwinner out of the two of us.  Sometimes my thoughts would stray… sometimes I’d try and picture our kid (I was sure we’d have a boy) and the fact that his dad would be so happy if he had a male grandchild…..  Dumb stuff.  I’m now 10000% happy that I DID NOT have a child because otherwise I’d be the one stuck with the kid and he’d have dumped me for the snake bitch he’s with now.

 

I’ve been riding this emotional rollercoaster with him but not with him.  I obviously wasn’t there when he went to see them but I was the one holding him when he was upset about it.  I was the one trying to find the words to say that I’m sure it would work out fine but I feel like a fraud.  All I can do is try and be supportive about something that I don’t have a clue about.  He posted a picture of himself with his kids and my heart broke a bit.  I know that I’m not keeping him from them… their mom chose to split with him but at the same time it felt like he had.

 

My depression voice tells me a lot of things still and I’ve been trying to do my best to drown the voice out on my own.  I’m worried that when I start my new job I won’t be able to keep up counselling as I haven’t told them about my depression or the fact I was off as a result of it.  Deceptive?  Ish..  I do blame my current job for part of the reason I went overboard and let’s face it there aren’t many employers that reward you for being honest when it comes to mental health.

 

The voice has really cranked up the self loathing and anxiety of late.

 

My guy tells me that I’m beautiful and I feel like he’s obviously taking crazy pills or lying.  My current theory is more the former than the latter (does this count as progress?)

I asked him for help with something after we weren’t supposed to be seeing each other till the weekend.  I now feel needy, weak and clingy even though he has agreed to help.  The fact that he hasn’t replied to my message saying thank you is making me feel like this is confirmed.

 

Apparently I’m making progress though.  I severed a lot of ties with things that have been dragging me down and been on my mind.  I have been making more of a concerted effort to try and eat less shit (she says with chocolate in her bag).  My boss pissed me off and I fired off a concise but pointed message right back rather than crying…

 

At the moment I just want to fucking cry though.  I don’t know if it’s because I feel like I’ve been playing my old role of the emotional crutch recently or what.  I just want to sob.  My counsellor says that I need to stop being the one to offer help and support all the time and look after myself… but that isn’t very me.  I’m the one that loves looking after people.  When my boyfriend was going through a tough time I baked, bought in his favourite beer and buried him in blankets.  When my other friend was going through some tough times I sent over some money so he could buy himself something dumb and frivolous…   I’m the person that amazon primes something to her house so she can make sure you get the best birthday present even though she thought she wouldn’t see you…

 

I can’t break out of that role.  I’m trying to be more ‘selfish’… but it’s hard.  He says he wants to spoil me and buy me dumb stuff but my reflex reaction is ‘no don’t’ because I don’t feel worth it.  The ‘women’s magazine advice’ part of my brain points out that I did this in a previous relationship and had flowers all of one time.  No corporate love day present… I ended up paying for us to go out for a meal on my own birthday once…  I guess I don’t feel worth it.  I don’t feel worth more.

 

How the hell do I make that happen?

Always the same hating

I’d thought that being in a relationship would help me with my depression and while it has and while it has definitely helped cut down on the suicidal thoughts what has ramped up to replace them is self loathing.

 

It doesn’t help that we’ve both been comfort eating so my weight is piling on and I haven’t had the energy to go to the gym or do anything but comfort eat.  I’m trying to make a mental resolution to draw a line under it but it isn’t easy.  I’m trying to get my head straight so I can drop at least some of this weight before the end of the year but keep getting put off by the fact that I was telling myself this in January and I just got fatter.

 

He keeps telling me that I’m beautiful and that he loves me but I just can’t see why.  My brain constantly reminds me of the fact I probably look terrible while we’re having sex, that he can see my double chin really badly from the angle he’s sat at on the sofa… that if I was thinner I could wear all the nerdy shirts in my wardrobe that are currently neglected.

 

It’s weird because he says the same about himself, that he can’t understand how I can think he’s attractive…  Sometimes we are just too strangely similar.

 

I was thinking the other day about how when I composed my mental list of attributes that I wanted my other half to have that, while he does tick so many, there are a few that he doesn’t.  But then when I examined the ones he didn’t it was all stuff that I had an issue with myself about.  Like I couldn’t cope with someone who had the same flaws as me or that reminded me of bad things from the past.  And yet here I am.  In love with this goofy man.

 

I’m trying to support him at the moment and trying to keep on at work with me working out my notice but its hard.  I can feel myself sliding backwards again and I’m trying not to.  I’m trying to look super efficient at work and get things done but I’m terrified about my new impending job.  I’m trying to make more of an effort socially but it’s just draining me.  I’m trying to get back on the diet wagon but the idea of ‘depriving myself’ of crap foods makes me feel like life isn’t worth it.  I’m trying to see myself as he sees me but it just makes things worse.  The more he tells me how beautiful I am the more I feel ugly.

 

Which is just so fucking stupid and so ungrateful.

 

There are so many people going through crap at the moment and there’s nothing I can do to help them and so I feel sad and small.

 

Work is hell at the moment.  It’s like some sort of negativity vortex.. which is good at convincing me that going was exactly the right thing to do but also not good in that I still have to keep showing up and pretending to do things even though there isn’t a great deal I can do.  I’ve had three people crying in my office today about various terrible things that are going on…

 

My mom was talking about me retraining some time ago but I already have one worthless degree so what is the point in having another?

It’s funny… in that I still have the thing where I long for the annihilation of the planet and still think that the majority of human beings are just bags of meat.  When all this crap between America and Korea has gone off I haven’t been scared, it’s just made me feel more tired.  It just made me think ‘ugh but I bet that we’ll still survive and things will just be more effort and I’ll just get killed by supermutants trying to heat a can of beans’.  This is so selfish and inhuman and not right given that I know so many people I care for have kids etc etc…

 

But at the same time I love the idea of humanity getting wiped out.  The planet sorting itself out, destroying all the concrete….  What do we truly do to benefit anyone other than ourselves?

 

It’s not even a vindictive thought.  I’m not thinking about people suffering… just not existing anymore.  Which I guess is possibly more messed up.

 

I’m just so fucking tired and I’m sick of human beings and their self absorbed twattery bringing misery to themselves and others.

She’s got issues

So I handed in my notice at my current job today.  Turns out that despite thinking that the interview for the one I went for was awful I got the job…  So I had the option of one closer to home on slightly less money that would (hopefully) give me more activity or to stay in this one where the ceiling has fallen in last year, we’ve had the heating on every day I’ve worked here and I’m bored witless.

 

I think the combination of the commute and not meeting my targets has been significantly contributing to fucking me up.  There’s also the way that when I handed in my sick note to say I had depression my boss didn’t even look at it or open up any dialogue about what he could do to help or to make sure that I’m doing okay.

 

Despite these things I still didn’t sleep last night because of running over all the possible things that could go wrong with handing it in, changing to the new job and what would happen as a result of leaving here.  My brain is so scared of change it’s untrue ¬_¬

 

This is also going to be my second week of not having had any counselling and I do miss it but I think I’m going to have to make the most of it as I think I’m going to have to stop when I start my new job.  I’m still not sure where precisely they’re going to put me.
So I went in and told my shell shocked boss what I’d wanted to tell him since Monday and he just accepted it and then I left his office.  Someone I work with was shocked that he didn’t put up a fight (one of the scenarios that kept me from sleep last night).  I think the thing is that even if he’d said I could work from home 100% of the time I wouldn’t have been happy.  I don’t have enough to do and unfortunately I’m not the kind of person who can just sit and take their pay and actively not care about being bored.

 

If I was that kind of person I could have sat here with a puzzle book and waited to get sacked.

 

So it’s done and I have a month left here to try and sort out all the shit I’ve been dealing with before I go.  I’m not going to miss this horrible building, I’m not going to miss the commute or the town that I work in…

 

Relationship wise things are good… which makes my brain suspicious.  It makes my brain actively look for ways to sabotage things.  Key example being that last weekend we’d had a really good time and then I decided to drop in a mention of not taking me forgranted which ended up triggering him (I couldn’t have known) and making him feel discontent for the rest of the evening ¬_¬  I just don’t know what my brain would accept as proof that he isn’t going to go anywhere as apparently him saying that he loves me isn’t good enough.

 

It’s also weird going out with someone who is as broken as I am and worries as much as I did.  During the first week we went out it was shark week and he mentioned to me last weekend that surely I should have been on by now.  Unfortunately my good man my uterus does not dance to a regular beat and was 2 weeks late last month ¬_¬  It was just odd to have it mentioned as a worry from a guy…  Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining it’s just interesting.

 

He’s depressive as well, has had suicidal thoughts as well..  He has told me that I’m the only thing holding me together but I haven’t said the same to him as I don’t want to put that pressure on him.

 

I’m so so so so fucking tired at the moment it’s untrue.  Yesterday and today I was practically falling asleep in the car on the drive to work.  I don’t know if this is because I’m getting over an illness or the depression fighting back.  I also haven’t been bothered to take any vitamin pills.
My diet is the worst thing ever at the moment.  I can barely fit into anything and am faced with the prospect of this new job and not wanting to spend a load on new clothes.  If I knuckled down to it and started cleaning up my diet then I could probably drop half a stone but unfortunately I just feel like I’m eating and drinking crap to survive.  Case in point yesterday when I had two cans of energy drink just to stop myself from nodding off at my desk.

 

I hate myself so much, I don’t see how this guy can see anything nice in me at all.  The joke of it is that he says the same about himself to me.  I’m hoping we can muddle through all this crap together.