Always the same hating

I’d thought that being in a relationship would help me with my depression and while it has and while it has definitely helped cut down on the suicidal thoughts what has ramped up to replace them is self loathing.

 

It doesn’t help that we’ve both been comfort eating so my weight is piling on and I haven’t had the energy to go to the gym or do anything but comfort eat.  I’m trying to make a mental resolution to draw a line under it but it isn’t easy.  I’m trying to get my head straight so I can drop at least some of this weight before the end of the year but keep getting put off by the fact that I was telling myself this in January and I just got fatter.

 

He keeps telling me that I’m beautiful and that he loves me but I just can’t see why.  My brain constantly reminds me of the fact I probably look terrible while we’re having sex, that he can see my double chin really badly from the angle he’s sat at on the sofa… that if I was thinner I could wear all the nerdy shirts in my wardrobe that are currently neglected.

 

It’s weird because he says the same about himself, that he can’t understand how I can think he’s attractive…  Sometimes we are just too strangely similar.

 

I was thinking the other day about how when I composed my mental list of attributes that I wanted my other half to have that, while he does tick so many, there are a few that he doesn’t.  But then when I examined the ones he didn’t it was all stuff that I had an issue with myself about.  Like I couldn’t cope with someone who had the same flaws as me or that reminded me of bad things from the past.  And yet here I am.  In love with this goofy man.

 

I’m trying to support him at the moment and trying to keep on at work with me working out my notice but its hard.  I can feel myself sliding backwards again and I’m trying not to.  I’m trying to look super efficient at work and get things done but I’m terrified about my new impending job.  I’m trying to make more of an effort socially but it’s just draining me.  I’m trying to get back on the diet wagon but the idea of ‘depriving myself’ of crap foods makes me feel like life isn’t worth it.  I’m trying to see myself as he sees me but it just makes things worse.  The more he tells me how beautiful I am the more I feel ugly.

 

Which is just so fucking stupid and so ungrateful.

 

There are so many people going through crap at the moment and there’s nothing I can do to help them and so I feel sad and small.

 

Work is hell at the moment.  It’s like some sort of negativity vortex.. which is good at convincing me that going was exactly the right thing to do but also not good in that I still have to keep showing up and pretending to do things even though there isn’t a great deal I can do.  I’ve had three people crying in my office today about various terrible things that are going on…

 

My mom was talking about me retraining some time ago but I already have one worthless degree so what is the point in having another?

It’s funny… in that I still have the thing where I long for the annihilation of the planet and still think that the majority of human beings are just bags of meat.  When all this crap between America and Korea has gone off I haven’t been scared, it’s just made me feel more tired.  It just made me think ‘ugh but I bet that we’ll still survive and things will just be more effort and I’ll just get killed by supermutants trying to heat a can of beans’.  This is so selfish and inhuman and not right given that I know so many people I care for have kids etc etc…

 

But at the same time I love the idea of humanity getting wiped out.  The planet sorting itself out, destroying all the concrete….  What do we truly do to benefit anyone other than ourselves?

 

It’s not even a vindictive thought.  I’m not thinking about people suffering… just not existing anymore.  Which I guess is possibly more messed up.

 

I’m just so fucking tired and I’m sick of human beings and their self absorbed twattery bringing misery to themselves and others.

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Knowing the dark voice

I can’t say whether things have dramatically changed for the better since my counsellor has helped me recognise the horrible voice in my head as a separate entity or not but it’s definitely doing something.  I read something online where someone said they visualised it as a mini Donald Trump but I ended up in the realms of fantasy for mine (as usual).

 

So despite the voice telling me that everything is going to go wrong with this relationship and that new guy is just using me for my ‘resources’ I ended up telling him I loved him on Sunday.. in my usual so planned and subtle way of blurting it out in the middle of watching a band.

 

In my defense the series of events is as follows:

1 –  He unintentionally ended up staying Thursday and went home on the Friday night

2 – When the gig started, the band played an unexpected cover of Starman which was the song that reminded me of the time I nearly went over the edge again a couple of months ago and was the song I was blaring out driving to get pizza at 11pm… this made me think, again, of the fact that if I had gone through with what I’d wanted then I wouldn’t have been at that gig at that point in time with a guy I knew I loved

3 – The main band come on.  I’ve been standing up in a packed room for about two hours by this point and suddenly realise that I’m either going to pass out, faint or both.  I try to ignore this feeling and then give up and let him know (I felt bad as he hadn’t seen them before and didn’t have much money to buy the ticket.  It turns out I was going down with a flu virus).  He immediately pulled me through the crowd, sat me down somewhere safe and ran backwards and forwards to the bar for water.  This sounds really stupid but I can’t count the number of times my ex would abandon me at gigs or generally not bother to look after me at all.

4 – They played a song that was really sad for him but had a lot of meaning for me.  Especially as the time I’d seen them last year I was feeling incredibly crap and single and my two friends were kissing the entire song.  They then followed this with a song that was really sad for me and reminded me of crying along to it because of feeling so fucking lonely.

 

So the resulting event was me turning round and looking at him and realising that this man genuinely gave a shit about me and it was about time that I told him I loved him rather than holding him hostage with it.

 

When we talked about it when we got back we both cried.  He apparently had written off the idea of me saying it until about 3 months from now when I’d had more counselling etc.

 

We’re both so, so damaged.  For all his bluster and swagger I can see that he is just as worried that I’m going to evaporate as he is.  I’ve met his family now and he’s due to meet mine in the near future… if you were just out to exploit someone then you wouldn’t do that?

 

You also wouldn’t spend the entire day, either side of job interviews, looking after the very weak and pathetic woman in question who had snored all night thanks to her sinuses shutting down and who was running a fever…

 

And yet he turned round to me and said he was waiting for me to come to my senses and for the ‘novelty to wear off’.

 

It’s funny how his voice and mine often coordinate and we can spot when it’s happening in each other’s brains.  Thankfully we’re being honest with each other but it’s just…. odd.  I’m starting to understand how stupid my thoughts can seem to other people now.

 

So this is week one of me not having a session because my counsellor is on holiday, next week is blank as well.

 

I have achieved the goal of getting the other job that I thought I had royally fucked up.  My brain isn’t accepting this as the case though even though I have an email in my inbox with all the contract info etc…  I suppose I thought I wouldn’t be moving jobs for a long time but in all honesty all this week when I’ve been off I’ve been looking at my oncoming appraisal with the dread of ‘oh fuck I’m probably going to get fired’  So I guess if I hand my notice in first it’s a winner.  It’s slightly less money but hopefully not having to drive so much will balance it out?  I can dream.

 

I’m very, very fearful of jumping from the frying pan into the fire and I think some of me not accepting that I got the job is me being scared of GETTING the job.

 

Basically: how to come across as being really ungrateful for good things happening in your life all of a sudden

Help me think I’m somebody else

So I’m still alive.  Just really, really tired.

 

After spending almost a continuous week together I suddenly was away for 5 days and it left me and my new found lover guy separated.  It wasn’t the best timing as I’m apparently the only thing helping him keep things together.

 

He was sent for immediate counselling as soon as he registered with his new Drs and whoever the counsellor was basically ripped open all the wounds he was trying to keep shut so he can function for the time being.  He needs to find a new job and get his life established up here so he hasn’t got the luxury of being able to fall apart for a bit like I did.

 

We ended up on the phone at one point because he had got himself into a state in the way that I do.  In some ways it’s a blessing and a curse that he’s effectively the male version of me.  For a short time I was scared he was going to end things and the idea of the one light I have at the moment disappearing…. it was like I could feel my soul tightening up.

 

The whole (short) time we have been together has made me realise that I’m not used to being loved.  I’m not used to having someone want to do things for me and treat me.  I’m not used to having a guy want to shower me in affection.  I’m trying to get better at accepting it and it’s hard.

 

While I’m sat in my mental headspace with my depression voice telling me ‘he’s going to leave, he doesn’t love you, he’s taking you for a fool’ he’s also sat a couple of miles away with exactly the same thing.

 

We’ve got thrown together so fast but it feels like I’ve known him forever and the logical part of my brain is having a meltdown over it.

 

All I know is that when I’ve seen him I’m not thinking of driving into the crash barrier at 100mph on the way to work anymore.

 

It would be so much easier to be dead.  But then I was watching this amazing band on the weekend after spending the day laughing with friends and I realised that I was nearly not there for this.  Even this moment right now when I’m typing… if I’d actually done what I wanted to do in June then I wouldn’t be here.

 

I’m not saying that things have outweighed that because they haven’t…  I’m still tired, I still hate myself but I suppose the actual continual suicidal thoughts have lessened off.

 

I was stood watching the band, trying to visualise what the time would have been like if I wasn’t there.  Short of the practicality side of me not being there to give a lift to some of my friends, would they actually have noticed the fact I wasn’t there?  Would it have made an impact on their experience…?  I find it hard to believe…

 

I made friends with a lady while I was there that was just starting off into a new relationship too and she was just as scared as I was.  She couldn’t see why he would find anything redeeming or attractive about her just like I can’t see it in relation to me.  I think part of me feels like he’s just after the security I can give him because there’s no other reason he’d possibly like me.

 

I’ve seen photos of myself at the weekend and I just… I can’t describe how much I hate myself.  I spent the whole time trying to hide from the camera and throw things in front of my face.  It reminds me of the time that a group of my friends were doing ‘fugly’ selfies as a joke and they got angry with me because I wouldn’t do it.  I wouldn’t do it because I always feel like that, I don’t need any extra help.

 

The job that I went for have asked me to tell them when I’m free so I can do a teleconference thing but I just wonder if they’re going to turn into another shambles like this job is.  At least it would be a shamble closer to home I suppose.  It would also have the corporate safety blanket involved.

 

I’m so tired I feel like falling asleep at my desk.  I want to sleep but I promised myself I’d start going back to dance class and have told everyone I’m going tonight.  It’s only an hour and hopefully they’ll be easy on me because I’ve said what I’m like.

 

On the weekend some nobs invaded our site and were joking about this D list celebrity who had killed himself and I had to walk away.  People are fucking idiots.  I just wanted to tell them that it’s not funny.  People being pushed to the brink isn’t funny.  Deciding that the best option for the whole planet is for you to be removed from it isn’t hilarious…  I didn’t because I felt disassociated with it because of wanting to shoot myself.  I’m not great at tying knots so hanging didn’t really have that resonance with me… that and a lack of accessible places to try and hang from to do it properly.  Haven’t got the right stair rails…

 

But then if I had… I would never have met Him… I wouldn’t have had 7 orgasms last night and I wouldn’t know that I was capable of experiencing the relationship I’m in right now.

 

My head is such a mess… I feel so fucking lost.  I just want to hide with him.

Cause I’m fucked up, because you are

I had an amazing weekend.  Despite this hitting a number of triggeringly trigger things and despite me crying naked on top of someone…

 

We’ll get to that.

 

On Friday I sat down in my counsellor’s office and said ‘I am a freak.  There is a man trying to get into a loving relationship with me, who tells me that I’m beautiful and whose jaw visibly dropped the first time we went on a date… and it fucking terrifies me and I have no idea how to process it’

 

It fucking upsets me.  What kind of messed up human being am I that can’t cope with being loved?  What does that say about me?  He tells me that he loves me and all I can feel is suspicion.  All I can think is ‘what do you want though?’  I look into his eyes and I don’t see that at all and yet it’s what my head can’t get round.  This roadblock of ‘we got completely used before’.

 

Speaking of which…  The gods are cruel and have a sense of humour…  ‘Let’s go to the pub’ ‘I’m not sure… EX and OTHER BINT go there’ ‘They haven’t been in ages, I asked around’
I went knowing full well that they would be there.  I could have been told that they had moved to the moon and known that they would show up.
They did.

 

The worst thing?  I was sat there and enjoying myself but I was on edge because I KNEW… and then I saw him and I felt fear.  Pure physical fear.  My hands started shaking.  He was never violent towards me, never abusive and never giving me any reason to be SCARED of the bastard… and yet there we were.

 

I’ve been trying to think about it a lot and the only explanation I can think of is that it’s the fear of being hurt again.  The fear of looking into the eyes of someone that I had loved so fucking utterly and completely for seven years and seeing nothing there.  I don’t love him anymore, I have no feelings anymore… except fear apparently.

 

So then I’m sat there, feeling this physical fear and being appalled with myself for it.  How can they instill that in me?  Why the hell am I shaking?  This is bullshit.

 

He looked in my direction, did this half hearted completely fake smile and then disappeared upstairs with her.

 

So we left the pub and walked back while he wished he’d thrown one of the wooden tables at them and I wished that I hadn’t had some horrendous fear reaction I couldn’t understand.

 

I have had the best sex I’ve ever had in my life this weekend… and I’ve also cried on the guy while I was having some of it because of the emotional release.

 

I’ve felt so lonely, so incredibly fucking lonely.  I wanted to die so badly.  The feeling of being unwanted and alone was like a rusty, blunt knife that would carve into me and make me lie on my hall floor crying weakly.  It just backed up the idea that I wasn’t good enough, I was never going to be good enough.  My love wasn’t good enough.
Then this guy comes… and he’s just as damaged as me.  It’s like someone zapped in the male version of me from some other reality.  The issue is we both sit there quietly assuming the worst about the other because of past experience.  He is scared that I’m just using him and I’m scared he’s just using me.  But he tells me that he loves me and I can’t reply back.  I know that I do… but that’s ridiculous (the voice says), I haven’t known him that long so I can’t possibly be in love with him.  He’s just saying it to me (the voice says) because he knows that it will sucker me in.

 

Meanwhile I’m tearing myself up because I can’t say it back.  I physically can’t do it because to me, admitting that I love him is giving him the green flag to go ahead and use me….

 

Which is the fucking sadest, most pitiful thing I ever hope to type.

 

Part of me is so fucking terrified that he’s going to leave and I’m going to be on my own again and I just can’t even cope with the idea.  I can’t cope with the idea of having this and then it disappearing.  I feel like that would be it and there’s no way in the world a relationship can survive under that pressure.  I don’t want to cling but I feel like this is the only fucking glimpse of any light that I’ve seen in the darkness for such a long time.

 

I am so goddamn broken.