Babble babble bitch bitch

My inner voice is utterly battering the shit out of me today.
I had a pre-xmas counselling session booked in case all of my job interviews turned up with nothing but thankfully I’ve had two offers and I’m taking one forward.  As a result I cancelled the appointment I was supposed to have had…

 

I’ve been in tears today just battling from one thing to another.  Even during my mandatory ‘going outside and mingling with people’ shift where I went to the shops.

 

Things definitely seem to be focusing on me not trusting my judgement anymore.  I guess it’s understandable… first I decide to bury my head in the sand rather than realising what a cock my ex was and then secondly I decide to jump to a new job which explodes on impact…

 

My ‘financial issues’ button is really getting hammered as well thanks to unexpected Xmas present buying and then the money from being made redundant not turning up because my ex-employer seems to be managed by morons.

 

Someone I used to work with told me off for not coming to him to say what had happened and I had to explain that it was a mixture of battered pride and anxiety (along with a load of legal things) that meant I hadn’t.  He said they would have sorted me out jobwise which then made the flag go up about the fact my new potential job would be a definite pay drop from what I’ve been on.  But at the same time it’s close to where I live and it doesn’t involve selling anything.  It’s also not working for some giant soulless corporation (though part of me did revel in the horrible sadism of working for the Empire).

 

Over the past few days my fatigue has really, really, really kicked in.  I’m getting tired at 9 and wanting to go to bed but then caffeinating myself to try and stay up longer… which of course is super healthy.

 

I’m trying to enjoy my ‘time off’ now I have a potential job sorted and it’s not working.  I don’t have the usual distraction of my boyfriend around as he’s dealing with seasonal family stuff.  Meanwhile my job offer are scrabbling round trying to get references when everyone who classes themselves as managerial tends to be off from now until the new year.

 

So I’m plowing hours into videogames instead where I can feel like I’m achieving something.

 

Is vomiting up my organs a positive life choice?  It’s what I feel like doing.

Advertisements

Skipping stones

 

My head is full of anxiety gnats.  It’s the only way I can think to describe it. Since about 1pm today I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of foreboding and anxiety.

 

Some of it won’t be helped by the fact that it’s been snowing and I’ve had my mom flapping at me over the phone about coming to visit me before Xmas.  I don’t know whether I really want her here or not, just that I know she wanted to come here.

 

My friend who is seemingly now not really my friend anymore now I’ve lost my patience was on about me seeing her tonight but then never responded to my text when I asked her if she was awake still…  So I think I’ve been psyching myself up for a debate that didn’t end up happening.  I don’t deal well with confrontation and even though it wasn’t really going to be a confrontation as such it was still going to be… something.  I get that when people have kids that their priorities shift etc etc.  But please don’t go round vaguebooking that you don’t have any friends.  Maybe it’s because you don’t speak to the ones you have on their best days, let alone when they’re possibly going to start drowning in depression again.
It’s been trying to come back.  I went to counselling last week thinking I was okay and then it turned out after crying hysterically that I definitely wasn’t.  I felt a bit better for getting it out but I still feel so tired.  I slept for well over 10 hours last night and could have kept going but I’m not really doing anything.

 

Stresses I have at the moment:

1 – Remaining interview

2 – Awaiting to hear from previous interviews and most probably accepting rejections

3 – When the fuck am I going to get a job?

4 – When the fuck am I going to get the money owed to me by my previous job?

5 – When are they going to ask for their laptop and phone back given they’re still sat in my house making me feel worse every time I look at them?

6 – Xmas

7 – Money

 

On the other hand I know my dad’s alive so that’s something.  I don’t know what caused the radio silence after his birthday but at least I know I’m not going to get a phonecall from someone for a while yet.  I daren’t tell him that I’ve been made redundant or he’ll probably try and come to see me ¬_¬  As far as he knows I’m still with my ex as well.

 

On that front…  While this is the guy who will tell me he loves me and I’m beautiful… I still find myself stepping around him with emotional caution.  I still keep waiting for him to go or for him to change his mind.  I keep waiting for him to unveil himself as a true horrible bastard.
I think a lot of my depression and my anxiety issues are linking into not feeling like I can trust my judgement.  I feel like I fucked up when it came to my ex, the job choice that led me to not having a job anymore…  I just feel like I’m a contestant on Takeshi’s castle where they’re running across the stepping stones to try to get to the other side but I keep stepping on the ones that aren’t real and I eventually tumble into the water and hit my head on a concrete one.

 

Christmas is just leaving me so fucking cold at the moment.  Boyfriend pretty much made me put my decorations up and I lost energy half way through the tree.  Then all I could think about was 2014 when I was putting my tree up, merrily getting on with xmas and all the while my ex was cheating on me.  I feel this real hatred about my ignorance.

 

Ugggggh.  Just please gods, get me through this interview and please give me a job.  If this man is good please don’t let me fuck up things with him because my brain is such a scrambled mess.

Knowing the dark voice

I can’t say whether things have dramatically changed for the better since my counsellor has helped me recognise the horrible voice in my head as a separate entity or not but it’s definitely doing something.  I read something online where someone said they visualised it as a mini Donald Trump but I ended up in the realms of fantasy for mine (as usual).

 

So despite the voice telling me that everything is going to go wrong with this relationship and that new guy is just using me for my ‘resources’ I ended up telling him I loved him on Sunday.. in my usual so planned and subtle way of blurting it out in the middle of watching a band.

 

In my defense the series of events is as follows:

1 –  He unintentionally ended up staying Thursday and went home on the Friday night

2 – When the gig started, the band played an unexpected cover of Starman which was the song that reminded me of the time I nearly went over the edge again a couple of months ago and was the song I was blaring out driving to get pizza at 11pm… this made me think, again, of the fact that if I had gone through with what I’d wanted then I wouldn’t have been at that gig at that point in time with a guy I knew I loved

3 – The main band come on.  I’ve been standing up in a packed room for about two hours by this point and suddenly realise that I’m either going to pass out, faint or both.  I try to ignore this feeling and then give up and let him know (I felt bad as he hadn’t seen them before and didn’t have much money to buy the ticket.  It turns out I was going down with a flu virus).  He immediately pulled me through the crowd, sat me down somewhere safe and ran backwards and forwards to the bar for water.  This sounds really stupid but I can’t count the number of times my ex would abandon me at gigs or generally not bother to look after me at all.

4 – They played a song that was really sad for him but had a lot of meaning for me.  Especially as the time I’d seen them last year I was feeling incredibly crap and single and my two friends were kissing the entire song.  They then followed this with a song that was really sad for me and reminded me of crying along to it because of feeling so fucking lonely.

 

So the resulting event was me turning round and looking at him and realising that this man genuinely gave a shit about me and it was about time that I told him I loved him rather than holding him hostage with it.

 

When we talked about it when we got back we both cried.  He apparently had written off the idea of me saying it until about 3 months from now when I’d had more counselling etc.

 

We’re both so, so damaged.  For all his bluster and swagger I can see that he is just as worried that I’m going to evaporate as he is.  I’ve met his family now and he’s due to meet mine in the near future… if you were just out to exploit someone then you wouldn’t do that?

 

You also wouldn’t spend the entire day, either side of job interviews, looking after the very weak and pathetic woman in question who had snored all night thanks to her sinuses shutting down and who was running a fever…

 

And yet he turned round to me and said he was waiting for me to come to my senses and for the ‘novelty to wear off’.

 

It’s funny how his voice and mine often coordinate and we can spot when it’s happening in each other’s brains.  Thankfully we’re being honest with each other but it’s just…. odd.  I’m starting to understand how stupid my thoughts can seem to other people now.

 

So this is week one of me not having a session because my counsellor is on holiday, next week is blank as well.

 

I have achieved the goal of getting the other job that I thought I had royally fucked up.  My brain isn’t accepting this as the case though even though I have an email in my inbox with all the contract info etc…  I suppose I thought I wouldn’t be moving jobs for a long time but in all honesty all this week when I’ve been off I’ve been looking at my oncoming appraisal with the dread of ‘oh fuck I’m probably going to get fired’  So I guess if I hand my notice in first it’s a winner.  It’s slightly less money but hopefully not having to drive so much will balance it out?  I can dream.

 

I’m very, very fearful of jumping from the frying pan into the fire and I think some of me not accepting that I got the job is me being scared of GETTING the job.

 

Basically: how to come across as being really ungrateful for good things happening in your life all of a sudden

Helping/not helping

So less than a week ago I woke up screaming because I’d had some kind of night terror.  I didn’t remember the dream, just the fear and then had that lingering ache all day.  Last night… no I remember the dream and I got woken up screaming again.

 

I know that this is my brain’s way of trying to process a lifetime’s worth of shit but I could do without twice in one week.

 

I know why it’s happening… I’m trying to make sense of my behaviour now by looking at what happened in the past.  So my brain is trying to be helpful and say ‘here you go, we’ll work on it all night for extra credit!  YAY!’ and then I’m having a dream about my ex, the person I thought I was a friend and trying to confront them in a pub full of a mixture of friends and colleagues.

 

Oh and picking the day that I have a job interview so I’ve had no sleep and I’m currently ill.  Extra points for that…

 

In a way I knew what I was in for in the dream.  I was the one who chose to be confrontational rather than sticking to what I’ve been doing in real life and avoiding the pair of them like the plague… not an easy feat when we have so many mutual friends its ridiculous.  I’ve managed though, it’s been nearly a year since I’ve had to see them.

 

In the dream I felt so confident and defiant and then it all just crumbled away when I got faced with an utter lack of remorse and amusement at me even thinking that’s what I’d get.  It finished with what I guess was a death blow in terms of emotional feelings… I should have just glassed the fucker.  We were in a pub in the dream.

 

In reality I know they’re a pair of cowards.  Unfortunately they’re cowards that can’t cope with not being the victim.  The only thing I have with him is that I was such a supportive and caring doormat he didn’t really have much ammo against me or at least that’s what I’ve been told by our millions of mutual friends… back when I asked.

 

My counselor says that I’m allowed to not be 100% ‘over it’ even though mutual friends have told me I should be by now.  Well maybe if I’d been told the truth from the off I’d have been able to process it rather than getting it in installments from people when they’d get pissed at parties and decide to tell me how much they knew was going on.

 

I’m tired and I don’t want to be ill and in a bad mood.  I am going to watch cartoons.

I survived **sticker**

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you

 

 

So I cried at midnight on my landmark birthday… which, when you consider trying to explain why to someone from an Amazonian tribe just is the most ridiculous thing.

‘You see these numbers… they mean I am now a year older according to a timescale we invented and I am now a number that means I should have achieved a number of things that I haven’t.  This makes me sad’

 

I hid in my room.

 

After sleeping I woke up to open my cards to find out that 30 is obviously the age when you no longer qualify for a birthday card as a niece.  Courtesy of my birthday being on a Wednesday I also hadn’t seen the majority of my friends.

 

I spent the day trying to be civil but failing.  On the journey home I literally lost the power to speak.  I was tired and socialised out.

 

Friday was… shit.

 

I cancelled the Drs appointment which was basically for him to check that I was still alive.  I had about 8 things to juggle (including going away for the weekend) and couldn’t be bothered with it.

 

As a penance I decided to go through my phone assessment for my ‘self-referral’ for CBT.  This is a month after my original ‘incident’.  The phone assessment was the same thing that I have now grown used to… namely me being asked my a stranger to describe my risk of suicide, how I was planning on doing it etc etc etc.  I was then told that I qualified for CBT and I would be contacted in a month for my first session.

 

So this is the situation… to get CBT I will be approximately about 2 months away from me actually putting my head over the parapet to ask for help.  In order to get the help I have probably spoken to at least four strangers, in detail, about wanting to die, not coping and how I would exit this world.  The only thing I have actually been offered by the NHS straight away was diazepan.  I was not told that this is valium.  I have not accepted their offer.

 

With all of this and still feeling the absolute hurt of the hell of Chester Bennington killing himself (I can’t even look at pictures of him, it’s like my heart has been ripped out) I made a new record of bursting into tears as soon as I got into my counselor’s office.  I don’t think I even made it to the sofa.

 

I said I was trying to find a new job, trying to do the best that I can but it’s a constant fight.  I feel like half of me is trying to keep motivated and keep pushing at me while the rest of me just wants to lie on the floor.  Part of me wants to stay on that floor.  It wants to say ‘I can’t fucking do this anymore, you pick up this mess now’  I know it’s stupid and it’s immature and it’s not productive.  Burning up the life I’ve tried to build just to get back at my parents but it’s so fucking tempting.

 

During my unhappy and discontent childhood my mom leant on me heavily as a result of my dad driving away most people she knew with his mental health issues.  She told me a lot of her problems that I shouldn’t have known ranging from money troubles to the fact she wanted to throw in her job.  I know the theory and the fact that this was because she literally had no one else… the issue is that it’s all reminding me of how I used to feel.  Like she was leaching the strength out of my body.

 

My counselor suggested I went back to the Drs and took the drugs.

 

Instead I went camping for the weekend, drank a shitload of rum… kissed a guy I didn’t know and ended up doing a thing (not with him) that I feel like I’m going to regret in the future.

 

Drunken Grin is the herald of chaos.  Definitely a maenad.

 

Looking down the barrel of a week at work and all I want to do is hide in someone’s arms.  I just want to bury my face into a chest that is rock solid, breathe in that guy scent, feel some strong arms round me and then grabbing my wrists.  That is what I want.  That is what feels like is best in life at the moment.