My head is full of anxiety gnats. It’s the only way I can think to describe it. Since about 1pm today I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of foreboding and anxiety.
Some of it won’t be helped by the fact that it’s been snowing and I’ve had my mom flapping at me over the phone about coming to visit me before Xmas. I don’t know whether I really want her here or not, just that I know she wanted to come here.
My friend who is seemingly now not really my friend anymore now I’ve lost my patience was on about me seeing her tonight but then never responded to my text when I asked her if she was awake still… So I think I’ve been psyching myself up for a debate that didn’t end up happening. I don’t deal well with confrontation and even though it wasn’t really going to be a confrontation as such it was still going to be… something. I get that when people have kids that their priorities shift etc etc. But please don’t go round vaguebooking that you don’t have any friends. Maybe it’s because you don’t speak to the ones you have on their best days, let alone when they’re possibly going to start drowning in depression again.
It’s been trying to come back. I went to counselling last week thinking I was okay and then it turned out after crying hysterically that I definitely wasn’t. I felt a bit better for getting it out but I still feel so tired. I slept for well over 10 hours last night and could have kept going but I’m not really doing anything.
Stresses I have at the moment:
1 – Remaining interview
2 – Awaiting to hear from previous interviews and most probably accepting rejections
3 – When the fuck am I going to get a job?
4 – When the fuck am I going to get the money owed to me by my previous job?
5 – When are they going to ask for their laptop and phone back given they’re still sat in my house making me feel worse every time I look at them?
6 – Xmas
7 – Money
On the other hand I know my dad’s alive so that’s something. I don’t know what caused the radio silence after his birthday but at least I know I’m not going to get a phonecall from someone for a while yet. I daren’t tell him that I’ve been made redundant or he’ll probably try and come to see me ¬_¬ As far as he knows I’m still with my ex as well.
On that front… While this is the guy who will tell me he loves me and I’m beautiful… I still find myself stepping around him with emotional caution. I still keep waiting for him to go or for him to change his mind. I keep waiting for him to unveil himself as a true horrible bastard.
I think a lot of my depression and my anxiety issues are linking into not feeling like I can trust my judgement. I feel like I fucked up when it came to my ex, the job choice that led me to not having a job anymore… I just feel like I’m a contestant on Takeshi’s castle where they’re running across the stepping stones to try to get to the other side but I keep stepping on the ones that aren’t real and I eventually tumble into the water and hit my head on a concrete one.
Christmas is just leaving me so fucking cold at the moment. Boyfriend pretty much made me put my decorations up and I lost energy half way through the tree. Then all I could think about was 2014 when I was putting my tree up, merrily getting on with xmas and all the while my ex was cheating on me. I feel this real hatred about my ignorance.
Ugggggh. Just please gods, get me through this interview and please give me a job. If this man is good please don’t let me fuck up things with him because my brain is such a scrambled mess.