Maybe I’m not as good as I thought

So I haz job now.  Only because I started late it wasn’t worth them paying me for two days… and their payday is the middle of the month… so it feels less like a job and more like volunteer work at the moment.


On the plus side, the job is 10mins from my house in my car and I literally go to one office and stay there rather than having to do dumb shit like drive 2 hrs away from my house at 6pm for two late appointments and then get stuck in traffic.


My previous ‘job’ that made me redundant after a month are still not officially in administration so I have 0 monies from them and my job seekers obviously stopped when I got a job.  My poor, abused and used savings account.. I’m so sorry…


I keep fucking up at work… which I guess given I’ve been there 3 official weeks is okay but not to my perfectionist mind.  I’m used to having training when I start a new job but this was pretty much ‘here sit at the front desk and I, your manager, will sit next to you occasionally but mainly hover in the background while doing my own stuff’.  It’s been a learning curve.


In any event, I was sat at my desk just having been shouted at by a man because he owes rent arrears (which he does) and had a letter telling me this.  I didn’t feel bothered by it, I just couldn’t help him directly… and then my manager tells me that it’s okay to feel rattled and I can take a break if I want.  And I start off thinking ‘woman please I’ve dealt with far worse than this, I don’t care…’ and then I felt the tension in my body and my face and I realised that she was right.
It’s like I’m so out of touch with my feelings and it’s no wonder how I ended up like this.  I had no clue that the call had wound me up that badly until she’d said it… so then not only was I sat there trying to get my head around it but I’d also felt like I’d been walking around without my game face on…  No one, in any job I’ve ever worked in, has ever really asked how I was or if I was okay unless I actually started crying… which is probably about 3 times maybe.  So then I felt like I’ve lost something in that I’m wondering whether this lady is just very perceptive or if me dealing with all my shit has meant I’ve lost my ability to hide.
Which I don’t like…. but I’m sure is something positive in the long run.


Thankfully things are going well with the guy I am ‘seeing’ but I cannot for the life of me comprehend why he would waste his time on me or think I’m beautiful at all.  He reminded me of the dreaded Corporate Gift Giving Day on the horizon and I’d completely forgotten about it..  I think part of it is because I’ve got so used to descending into the bunker of solitude during that day and part of it is because I’ve got someone who seems to genuinely love me… so I don’t really need a big bear..


So roll on pay day and bring on the apathy about having a job and the taking forgranted of being in a relationship so I can be vaguely human again kthnx


I want to vomit up all my organs

That’s literally the level of stress I feel at the moment.  It feels like I’m continually charged with static electricity.


I’m supposed to start my new job next week but I’m waiting on the references from my previous jobs that were asked for… before Xmas.  I’ve got one down (I think) but as per usual the big corporation I worked for has apparently passed the request through 2 departments already and the job before the one that blew up is also making me wait.


There is nothing I can do about this.  I don’t want to alienate my previous bosses given… I will still need references.  The most frustrating thing being is that none of this is my fucking fault and yet here I am.  One of my bills bounced last week and all my Xmas bills have hit my account.  My savings account is doing its best to keep me afloat without any sign of being topped up any time soon…


It’s vomiting up my organs or ripping my face off while doing a death screech.
If you haven’t guessed I don’t deal well with situations where I can’t do anything about what is going on.
Until I get both references my new job is delayed.  I can’t contact the unemployment people until I know when my definite start date is.


**vomit vomit screech screech**


In other news I was told by my new boyfriend that I’m being too smothering and I need to ‘pour this affection somewhere else’ because I’m telling him that I love him too often.  I had a think about it and read a few articles etc…  I don’t tell him in order to hear it back (I mean this genuinely), I tell him because otherwise it just wells up and sits in my brain uncomfortably…  I think I do it because I have no love for myself at all, especially at the moment.  I’m trying to go back to healthy eating and not drinking so much diet coke anymore to help this but… ugh…  I know I don’t love myself in the slightest.



I guess the easy solution would be to get a dog or something but if I do EVER FEEL LIKE I’VE ACTUALLY GOT A FUCKING JOB it’s going to be bedtime tag team given I’ll be leaving at 8am and coming back for 6pm and he’ll be coming back for 8am and waking up at 6pm…  Limited psycho exposure.


I opened up to my friends via a non-vaguebook post about things and a lot of people sent me private messages to tell me about their struggles with depression, including one of my friends I had no clue about who is currently where I was in about June…  The joke of it being while my Dr was willing to throw medication at me from the start, hers wouldn’t.. even though she has kids.  Which I’m pretty sure isn’t what they’re supposed to do as I got asked (by the 1400 departments I had to talk to about me feeling suicidal) whether I had kids or not.


In my continued ramblings…  I think the thing about being over 30 and child free is starting to kick in a bit.  Not in me wanting them just…  when I was with my ex I think because we’d been together for so long I’d kind of just expected it to happen at some point.  It would have been awful and that kid wouldn’t have stood a chance… so I’m glad it didn’t… but I think I’d subconsciously made certain decisions with the expectation that it might.  Or that it was best to plan that way just in case…


Now I’m with someone who has kids already kind of… predone…  I just don’t know what to do with them.  I mean I can interact with kids fine but I want to help him with them and I feel like there’s this imaginary line between me and them.  They don’t really know me at all yet, let alone that I’m the evil (sort of) step-mother and they’re too young to get it at the moment…  So when he leaves me with them (with his family around and about) I and they start crying… I just feel useless.


One of my friends that I was really close to has kind of continually had children/been knocked up for the past 6 years now and I just get treated like I don’t exist because I don’t have kids.  I get treated like because I don’t have kids the only time I’d ever see her is a bar or something so she couldn’t possibly meet up with me.  NYE was the first time I’d spoken to her properly in about a year…..


I’m kind of looking forward to this year but I can’t see past where I am now and this static discharge feeling and wanting to throw up.  If future me could tell me that everything is going to be okay that would be ace… but she still hasn’t cracked timetravel out yet.



Festive thoughts

So all over Xmas eve and Xmas day I felt like I was getting punched in the face by emotions.


I am in no way Christian but I ended up at church and found myself welling up at every single thing.  I went to my family gathering and got overwhelmed by the people and by my aunt saying to me in a very meaningful way ‘look after yourself’ when I said goodbye.  We watched Zootropolis (of all things) and I got teared up.


I finally got to bed and got to be (relatively) alone with my thoughts that night and I started crying because I finally had the space enough to realise why.  It’s because in the back of my mind the entire time my brain was sending the hidden message of ‘you nearly weren’t here’.


I wouldn’t have spent Xmas with my boyfriend because I wouldn’t have met him.  I wouldn’t have spent Xmas day with my dorky and amazingly weird family (who I love) because I’d be dead.  I can’t imagine my mom would have spent it with them either… or I would have been the literal ghost at the feast.


So I cried and I woke him up even though I was trying not to.  And this foolish man told me how much he loved me, how much he wanted to stay with me.  More crying followed.


This year has been a bitch.  But I got him.


I got this man that can’t understand why telling me all these lovely things makes me cry and I realised it’s because I went from spending 7 years with someone who didn’t want to commit to anything (least of all me), to someone who wears their heart on their sleeve.  I was worried he was just in it for an easy ride so then the fates stripped things away and made my life harder… and he was still there.


I have a constant fear that my stability and the things that make me happy will go away, courtesy of my childhood…  I can’t help from feeling that and it isn’t something that I can easily fix.  All I can do is hope that I’m wrong about him and hope for the best when it comes to this new job.



Babble babble bitch bitch

My inner voice is utterly battering the shit out of me today.
I had a pre-xmas counselling session booked in case all of my job interviews turned up with nothing but thankfully I’ve had two offers and I’m taking one forward.  As a result I cancelled the appointment I was supposed to have had…


I’ve been in tears today just battling from one thing to another.  Even during my mandatory ‘going outside and mingling with people’ shift where I went to the shops.


Things definitely seem to be focusing on me not trusting my judgement anymore.  I guess it’s understandable… first I decide to bury my head in the sand rather than realising what a cock my ex was and then secondly I decide to jump to a new job which explodes on impact…


My ‘financial issues’ button is really getting hammered as well thanks to unexpected Xmas present buying and then the money from being made redundant not turning up because my ex-employer seems to be managed by morons.


Someone I used to work with told me off for not coming to him to say what had happened and I had to explain that it was a mixture of battered pride and anxiety (along with a load of legal things) that meant I hadn’t.  He said they would have sorted me out jobwise which then made the flag go up about the fact my new potential job would be a definite pay drop from what I’ve been on.  But at the same time it’s close to where I live and it doesn’t involve selling anything.  It’s also not working for some giant soulless corporation (though part of me did revel in the horrible sadism of working for the Empire).


Over the past few days my fatigue has really, really, really kicked in.  I’m getting tired at 9 and wanting to go to bed but then caffeinating myself to try and stay up longer… which of course is super healthy.


I’m trying to enjoy my ‘time off’ now I have a potential job sorted and it’s not working.  I don’t have the usual distraction of my boyfriend around as he’s dealing with seasonal family stuff.  Meanwhile my job offer are scrabbling round trying to get references when everyone who classes themselves as managerial tends to be off from now until the new year.


So I’m plowing hours into videogames instead where I can feel like I’m achieving something.


Is vomiting up my organs a positive life choice?  It’s what I feel like doing.

Job hunting and depression

It’s a real magical combo.


Firstly: you feel worthless already… now you feel EXTRA WORTHLESS while you’re trying desperately to prove how worthy of a job you are.  Thought you felt like you were spiraling into a pit of despair before?  You were merely at the very edge of the spiral!  Come join us further down where you feel the constant rejection as your phone alerts you to every rejection email you get… IF YOU EVEN GET ANY!



Secondly: thought you had no energy before?  Welcome to your new comatose state where even though you’ve done fuck all with your day, you feel tired!  Feel the life force energy drain from your body as you complete your third online application form of the day that asks you to retype everything on your CV… AND THEN ASKS YOU TO ATTACH YOUR CV ANYWAY!


Thirdly: enjoy that sweet, simmering resentment and ire at looking at poorly worded job adverts and job alerts for jobs that are in another part of the country!  Embrace that rage of looking on jealously at men walking around with suits and briefcases for WORK doing their WORK THINGS having JOBS.  What a bunch of bastards.


What else can this experience offer?  Job panic mode!  This special mode means you will suddenly start panicking in the middle of the week and apply for literally ANYTHING and then realise in a sober moment of horror what you have done when a recruitment agency starts chasing you because you’re probably the only person who has applied!


Don’t forget about that tear inducing, heart pounding fear at your first month without any wages coming in.  Some of you may have the added bonus of needing to wait 6 weeks for the government to pay you because your company has disappeared.


Add in added feelings of shame and anxiety and a feeling of utter despair and you’re feeling the whole package!


#eattherich #fuckcapitalism

What’s the date again?

So I’m now 3 weeks going on 4 weeks into redundancy and my savings have taken the first hit on a salary free month.  Given Xmas is next month I’m not feeling incredibly optimistic.


My appetite is lurching between 0 and 1000 and not helping matters any.


I keep getting ‘job blindness’ where I find that I’m applying for all sorts of shitty things that, when examined under the cold light of day, are unsuitable or don’t pay enough.  But then I find myself torn between ‘well you want to eat don’t you?!’ and ‘I don’t want to work till 8pm’.


It’s been rubbing my boyfriend up the wrong way as he’s always worked jobs with unsociable hours and they’ve always been hard jobs and then there’s me whining about one where you finish at 8 and have to work some weekends.  I know I’ve been lucky but then I’ve put the work in to get my career to that place.


I’ve gone back begging to my old old job that was in a very corporate environment but when I look back through rose tinted glasses seems like an amazing opportunity that I wasted… but then I remember coming home for days in tears and being so angry at one incident that I got up from my desk and left.


People keep telling me that I need to ‘enjoy this break’ and ‘find out what I want to do’.


Yeah great.  That will pay the bills I’m sure.


I have massive complexes when it comes to money… to the point I’d be standing in a queue to buy a £5 DVD going hot and cold and feeling my stomach churn.  I got better but now I’m afraid it’s going to start coming back.  Weirdly… it has but not when it comes to buying presents for Xmas…


I’ve still hardly told anyone.  Some of it is still my confusion over whether I can without being sued but the majority of it is this overriding sense of shame that makes it difficult.  I feel like I risked too much making my first career leap but when I look back I could see everyone was pushing me in that direction and I wanted to try and break out of that shitty situation and my comfort zone.  I left my job at the old place but at the same time it’s being pointed out to me that if I’d just put up and shut up for a bit longer then my last company would have gone bump while I was happily sat still getting employed on a decent wage for doing fuck all.


I feel like shit.  I feel like a massive leech.  I do genuinely feel like dole scum.


I’m trying to get out every day and trying to walk everywhere again to try and get my fitness back up but my main urge is to hide under the duvet.


The whole time I’m here I’m just imagining a universe where this is happened and I’m still single.  I genuinely think that would have been it.. but then what kind of pressure is that on a relationship?  I just imagine the situation with how I’d been feeling and then having my job ripped away… yeah I’d be severely hammering the quit button.  It’s difficult though as I saw a video of a man who survived crashing at 110mph so even if I’d tried that route it might not have worked.


My head feels like it’s about to explode.


I’m torn between one argument where I feel I should just accept any job and be grateful and the other half of me that says that there’s no point jumping to something for the sake of it if means that I’m miserable.

Being made redundant is like being dumped

So I guess when someone disappears for a bit the thoughts go to whether they’re dead or fixed.  I’m not either.


I left my job for another job.  Then life kicked me in the face because I was happy and I got made redundant (the company folded… it had been going 20 years until I joined it, go figure).


So now one one hand I have this relationship where I’m really happy and then on the other side I’m not trying desperately not to slide into a hole because I don’t have a job.  I think I must have achieved a world record in getting rejected for a job less than an hour after filling in the application form.


I never realised how important working was to me and how much of a part of my identity it was.  I never realised how important it was to me to be earning more than people I knew.  Suddenly these things get taken away and I just want to hide in a cupboard.  I feel a sense of shame about not having a job even though it’s nothing to do with me or my fault.
Brain: You should have stayed at job 1 and seen if you’d got the promotion.  You could have been working closer to home this whole time and had more money

Logic: If I’d done that I’d probably have killed myself already and the extra money wouldn’t have done much good

Brain: You should have just stuck it out at job 2 and kept taking the money and doing fuck all

Logic: That was what was adding to my depression


I am lucky in that I am in a more fortunate situation with bills etc than most other people I know who would be royally fucked.  This doesn’t stop the gremlins in my head though from making me feel like utter shit because I feel bad and depressed.


I am looking for work, I’m applying and I want another job.. but I feel like I’ve been taking so many backwards steps with my ‘career’.  People keep telling me to train to do something else but I went to Uni and came out of it with debt and no idea what to do… I don’t want to repeat that again.


My boyfriend is sticking by me even though I keep crying all the time.  Sometimes over him, sometimes over the sink because he tells me he’s going to reorganise my house and help me live off my budget and cook.  He doesn’t understand why I get upset about him telling me he isn’t going anywhere.  He doesn’t understand that I haven’t ever had that before.


I find myself constantly stopping myself from being ‘too clingy’ or ‘too emotional’ etc when the base meaning of all of this is ‘giving him excuses to run away’.


I love him so much that I’m terrified now.  I’m terrified that he’ll go and I’ll have pinned my reasons to keep on living on one person.  I was trying to imagine what I would have done if this had happened to me in July… and I think the answer is that I wouldn’t be say imagining anything at all in November.  I’d be dead.


I’ve gone back to counselling because of being so fucked up in the head.  I sat and stared at the phone for 10 mins before I rang her.  It feels like defeat.  My depression guru friend pointed out that this is incredibly flawed logic and yet here I am with it…


I just want to hide from everyone.  I want to assimilate with my duvet and/or my mattress and just stop existing.


I feel so fucking tired even though I’m just applying for jobs on a computer.  I feel like it’s draining my life force energy like the dark crystal and all I want to do is hug my boyfriend but then I just feel like a leech.


Gods help me.