Tears and fatigue

So I came home from training for my new job today and immediately burst into tears on seeing the living room.  Why?  My boyfriend had cleaned up after himself.

 

But he had done too good a job and had managed to make it look like he was never coming back somehow.  At least this is how my brain processed the information.

 

It took me five minutes of investigating the house to check there were still things of his scattered about to make me calm down a bit.

 

Just  a tad pathetic right?  Like my brain is just actively sat there, waiting with glee for the moment it can be proved right and I find out he’s gone.

 

Reasons my brain decides that he’s telling me he thinks I’m beautiful:

  1. He’s trying to convince himself – makes it easier to leech of someone if you try to make sure you can try and be attracted to them (He doesn’t leech off me at all, see pt 2)
  2. He’s trying to make me believe that he loves me so that he can leech off me and steal my resources – he isn’t, he’d rather die than do this however my brain will not accept this
  3. He’s saying what he thinks I want/need to hear

 

Note how none of these reasons are anything to do with the fact that he might actually find me attractive because I cannot believe this to be true on any level at all.

 

It feels like everyone I know is pregnant at the moment and while I have absolutely no desire to have kids…  I think it’s upsetting me because my new guy is a Dad.  His kids live with his ex and it just feels like there’s this whole view of the world that I’ll never get.. like a secret club that I can’t gain entry to (I DO NOT WANT TO trust me.  As soon as my implant expires another one is going straight in)…  I think some of it as well just makes me feel like I’ve missed out on something that I wasn’t sure I didn’t want for a while.

 

Trust me, my ex would have been a terrible father and I definitely would have had a more serious break down.  The idea of having to single parent and drop said imaginary child off at his and the bitchstick-piratehooker-‘s place is not at all appealing.  But it was the only time I’d ever actually toyed with having a kid because we’d been together so long.  I’d kind of imagined what our kid would look like (it was always a boy in my head), I’d imagined some names… how happy my ex’s Dad would have been.  It was at a level where, when we split up, I’d been so convinced that I was going to have this kid that it almost felt like the kid had evaporated along with the supposed relationship.

 

So instead I just solidified my opinion that I didn’t want kids.  Then at my training this week I suddenly, truly, realised that if I’m serious about this current guy then I’m going to end up being some form of step-parent and it felt really weird…

 

It’s not that I hate kids.  I get on well enough with everyone else’s…  I just always felt like you shouldn’t have kids unless you have an absolute burning desire for them otherwise you’ll wake up in the morning at 4am covered in their shit and vomit and wanting to die even more than usual.

 

I’ve been ill now for about a month with the same virus and I’m currently training for my new job.  It’s strange how not having to drive for two hours every day has made such a difference to me already.  I’m still suspicious about the idea of it working out given what happened last time.

 

I managed to get myself into a state regarding my last pay cheque but thankfully it worked out alright.  I felt marginally proud of myself for not needing counselling to get through it.

 

I could just really do without my current crazy dreams and constant fatigue.  Falling asleep during class is not flattering.

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She’s got issues

So I handed in my notice at my current job today.  Turns out that despite thinking that the interview for the one I went for was awful I got the job…  So I had the option of one closer to home on slightly less money that would (hopefully) give me more activity or to stay in this one where the ceiling has fallen in last year, we’ve had the heating on every day I’ve worked here and I’m bored witless.

 

I think the combination of the commute and not meeting my targets has been significantly contributing to fucking me up.  There’s also the way that when I handed in my sick note to say I had depression my boss didn’t even look at it or open up any dialogue about what he could do to help or to make sure that I’m doing okay.

 

Despite these things I still didn’t sleep last night because of running over all the possible things that could go wrong with handing it in, changing to the new job and what would happen as a result of leaving here.  My brain is so scared of change it’s untrue ¬_¬

 

This is also going to be my second week of not having had any counselling and I do miss it but I think I’m going to have to make the most of it as I think I’m going to have to stop when I start my new job.  I’m still not sure where precisely they’re going to put me.
So I went in and told my shell shocked boss what I’d wanted to tell him since Monday and he just accepted it and then I left his office.  Someone I work with was shocked that he didn’t put up a fight (one of the scenarios that kept me from sleep last night).  I think the thing is that even if he’d said I could work from home 100% of the time I wouldn’t have been happy.  I don’t have enough to do and unfortunately I’m not the kind of person who can just sit and take their pay and actively not care about being bored.

 

If I was that kind of person I could have sat here with a puzzle book and waited to get sacked.

 

So it’s done and I have a month left here to try and sort out all the shit I’ve been dealing with before I go.  I’m not going to miss this horrible building, I’m not going to miss the commute or the town that I work in…

 

Relationship wise things are good… which makes my brain suspicious.  It makes my brain actively look for ways to sabotage things.  Key example being that last weekend we’d had a really good time and then I decided to drop in a mention of not taking me forgranted which ended up triggering him (I couldn’t have known) and making him feel discontent for the rest of the evening ¬_¬  I just don’t know what my brain would accept as proof that he isn’t going to go anywhere as apparently him saying that he loves me isn’t good enough.

 

It’s also weird going out with someone who is as broken as I am and worries as much as I did.  During the first week we went out it was shark week and he mentioned to me last weekend that surely I should have been on by now.  Unfortunately my good man my uterus does not dance to a regular beat and was 2 weeks late last month ¬_¬  It was just odd to have it mentioned as a worry from a guy…  Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining it’s just interesting.

 

He’s depressive as well, has had suicidal thoughts as well..  He has told me that I’m the only thing holding me together but I haven’t said the same to him as I don’t want to put that pressure on him.

 

I’m so so so so fucking tired at the moment it’s untrue.  Yesterday and today I was practically falling asleep in the car on the drive to work.  I don’t know if this is because I’m getting over an illness or the depression fighting back.  I also haven’t been bothered to take any vitamin pills.
My diet is the worst thing ever at the moment.  I can barely fit into anything and am faced with the prospect of this new job and not wanting to spend a load on new clothes.  If I knuckled down to it and started cleaning up my diet then I could probably drop half a stone but unfortunately I just feel like I’m eating and drinking crap to survive.  Case in point yesterday when I had two cans of energy drink just to stop myself from nodding off at my desk.

 

I hate myself so much, I don’t see how this guy can see anything nice in me at all.  The joke of it is that he says the same about himself to me.  I’m hoping we can muddle through all this crap together.

 

Love and fear

 

So I had a moment on the weekend when I was taking some water out of the fridge and in that moment I realised that I was actually content and happy, bordering on a slight urge to skip.  As soon as I came to this realisation a sledgehammer of fear and worry hit me.  The voice said to me ‘aaaah but you’ve been happy before and it never lasts’.  It sucked some of that joy away.

 

When I went to counselling we ‘unpacked’ why I’d felt fear on seeing my ex and the other cunt.  I saw him crossing the road literally a week or so later and didn’t run him over with my car and also didn’t feel that same icy fear.  She said that she thought it was some previous experience that triggered it rather than them themselves.  I think it’s to do with the nightmare that I’d had about them.

 

I ended up meeting the new man’s family which was also fear inducing.  The plan had been to hide from the world in my house all weekend so I was fully looking forward to being in introvert mode in a duvet fort… and then I get told that I’m invited to a family gathering and he wants me to go.  The day before it was due to happen.  Panic ensues.

 

I’m not good with surprise social gatherings… I have in fact lied in the past to get out of them because it means having to psych myself up and change my mindset.  Let alone one that’s one of these Milestone things…  But I went.  They were nice… but it’s all very strange.  I’m yet to know if I haven’t passed the test.

 

I keep finding myself swinging between love and fear constantly.  I hate that I don’t trust this man because I DO trust this man.  Hell, I love this man even though none of this makes any sense…  But then I keep waiting for him to go.  He says he isn’t going anywhere, he has shown me to his family… I know he’s talked about me to them as his dad commented about where I worked and my garden without me having mentioned it to them…  And yet my brain keeps throwing up images of him telling me that he’s going, that he’s decided this is all wrong.

 

I’m so terrified and it’s all my own brain that’s doing it.

 

I just keep remembering that intense, awful loneliness and the wanting to die and the feeling so awful and I’m so scared that I may have to go back to that.  I know that’s the risk with any relationship but… I don’t know.  I’m scared to tell people I’m seeing someone in case he suddenly disappears in a puff of smoke but we’ve been seeing each other for about 4 weeks now and it feels like 4 years…  Is this just oxytocin or is this a thing?

 

We talked about suicide and about how he’d been sucked into those feelings not too long ago.  It was odd hearing him talk about it and awful.  Just like the thoughts I’d had at the festival where I suddenly realised that I nearly wasn’t there… I was imagining that he had pulled it off and I’d never have met him.

 

I’m so scared of losing an actual form of happiness that I’m now scared that the fear is going to be the thing that does it.  We’re trying to be honest and that’s all I can do.  He knows that I love him and I know I will say it but I just… can’t.  Not at the moment.  I’m just so scared of being used again and of having all of my love and compassion thrown back in my face… that was to be honest about as much of a betrayal to me as the cheating itself…  that my ex accused me of treating him like a ‘pet’ and smothering him.

 

I’m so tried… all the fucking time.  I’m tired of fighting how I feel out of fear

 

 

Cause I’m fucked up, because you are

I had an amazing weekend.  Despite this hitting a number of triggeringly trigger things and despite me crying naked on top of someone…

 

We’ll get to that.

 

On Friday I sat down in my counsellor’s office and said ‘I am a freak.  There is a man trying to get into a loving relationship with me, who tells me that I’m beautiful and whose jaw visibly dropped the first time we went on a date… and it fucking terrifies me and I have no idea how to process it’

 

It fucking upsets me.  What kind of messed up human being am I that can’t cope with being loved?  What does that say about me?  He tells me that he loves me and all I can feel is suspicion.  All I can think is ‘what do you want though?’  I look into his eyes and I don’t see that at all and yet it’s what my head can’t get round.  This roadblock of ‘we got completely used before’.

 

Speaking of which…  The gods are cruel and have a sense of humour…  ‘Let’s go to the pub’ ‘I’m not sure… EX and OTHER BINT go there’ ‘They haven’t been in ages, I asked around’
I went knowing full well that they would be there.  I could have been told that they had moved to the moon and known that they would show up.
They did.

 

The worst thing?  I was sat there and enjoying myself but I was on edge because I KNEW… and then I saw him and I felt fear.  Pure physical fear.  My hands started shaking.  He was never violent towards me, never abusive and never giving me any reason to be SCARED of the bastard… and yet there we were.

 

I’ve been trying to think about it a lot and the only explanation I can think of is that it’s the fear of being hurt again.  The fear of looking into the eyes of someone that I had loved so fucking utterly and completely for seven years and seeing nothing there.  I don’t love him anymore, I have no feelings anymore… except fear apparently.

 

So then I’m sat there, feeling this physical fear and being appalled with myself for it.  How can they instill that in me?  Why the hell am I shaking?  This is bullshit.

 

He looked in my direction, did this half hearted completely fake smile and then disappeared upstairs with her.

 

So we left the pub and walked back while he wished he’d thrown one of the wooden tables at them and I wished that I hadn’t had some horrendous fear reaction I couldn’t understand.

 

I have had the best sex I’ve ever had in my life this weekend… and I’ve also cried on the guy while I was having some of it because of the emotional release.

 

I’ve felt so lonely, so incredibly fucking lonely.  I wanted to die so badly.  The feeling of being unwanted and alone was like a rusty, blunt knife that would carve into me and make me lie on my hall floor crying weakly.  It just backed up the idea that I wasn’t good enough, I was never going to be good enough.  My love wasn’t good enough.
Then this guy comes… and he’s just as damaged as me.  It’s like someone zapped in the male version of me from some other reality.  The issue is we both sit there quietly assuming the worst about the other because of past experience.  He is scared that I’m just using him and I’m scared he’s just using me.  But he tells me that he loves me and I can’t reply back.  I know that I do… but that’s ridiculous (the voice says), I haven’t known him that long so I can’t possibly be in love with him.  He’s just saying it to me (the voice says) because he knows that it will sucker me in.

 

Meanwhile I’m tearing myself up because I can’t say it back.  I physically can’t do it because to me, admitting that I love him is giving him the green flag to go ahead and use me….

 

Which is the fucking sadest, most pitiful thing I ever hope to type.

 

Part of me is so fucking terrified that he’s going to leave and I’m going to be on my own again and I just can’t even cope with the idea.  I can’t cope with the idea of having this and then it disappearing.  I feel like that would be it and there’s no way in the world a relationship can survive under that pressure.  I don’t want to cling but I feel like this is the only fucking glimpse of any light that I’ve seen in the darkness for such a long time.

 

I am so goddamn broken.

Helping/not helping

So less than a week ago I woke up screaming because I’d had some kind of night terror.  I didn’t remember the dream, just the fear and then had that lingering ache all day.  Last night… no I remember the dream and I got woken up screaming again.

 

I know that this is my brain’s way of trying to process a lifetime’s worth of shit but I could do without twice in one week.

 

I know why it’s happening… I’m trying to make sense of my behaviour now by looking at what happened in the past.  So my brain is trying to be helpful and say ‘here you go, we’ll work on it all night for extra credit!  YAY!’ and then I’m having a dream about my ex, the person I thought I was a friend and trying to confront them in a pub full of a mixture of friends and colleagues.

 

Oh and picking the day that I have a job interview so I’ve had no sleep and I’m currently ill.  Extra points for that…

 

In a way I knew what I was in for in the dream.  I was the one who chose to be confrontational rather than sticking to what I’ve been doing in real life and avoiding the pair of them like the plague… not an easy feat when we have so many mutual friends its ridiculous.  I’ve managed though, it’s been nearly a year since I’ve had to see them.

 

In the dream I felt so confident and defiant and then it all just crumbled away when I got faced with an utter lack of remorse and amusement at me even thinking that’s what I’d get.  It finished with what I guess was a death blow in terms of emotional feelings… I should have just glassed the fucker.  We were in a pub in the dream.

 

In reality I know they’re a pair of cowards.  Unfortunately they’re cowards that can’t cope with not being the victim.  The only thing I have with him is that I was such a supportive and caring doormat he didn’t really have much ammo against me or at least that’s what I’ve been told by our millions of mutual friends… back when I asked.

 

My counselor says that I’m allowed to not be 100% ‘over it’ even though mutual friends have told me I should be by now.  Well maybe if I’d been told the truth from the off I’d have been able to process it rather than getting it in installments from people when they’d get pissed at parties and decide to tell me how much they knew was going on.

 

I’m tired and I don’t want to be ill and in a bad mood.  I am going to watch cartoons.