Everyone keeps telling me that I’m making it and yet I don’t feel that’s so much the case.
I suppose I’m getting better at analysing where my feelings are coming from and trying to recognise earlier when I’m starting to slip backwards. I’m under no illusions that I’ll ever be 100% ‘fixed’. I don’t think this is the kind of thing you get fixed from. I also don’t know if I’m expecting too much from so short a time. Over half my life has been interrupted continuously by wanting to die, depression and dark horrible moods. I’ve only really been looking for help since June.
Sometimes I wonder how much people see of this progress is because they want to see it. I have no idea.
Inside, I still hate myself. I catch myself in the middle of a happy moment hearing my own voice and realising I how fucking stupid I sound. Or I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wonder how the hell anyone can think I’m remotely attractive. Then I feel that horrible dark sinking feeling again.
I’ve really been done with people this past week. I don’t know how much of that has come from the fact that I had literally nothing to do at work. I sat and did puzzles for six hours one day. There is literally nothing I can do but I didn’t want to just stay at home given my boss was such an arse the other week. The boredom won’t be helping. The stress of about fifteen other people’s things won’t be helping either.
I cried on Friday night because I told my new other half that I just kept waiting for him to suddenly realise how ugly and needy I am and leave. Today, the voice in my head keeps telling me to imagine life if he does suddenly go and that all consuming loneliness comes back. It also told me to break up with him because he has his own baggage etc etc etc. So I know the voice is full of shit.
I feel like I’m living in an alternative universe that exists very close to another one in which I’m dead. Sometimes the awareness of it bleeds into my mind and I see the situation I’ll be in from the POV of what would have happened if I’d managed to kill myself.
Someone I used to be really close to, who would purport to be my best friend is soon to be cut out of my life. I realised last week that she interacted with me that little that I don’t think she’d even notice if I’d done it. She had no idea how low I was feeling. Of course very few people did and that was part of my achievement but still…
I keep being told to be more selfish and to stop taking other people’s problems onboard but I love taking care of people… it’s my whole thing. I’m trying to make bolder decisions but then I get crippled by guilt.
I just hope this move with my job is for the best.