So I’m now 3 weeks going on 4 weeks into redundancy and my savings have taken the first hit on a salary free month. Given Xmas is next month I’m not feeling incredibly optimistic.
My appetite is lurching between 0 and 1000 and not helping matters any.
I keep getting ‘job blindness’ where I find that I’m applying for all sorts of shitty things that, when examined under the cold light of day, are unsuitable or don’t pay enough. But then I find myself torn between ‘well you want to eat don’t you?!’ and ‘I don’t want to work till 8pm’.
It’s been rubbing my boyfriend up the wrong way as he’s always worked jobs with unsociable hours and they’ve always been hard jobs and then there’s me whining about one where you finish at 8 and have to work some weekends. I know I’ve been lucky but then I’ve put the work in to get my career to that place.
I’ve gone back begging to my old old job that was in a very corporate environment but when I look back through rose tinted glasses seems like an amazing opportunity that I wasted… but then I remember coming home for days in tears and being so angry at one incident that I got up from my desk and left.
People keep telling me that I need to ‘enjoy this break’ and ‘find out what I want to do’.
Yeah great. That will pay the bills I’m sure.
I have massive complexes when it comes to money… to the point I’d be standing in a queue to buy a £5 DVD going hot and cold and feeling my stomach churn. I got better but now I’m afraid it’s going to start coming back. Weirdly… it has but not when it comes to buying presents for Xmas…
I’ve still hardly told anyone. Some of it is still my confusion over whether I can without being sued but the majority of it is this overriding sense of shame that makes it difficult. I feel like I risked too much making my first career leap but when I look back I could see everyone was pushing me in that direction and I wanted to try and break out of that shitty situation and my comfort zone. I left my job at the old place but at the same time it’s being pointed out to me that if I’d just put up and shut up for a bit longer then my last company would have gone bump while I was happily sat still getting employed on a decent wage for doing fuck all.
I feel like shit. I feel like a massive leech. I do genuinely feel like dole scum.
I’m trying to get out every day and trying to walk everywhere again to try and get my fitness back up but my main urge is to hide under the duvet.
The whole time I’m here I’m just imagining a universe where this is happened and I’m still single. I genuinely think that would have been it.. but then what kind of pressure is that on a relationship? I just imagine the situation with how I’d been feeling and then having my job ripped away… yeah I’d be severely hammering the quit button. It’s difficult though as I saw a video of a man who survived crashing at 110mph so even if I’d tried that route it might not have worked.
My head feels like it’s about to explode.
I’m torn between one argument where I feel I should just accept any job and be grateful and the other half of me that says that there’s no point jumping to something for the sake of it if means that I’m miserable.