That’s literally the level of stress I feel at the moment. It feels like I’m continually charged with static electricity.
I’m supposed to start my new job next week but I’m waiting on the references from my previous jobs that were asked for… before Xmas. I’ve got one down (I think) but as per usual the big corporation I worked for has apparently passed the request through 2 departments already and the job before the one that blew up is also making me wait.
There is nothing I can do about this. I don’t want to alienate my previous bosses given… I will still need references. The most frustrating thing being is that none of this is my fucking fault and yet here I am. One of my bills bounced last week and all my Xmas bills have hit my account. My savings account is doing its best to keep me afloat without any sign of being topped up any time soon…
It’s vomiting up my organs or ripping my face off while doing a death screech.
If you haven’t guessed I don’t deal well with situations where I can’t do anything about what is going on.
Until I get both references my new job is delayed. I can’t contact the unemployment people until I know when my definite start date is.
**vomit vomit screech screech**
In other news I was told by my new boyfriend that I’m being too smothering and I need to ‘pour this affection somewhere else’ because I’m telling him that I love him too often. I had a think about it and read a few articles etc… I don’t tell him in order to hear it back (I mean this genuinely), I tell him because otherwise it just wells up and sits in my brain uncomfortably… I think I do it because I have no love for myself at all, especially at the moment. I’m trying to go back to healthy eating and not drinking so much diet coke anymore to help this but… ugh… I know I don’t love myself in the slightest.
I guess the easy solution would be to get a dog or something but if I do EVER FEEL LIKE I’VE ACTUALLY GOT A FUCKING JOB it’s going to be bedtime tag team given I’ll be leaving at 8am and coming back for 6pm and he’ll be coming back for 8am and waking up at 6pm… Limited psycho exposure.
I opened up to my friends via a non-vaguebook post about things and a lot of people sent me private messages to tell me about their struggles with depression, including one of my friends I had no clue about who is currently where I was in about June… The joke of it being while my Dr was willing to throw medication at me from the start, hers wouldn’t.. even though she has kids. Which I’m pretty sure isn’t what they’re supposed to do as I got asked (by the 1400 departments I had to talk to about me feeling suicidal) whether I had kids or not.
In my continued ramblings… I think the thing about being over 30 and child free is starting to kick in a bit. Not in me wanting them just… when I was with my ex I think because we’d been together for so long I’d kind of just expected it to happen at some point. It would have been awful and that kid wouldn’t have stood a chance… so I’m glad it didn’t… but I think I’d subconsciously made certain decisions with the expectation that it might. Or that it was best to plan that way just in case…
Now I’m with someone who has kids already kind of… predone… I just don’t know what to do with them. I mean I can interact with kids fine but I want to help him with them and I feel like there’s this imaginary line between me and them. They don’t really know me at all yet, let alone that I’m the evil (sort of) step-mother and they’re too young to get it at the moment… So when he leaves me with them (with his family around and about) I and they start crying… I just feel useless.
One of my friends that I was really close to has kind of continually had children/been knocked up for the past 6 years now and I just get treated like I don’t exist because I don’t have kids. I get treated like because I don’t have kids the only time I’d ever see her is a bar or something so she couldn’t possibly meet up with me. NYE was the first time I’d spoken to her properly in about a year…..
I’m kind of looking forward to this year but I can’t see past where I am now and this static discharge feeling and wanting to throw up. If future me could tell me that everything is going to be okay that would be ace… but she still hasn’t cracked timetravel out yet.