Knowing the dark voice

I can’t say whether things have dramatically changed for the better since my counsellor has helped me recognise the horrible voice in my head as a separate entity or not but it’s definitely doing something.  I read something online where someone said they visualised it as a mini Donald Trump but I ended up in the realms of fantasy for mine (as usual).

 

So despite the voice telling me that everything is going to go wrong with this relationship and that new guy is just using me for my ‘resources’ I ended up telling him I loved him on Sunday.. in my usual so planned and subtle way of blurting it out in the middle of watching a band.

 

In my defense the series of events is as follows:

1 –  He unintentionally ended up staying Thursday and went home on the Friday night

2 – When the gig started, the band played an unexpected cover of Starman which was the song that reminded me of the time I nearly went over the edge again a couple of months ago and was the song I was blaring out driving to get pizza at 11pm… this made me think, again, of the fact that if I had gone through with what I’d wanted then I wouldn’t have been at that gig at that point in time with a guy I knew I loved

3 – The main band come on.  I’ve been standing up in a packed room for about two hours by this point and suddenly realise that I’m either going to pass out, faint or both.  I try to ignore this feeling and then give up and let him know (I felt bad as he hadn’t seen them before and didn’t have much money to buy the ticket.  It turns out I was going down with a flu virus).  He immediately pulled me through the crowd, sat me down somewhere safe and ran backwards and forwards to the bar for water.  This sounds really stupid but I can’t count the number of times my ex would abandon me at gigs or generally not bother to look after me at all.

4 – They played a song that was really sad for him but had a lot of meaning for me.  Especially as the time I’d seen them last year I was feeling incredibly crap and single and my two friends were kissing the entire song.  They then followed this with a song that was really sad for me and reminded me of crying along to it because of feeling so fucking lonely.

 

So the resulting event was me turning round and looking at him and realising that this man genuinely gave a shit about me and it was about time that I told him I loved him rather than holding him hostage with it.

 

When we talked about it when we got back we both cried.  He apparently had written off the idea of me saying it until about 3 months from now when I’d had more counselling etc.

 

We’re both so, so damaged.  For all his bluster and swagger I can see that he is just as worried that I’m going to evaporate as he is.  I’ve met his family now and he’s due to meet mine in the near future… if you were just out to exploit someone then you wouldn’t do that?

 

You also wouldn’t spend the entire day, either side of job interviews, looking after the very weak and pathetic woman in question who had snored all night thanks to her sinuses shutting down and who was running a fever…

 

And yet he turned round to me and said he was waiting for me to come to my senses and for the ‘novelty to wear off’.

 

It’s funny how his voice and mine often coordinate and we can spot when it’s happening in each other’s brains.  Thankfully we’re being honest with each other but it’s just…. odd.  I’m starting to understand how stupid my thoughts can seem to other people now.

 

So this is week one of me not having a session because my counsellor is on holiday, next week is blank as well.

 

I have achieved the goal of getting the other job that I thought I had royally fucked up.  My brain isn’t accepting this as the case though even though I have an email in my inbox with all the contract info etc…  I suppose I thought I wouldn’t be moving jobs for a long time but in all honesty all this week when I’ve been off I’ve been looking at my oncoming appraisal with the dread of ‘oh fuck I’m probably going to get fired’  So I guess if I hand my notice in first it’s a winner.  It’s slightly less money but hopefully not having to drive so much will balance it out?  I can dream.

 

I’m very, very fearful of jumping from the frying pan into the fire and I think some of me not accepting that I got the job is me being scared of GETTING the job.

 

Basically: how to come across as being really ungrateful for good things happening in your life all of a sudden

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Cause I’m fucked up, because you are

I had an amazing weekend.  Despite this hitting a number of triggeringly trigger things and despite me crying naked on top of someone…

 

We’ll get to that.

 

On Friday I sat down in my counsellor’s office and said ‘I am a freak.  There is a man trying to get into a loving relationship with me, who tells me that I’m beautiful and whose jaw visibly dropped the first time we went on a date… and it fucking terrifies me and I have no idea how to process it’

 

It fucking upsets me.  What kind of messed up human being am I that can’t cope with being loved?  What does that say about me?  He tells me that he loves me and all I can feel is suspicion.  All I can think is ‘what do you want though?’  I look into his eyes and I don’t see that at all and yet it’s what my head can’t get round.  This roadblock of ‘we got completely used before’.

 

Speaking of which…  The gods are cruel and have a sense of humour…  ‘Let’s go to the pub’ ‘I’m not sure… EX and OTHER BINT go there’ ‘They haven’t been in ages, I asked around’
I went knowing full well that they would be there.  I could have been told that they had moved to the moon and known that they would show up.
They did.

 

The worst thing?  I was sat there and enjoying myself but I was on edge because I KNEW… and then I saw him and I felt fear.  Pure physical fear.  My hands started shaking.  He was never violent towards me, never abusive and never giving me any reason to be SCARED of the bastard… and yet there we were.

 

I’ve been trying to think about it a lot and the only explanation I can think of is that it’s the fear of being hurt again.  The fear of looking into the eyes of someone that I had loved so fucking utterly and completely for seven years and seeing nothing there.  I don’t love him anymore, I have no feelings anymore… except fear apparently.

 

So then I’m sat there, feeling this physical fear and being appalled with myself for it.  How can they instill that in me?  Why the hell am I shaking?  This is bullshit.

 

He looked in my direction, did this half hearted completely fake smile and then disappeared upstairs with her.

 

So we left the pub and walked back while he wished he’d thrown one of the wooden tables at them and I wished that I hadn’t had some horrendous fear reaction I couldn’t understand.

 

I have had the best sex I’ve ever had in my life this weekend… and I’ve also cried on the guy while I was having some of it because of the emotional release.

 

I’ve felt so lonely, so incredibly fucking lonely.  I wanted to die so badly.  The feeling of being unwanted and alone was like a rusty, blunt knife that would carve into me and make me lie on my hall floor crying weakly.  It just backed up the idea that I wasn’t good enough, I was never going to be good enough.  My love wasn’t good enough.
Then this guy comes… and he’s just as damaged as me.  It’s like someone zapped in the male version of me from some other reality.  The issue is we both sit there quietly assuming the worst about the other because of past experience.  He is scared that I’m just using him and I’m scared he’s just using me.  But he tells me that he loves me and I can’t reply back.  I know that I do… but that’s ridiculous (the voice says), I haven’t known him that long so I can’t possibly be in love with him.  He’s just saying it to me (the voice says) because he knows that it will sucker me in.

 

Meanwhile I’m tearing myself up because I can’t say it back.  I physically can’t do it because to me, admitting that I love him is giving him the green flag to go ahead and use me….

 

Which is the fucking sadest, most pitiful thing I ever hope to type.

 

Part of me is so fucking terrified that he’s going to leave and I’m going to be on my own again and I just can’t even cope with the idea.  I can’t cope with the idea of having this and then it disappearing.  I feel like that would be it and there’s no way in the world a relationship can survive under that pressure.  I don’t want to cling but I feel like this is the only fucking glimpse of any light that I’ve seen in the darkness for such a long time.

 

I am so goddamn broken.