Hang ups

It’s weird, in that I know I don’t want kids… but I find that there’s suddenly this portion of my life as a result that is trapped behind an invisible pane of glass.

 

I can blame my mom in that she did such a top level job of scaring the shit out of me when it came to the idea of having a kid, sex, teen pregnancy etc that I was pretty terrified of anything and everything and thoroughly put off kids (“I won’t look after it for you” “they scream and crap everywhere at 2am” etc etc).  Think the sex ed that the girls have on South Park and you won’t be far off.

 

But now my friend is preggo with child number 3 and my new partner has two young kids of his own.  He’s been going through a lot of trauma because of being away from them and I find myself frozen.  There’s nothing I can say or do (step one of surviving as the ‘childless friend’ is knowing that you are not EVER allowed to comment on parenting) to fix things.  He has this whole area of his life that I can’t relate to and can only really try through anecdotes and observations I have of my friends raising kids…  I’m not complaining but… I don’t know.

 

I don’t need much help feeling inadequate and even though I’m not ‘the other woman’ because we didn’t even meet until he’d already been broken up with I still feel weird.

 

It’s made me think a lot about kids and what could have been, what I was prepared for etc…  I’d always been of the opinion that you shouldn’t have kids unless you had a desperate, longing desire to have them.  After my experiences at the hands of my parents I don’t feel equipped to be a parent.  I’ve never fantasised about having kids… never really seen kids in my life.  Not that I hate them… it’s just complicated I suppose.

 

When I bought the house that I live in I purposefully went with one bigger than me and my ex needed for the express reason of having space if something were to happen.  We’d been together 7 years, I knew his family well and I was getting close to 30.  I knew he’d be a terrible father given that I was the one who did mostly everything and he wasn’t keen on being a stay at home dad given I was the breadwinner out of the two of us.  Sometimes my thoughts would stray… sometimes I’d try and picture our kid (I was sure we’d have a boy) and the fact that his dad would be so happy if he had a male grandchild…..  Dumb stuff.  I’m now 10000% happy that I DID NOT have a child because otherwise I’d be the one stuck with the kid and he’d have dumped me for the snake bitch he’s with now.

 

I’ve been riding this emotional rollercoaster with him but not with him.  I obviously wasn’t there when he went to see them but I was the one holding him when he was upset about it.  I was the one trying to find the words to say that I’m sure it would work out fine but I feel like a fraud.  All I can do is try and be supportive about something that I don’t have a clue about.  He posted a picture of himself with his kids and my heart broke a bit.  I know that I’m not keeping him from them… their mom chose to split with him but at the same time it felt like he had.

 

My depression voice tells me a lot of things still and I’ve been trying to do my best to drown the voice out on my own.  I’m worried that when I start my new job I won’t be able to keep up counselling as I haven’t told them about my depression or the fact I was off as a result of it.  Deceptive?  Ish..  I do blame my current job for part of the reason I went overboard and let’s face it there aren’t many employers that reward you for being honest when it comes to mental health.

 

The voice has really cranked up the self loathing and anxiety of late.

 

My guy tells me that I’m beautiful and I feel like he’s obviously taking crazy pills or lying.  My current theory is more the former than the latter (does this count as progress?)

I asked him for help with something after we weren’t supposed to be seeing each other till the weekend.  I now feel needy, weak and clingy even though he has agreed to help.  The fact that he hasn’t replied to my message saying thank you is making me feel like this is confirmed.

 

Apparently I’m making progress though.  I severed a lot of ties with things that have been dragging me down and been on my mind.  I have been making more of a concerted effort to try and eat less shit (she says with chocolate in her bag).  My boss pissed me off and I fired off a concise but pointed message right back rather than crying…

 

At the moment I just want to fucking cry though.  I don’t know if it’s because I feel like I’ve been playing my old role of the emotional crutch recently or what.  I just want to sob.  My counsellor says that I need to stop being the one to offer help and support all the time and look after myself… but that isn’t very me.  I’m the one that loves looking after people.  When my boyfriend was going through a tough time I baked, bought in his favourite beer and buried him in blankets.  When my other friend was going through some tough times I sent over some money so he could buy himself something dumb and frivolous…   I’m the person that amazon primes something to her house so she can make sure you get the best birthday present even though she thought she wouldn’t see you…

 

I can’t break out of that role.  I’m trying to be more ‘selfish’… but it’s hard.  He says he wants to spoil me and buy me dumb stuff but my reflex reaction is ‘no don’t’ because I don’t feel worth it.  The ‘women’s magazine advice’ part of my brain points out that I did this in a previous relationship and had flowers all of one time.  No corporate love day present… I ended up paying for us to go out for a meal on my own birthday once…  I guess I don’t feel worth it.  I don’t feel worth more.

 

How the hell do I make that happen?

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Love and fear

 

So I had a moment on the weekend when I was taking some water out of the fridge and in that moment I realised that I was actually content and happy, bordering on a slight urge to skip.  As soon as I came to this realisation a sledgehammer of fear and worry hit me.  The voice said to me ‘aaaah but you’ve been happy before and it never lasts’.  It sucked some of that joy away.

 

When I went to counselling we ‘unpacked’ why I’d felt fear on seeing my ex and the other cunt.  I saw him crossing the road literally a week or so later and didn’t run him over with my car and also didn’t feel that same icy fear.  She said that she thought it was some previous experience that triggered it rather than them themselves.  I think it’s to do with the nightmare that I’d had about them.

 

I ended up meeting the new man’s family which was also fear inducing.  The plan had been to hide from the world in my house all weekend so I was fully looking forward to being in introvert mode in a duvet fort… and then I get told that I’m invited to a family gathering and he wants me to go.  The day before it was due to happen.  Panic ensues.

 

I’m not good with surprise social gatherings… I have in fact lied in the past to get out of them because it means having to psych myself up and change my mindset.  Let alone one that’s one of these Milestone things…  But I went.  They were nice… but it’s all very strange.  I’m yet to know if I haven’t passed the test.

 

I keep finding myself swinging between love and fear constantly.  I hate that I don’t trust this man because I DO trust this man.  Hell, I love this man even though none of this makes any sense…  But then I keep waiting for him to go.  He says he isn’t going anywhere, he has shown me to his family… I know he’s talked about me to them as his dad commented about where I worked and my garden without me having mentioned it to them…  And yet my brain keeps throwing up images of him telling me that he’s going, that he’s decided this is all wrong.

 

I’m so terrified and it’s all my own brain that’s doing it.

 

I just keep remembering that intense, awful loneliness and the wanting to die and the feeling so awful and I’m so scared that I may have to go back to that.  I know that’s the risk with any relationship but… I don’t know.  I’m scared to tell people I’m seeing someone in case he suddenly disappears in a puff of smoke but we’ve been seeing each other for about 4 weeks now and it feels like 4 years…  Is this just oxytocin or is this a thing?

 

We talked about suicide and about how he’d been sucked into those feelings not too long ago.  It was odd hearing him talk about it and awful.  Just like the thoughts I’d had at the festival where I suddenly realised that I nearly wasn’t there… I was imagining that he had pulled it off and I’d never have met him.

 

I’m so scared of losing an actual form of happiness that I’m now scared that the fear is going to be the thing that does it.  We’re trying to be honest and that’s all I can do.  He knows that I love him and I know I will say it but I just… can’t.  Not at the moment.  I’m just so scared of being used again and of having all of my love and compassion thrown back in my face… that was to be honest about as much of a betrayal to me as the cheating itself…  that my ex accused me of treating him like a ‘pet’ and smothering him.

 

I’m so tried… all the fucking time.  I’m tired of fighting how I feel out of fear

 

 

Cause I’m fucked up, because you are

I had an amazing weekend.  Despite this hitting a number of triggeringly trigger things and despite me crying naked on top of someone…

 

We’ll get to that.

 

On Friday I sat down in my counsellor’s office and said ‘I am a freak.  There is a man trying to get into a loving relationship with me, who tells me that I’m beautiful and whose jaw visibly dropped the first time we went on a date… and it fucking terrifies me and I have no idea how to process it’

 

It fucking upsets me.  What kind of messed up human being am I that can’t cope with being loved?  What does that say about me?  He tells me that he loves me and all I can feel is suspicion.  All I can think is ‘what do you want though?’  I look into his eyes and I don’t see that at all and yet it’s what my head can’t get round.  This roadblock of ‘we got completely used before’.

 

Speaking of which…  The gods are cruel and have a sense of humour…  ‘Let’s go to the pub’ ‘I’m not sure… EX and OTHER BINT go there’ ‘They haven’t been in ages, I asked around’
I went knowing full well that they would be there.  I could have been told that they had moved to the moon and known that they would show up.
They did.

 

The worst thing?  I was sat there and enjoying myself but I was on edge because I KNEW… and then I saw him and I felt fear.  Pure physical fear.  My hands started shaking.  He was never violent towards me, never abusive and never giving me any reason to be SCARED of the bastard… and yet there we were.

 

I’ve been trying to think about it a lot and the only explanation I can think of is that it’s the fear of being hurt again.  The fear of looking into the eyes of someone that I had loved so fucking utterly and completely for seven years and seeing nothing there.  I don’t love him anymore, I have no feelings anymore… except fear apparently.

 

So then I’m sat there, feeling this physical fear and being appalled with myself for it.  How can they instill that in me?  Why the hell am I shaking?  This is bullshit.

 

He looked in my direction, did this half hearted completely fake smile and then disappeared upstairs with her.

 

So we left the pub and walked back while he wished he’d thrown one of the wooden tables at them and I wished that I hadn’t had some horrendous fear reaction I couldn’t understand.

 

I have had the best sex I’ve ever had in my life this weekend… and I’ve also cried on the guy while I was having some of it because of the emotional release.

 

I’ve felt so lonely, so incredibly fucking lonely.  I wanted to die so badly.  The feeling of being unwanted and alone was like a rusty, blunt knife that would carve into me and make me lie on my hall floor crying weakly.  It just backed up the idea that I wasn’t good enough, I was never going to be good enough.  My love wasn’t good enough.
Then this guy comes… and he’s just as damaged as me.  It’s like someone zapped in the male version of me from some other reality.  The issue is we both sit there quietly assuming the worst about the other because of past experience.  He is scared that I’m just using him and I’m scared he’s just using me.  But he tells me that he loves me and I can’t reply back.  I know that I do… but that’s ridiculous (the voice says), I haven’t known him that long so I can’t possibly be in love with him.  He’s just saying it to me (the voice says) because he knows that it will sucker me in.

 

Meanwhile I’m tearing myself up because I can’t say it back.  I physically can’t do it because to me, admitting that I love him is giving him the green flag to go ahead and use me….

 

Which is the fucking sadest, most pitiful thing I ever hope to type.

 

Part of me is so fucking terrified that he’s going to leave and I’m going to be on my own again and I just can’t even cope with the idea.  I can’t cope with the idea of having this and then it disappearing.  I feel like that would be it and there’s no way in the world a relationship can survive under that pressure.  I don’t want to cling but I feel like this is the only fucking glimpse of any light that I’ve seen in the darkness for such a long time.

 

I am so goddamn broken.

Helping/not helping

So less than a week ago I woke up screaming because I’d had some kind of night terror.  I didn’t remember the dream, just the fear and then had that lingering ache all day.  Last night… no I remember the dream and I got woken up screaming again.

 

I know that this is my brain’s way of trying to process a lifetime’s worth of shit but I could do without twice in one week.

 

I know why it’s happening… I’m trying to make sense of my behaviour now by looking at what happened in the past.  So my brain is trying to be helpful and say ‘here you go, we’ll work on it all night for extra credit!  YAY!’ and then I’m having a dream about my ex, the person I thought I was a friend and trying to confront them in a pub full of a mixture of friends and colleagues.

 

Oh and picking the day that I have a job interview so I’ve had no sleep and I’m currently ill.  Extra points for that…

 

In a way I knew what I was in for in the dream.  I was the one who chose to be confrontational rather than sticking to what I’ve been doing in real life and avoiding the pair of them like the plague… not an easy feat when we have so many mutual friends its ridiculous.  I’ve managed though, it’s been nearly a year since I’ve had to see them.

 

In the dream I felt so confident and defiant and then it all just crumbled away when I got faced with an utter lack of remorse and amusement at me even thinking that’s what I’d get.  It finished with what I guess was a death blow in terms of emotional feelings… I should have just glassed the fucker.  We were in a pub in the dream.

 

In reality I know they’re a pair of cowards.  Unfortunately they’re cowards that can’t cope with not being the victim.  The only thing I have with him is that I was such a supportive and caring doormat he didn’t really have much ammo against me or at least that’s what I’ve been told by our millions of mutual friends… back when I asked.

 

My counselor says that I’m allowed to not be 100% ‘over it’ even though mutual friends have told me I should be by now.  Well maybe if I’d been told the truth from the off I’d have been able to process it rather than getting it in installments from people when they’d get pissed at parties and decide to tell me how much they knew was going on.

 

I’m tired and I don’t want to be ill and in a bad mood.  I am going to watch cartoons.