So I handed in my notice at my current job today. Turns out that despite thinking that the interview for the one I went for was awful I got the job… So I had the option of one closer to home on slightly less money that would (hopefully) give me more activity or to stay in this one where the ceiling has fallen in last year, we’ve had the heating on every day I’ve worked here and I’m bored witless.
I think the combination of the commute and not meeting my targets has been significantly contributing to fucking me up. There’s also the way that when I handed in my sick note to say I had depression my boss didn’t even look at it or open up any dialogue about what he could do to help or to make sure that I’m doing okay.
Despite these things I still didn’t sleep last night because of running over all the possible things that could go wrong with handing it in, changing to the new job and what would happen as a result of leaving here. My brain is so scared of change it’s untrue ¬_¬
This is also going to be my second week of not having had any counselling and I do miss it but I think I’m going to have to make the most of it as I think I’m going to have to stop when I start my new job. I’m still not sure where precisely they’re going to put me.
So I went in and told my shell shocked boss what I’d wanted to tell him since Monday and he just accepted it and then I left his office. Someone I work with was shocked that he didn’t put up a fight (one of the scenarios that kept me from sleep last night). I think the thing is that even if he’d said I could work from home 100% of the time I wouldn’t have been happy. I don’t have enough to do and unfortunately I’m not the kind of person who can just sit and take their pay and actively not care about being bored.
If I was that kind of person I could have sat here with a puzzle book and waited to get sacked.
So it’s done and I have a month left here to try and sort out all the shit I’ve been dealing with before I go. I’m not going to miss this horrible building, I’m not going to miss the commute or the town that I work in…
Relationship wise things are good… which makes my brain suspicious. It makes my brain actively look for ways to sabotage things. Key example being that last weekend we’d had a really good time and then I decided to drop in a mention of not taking me forgranted which ended up triggering him (I couldn’t have known) and making him feel discontent for the rest of the evening ¬_¬ I just don’t know what my brain would accept as proof that he isn’t going to go anywhere as apparently him saying that he loves me isn’t good enough.
It’s also weird going out with someone who is as broken as I am and worries as much as I did. During the first week we went out it was shark week and he mentioned to me last weekend that surely I should have been on by now. Unfortunately my good man my uterus does not dance to a regular beat and was 2 weeks late last month ¬_¬ It was just odd to have it mentioned as a worry from a guy… Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining it’s just interesting.
He’s depressive as well, has had suicidal thoughts as well.. He has told me that I’m the only thing holding me together but I haven’t said the same to him as I don’t want to put that pressure on him.
I’m so so so so fucking tired at the moment it’s untrue. Yesterday and today I was practically falling asleep in the car on the drive to work. I don’t know if this is because I’m getting over an illness or the depression fighting back. I also haven’t been bothered to take any vitamin pills.
My diet is the worst thing ever at the moment. I can barely fit into anything and am faced with the prospect of this new job and not wanting to spend a load on new clothes. If I knuckled down to it and started cleaning up my diet then I could probably drop half a stone but unfortunately I just feel like I’m eating and drinking crap to survive. Case in point yesterday when I had two cans of energy drink just to stop myself from nodding off at my desk.
I hate myself so much, I don’t see how this guy can see anything nice in me at all. The joke of it is that he says the same about himself to me. I’m hoping we can muddle through all this crap together.