My inner voice is utterly battering the shit out of me today.
I had a pre-xmas counselling session booked in case all of my job interviews turned up with nothing but thankfully I’ve had two offers and I’m taking one forward. As a result I cancelled the appointment I was supposed to have had…
I’ve been in tears today just battling from one thing to another. Even during my mandatory ‘going outside and mingling with people’ shift where I went to the shops.
Things definitely seem to be focusing on me not trusting my judgement anymore. I guess it’s understandable… first I decide to bury my head in the sand rather than realising what a cock my ex was and then secondly I decide to jump to a new job which explodes on impact…
My ‘financial issues’ button is really getting hammered as well thanks to unexpected Xmas present buying and then the money from being made redundant not turning up because my ex-employer seems to be managed by morons.
Someone I used to work with told me off for not coming to him to say what had happened and I had to explain that it was a mixture of battered pride and anxiety (along with a load of legal things) that meant I hadn’t. He said they would have sorted me out jobwise which then made the flag go up about the fact my new potential job would be a definite pay drop from what I’ve been on. But at the same time it’s close to where I live and it doesn’t involve selling anything. It’s also not working for some giant soulless corporation (though part of me did revel in the horrible sadism of working for the Empire).
Over the past few days my fatigue has really, really, really kicked in. I’m getting tired at 9 and wanting to go to bed but then caffeinating myself to try and stay up longer… which of course is super healthy.
I’m trying to enjoy my ‘time off’ now I have a potential job sorted and it’s not working. I don’t have the usual distraction of my boyfriend around as he’s dealing with seasonal family stuff. Meanwhile my job offer are scrabbling round trying to get references when everyone who classes themselves as managerial tends to be off from now until the new year.
So I’m plowing hours into videogames instead where I can feel like I’m achieving something.
Is vomiting up my organs a positive life choice? It’s what I feel like doing.