I can’t say whether things have dramatically changed for the better since my counsellor has helped me recognise the horrible voice in my head as a separate entity or not but it’s definitely doing something. I read something online where someone said they visualised it as a mini Donald Trump but I ended up in the realms of fantasy for mine (as usual).
So despite the voice telling me that everything is going to go wrong with this relationship and that new guy is just using me for my ‘resources’ I ended up telling him I loved him on Sunday.. in my usual so planned and subtle way of blurting it out in the middle of watching a band.
In my defense the series of events is as follows:
1 – He unintentionally ended up staying Thursday and went home on the Friday night
2 – When the gig started, the band played an unexpected cover of Starman which was the song that reminded me of the time I nearly went over the edge again a couple of months ago and was the song I was blaring out driving to get pizza at 11pm… this made me think, again, of the fact that if I had gone through with what I’d wanted then I wouldn’t have been at that gig at that point in time with a guy I knew I loved
3 – The main band come on. I’ve been standing up in a packed room for about two hours by this point and suddenly realise that I’m either going to pass out, faint or both. I try to ignore this feeling and then give up and let him know (I felt bad as he hadn’t seen them before and didn’t have much money to buy the ticket. It turns out I was going down with a flu virus). He immediately pulled me through the crowd, sat me down somewhere safe and ran backwards and forwards to the bar for water. This sounds really stupid but I can’t count the number of times my ex would abandon me at gigs or generally not bother to look after me at all.
4 – They played a song that was really sad for him but had a lot of meaning for me. Especially as the time I’d seen them last year I was feeling incredibly crap and single and my two friends were kissing the entire song. They then followed this with a song that was really sad for me and reminded me of crying along to it because of feeling so fucking lonely.
So the resulting event was me turning round and looking at him and realising that this man genuinely gave a shit about me and it was about time that I told him I loved him rather than holding him hostage with it.
When we talked about it when we got back we both cried. He apparently had written off the idea of me saying it until about 3 months from now when I’d had more counselling etc.
We’re both so, so damaged. For all his bluster and swagger I can see that he is just as worried that I’m going to evaporate as he is. I’ve met his family now and he’s due to meet mine in the near future… if you were just out to exploit someone then you wouldn’t do that?
You also wouldn’t spend the entire day, either side of job interviews, looking after the very weak and pathetic woman in question who had snored all night thanks to her sinuses shutting down and who was running a fever…
And yet he turned round to me and said he was waiting for me to come to my senses and for the ‘novelty to wear off’.
It’s funny how his voice and mine often coordinate and we can spot when it’s happening in each other’s brains. Thankfully we’re being honest with each other but it’s just…. odd. I’m starting to understand how stupid my thoughts can seem to other people now.
So this is week one of me not having a session because my counsellor is on holiday, next week is blank as well.
I have achieved the goal of getting the other job that I thought I had royally fucked up. My brain isn’t accepting this as the case though even though I have an email in my inbox with all the contract info etc… I suppose I thought I wouldn’t be moving jobs for a long time but in all honesty all this week when I’ve been off I’ve been looking at my oncoming appraisal with the dread of ‘oh fuck I’m probably going to get fired’ So I guess if I hand my notice in first it’s a winner. It’s slightly less money but hopefully not having to drive so much will balance it out? I can dream.
I’m very, very fearful of jumping from the frying pan into the fire and I think some of me not accepting that I got the job is me being scared of GETTING the job.
Basically: how to come across as being really ungrateful for good things happening in your life all of a sudden