Maybe I’m not as good as I thought

So I haz job now.  Only because I started late it wasn’t worth them paying me for two days… and their payday is the middle of the month… so it feels less like a job and more like volunteer work at the moment.


On the plus side, the job is 10mins from my house in my car and I literally go to one office and stay there rather than having to do dumb shit like drive 2 hrs away from my house at 6pm for two late appointments and then get stuck in traffic.


My previous ‘job’ that made me redundant after a month are still not officially in administration so I have 0 monies from them and my job seekers obviously stopped when I got a job.  My poor, abused and used savings account.. I’m so sorry…


I keep fucking up at work… which I guess given I’ve been there 3 official weeks is okay but not to my perfectionist mind.  I’m used to having training when I start a new job but this was pretty much ‘here sit at the front desk and I, your manager, will sit next to you occasionally but mainly hover in the background while doing my own stuff’.  It’s been a learning curve.


In any event, I was sat at my desk just having been shouted at by a man because he owes rent arrears (which he does) and had a letter telling me this.  I didn’t feel bothered by it, I just couldn’t help him directly… and then my manager tells me that it’s okay to feel rattled and I can take a break if I want.  And I start off thinking ‘woman please I’ve dealt with far worse than this, I don’t care…’ and then I felt the tension in my body and my face and I realised that she was right.
It’s like I’m so out of touch with my feelings and it’s no wonder how I ended up like this.  I had no clue that the call had wound me up that badly until she’d said it… so then not only was I sat there trying to get my head around it but I’d also felt like I’d been walking around without my game face on…  No one, in any job I’ve ever worked in, has ever really asked how I was or if I was okay unless I actually started crying… which is probably about 3 times maybe.  So then I felt like I’ve lost something in that I’m wondering whether this lady is just very perceptive or if me dealing with all my shit has meant I’ve lost my ability to hide.
Which I don’t like…. but I’m sure is something positive in the long run.


Thankfully things are going well with the guy I am ‘seeing’ but I cannot for the life of me comprehend why he would waste his time on me or think I’m beautiful at all.  He reminded me of the dreaded Corporate Gift Giving Day on the horizon and I’d completely forgotten about it..  I think part of it is because I’ve got so used to descending into the bunker of solitude during that day and part of it is because I’ve got someone who seems to genuinely love me… so I don’t really need a big bear..


So roll on pay day and bring on the apathy about having a job and the taking forgranted of being in a relationship so I can be vaguely human again kthnx


I want to vomit up all my organs

That’s literally the level of stress I feel at the moment.  It feels like I’m continually charged with static electricity.


I’m supposed to start my new job next week but I’m waiting on the references from my previous jobs that were asked for… before Xmas.  I’ve got one down (I think) but as per usual the big corporation I worked for has apparently passed the request through 2 departments already and the job before the one that blew up is also making me wait.


There is nothing I can do about this.  I don’t want to alienate my previous bosses given… I will still need references.  The most frustrating thing being is that none of this is my fucking fault and yet here I am.  One of my bills bounced last week and all my Xmas bills have hit my account.  My savings account is doing its best to keep me afloat without any sign of being topped up any time soon…


It’s vomiting up my organs or ripping my face off while doing a death screech.
If you haven’t guessed I don’t deal well with situations where I can’t do anything about what is going on.
Until I get both references my new job is delayed.  I can’t contact the unemployment people until I know when my definite start date is.


**vomit vomit screech screech**


In other news I was told by my new boyfriend that I’m being too smothering and I need to ‘pour this affection somewhere else’ because I’m telling him that I love him too often.  I had a think about it and read a few articles etc…  I don’t tell him in order to hear it back (I mean this genuinely), I tell him because otherwise it just wells up and sits in my brain uncomfortably…  I think I do it because I have no love for myself at all, especially at the moment.  I’m trying to go back to healthy eating and not drinking so much diet coke anymore to help this but… ugh…  I know I don’t love myself in the slightest.



I guess the easy solution would be to get a dog or something but if I do EVER FEEL LIKE I’VE ACTUALLY GOT A FUCKING JOB it’s going to be bedtime tag team given I’ll be leaving at 8am and coming back for 6pm and he’ll be coming back for 8am and waking up at 6pm…  Limited psycho exposure.


I opened up to my friends via a non-vaguebook post about things and a lot of people sent me private messages to tell me about their struggles with depression, including one of my friends I had no clue about who is currently where I was in about June…  The joke of it being while my Dr was willing to throw medication at me from the start, hers wouldn’t.. even though she has kids.  Which I’m pretty sure isn’t what they’re supposed to do as I got asked (by the 1400 departments I had to talk to about me feeling suicidal) whether I had kids or not.


In my continued ramblings…  I think the thing about being over 30 and child free is starting to kick in a bit.  Not in me wanting them just…  when I was with my ex I think because we’d been together for so long I’d kind of just expected it to happen at some point.  It would have been awful and that kid wouldn’t have stood a chance… so I’m glad it didn’t… but I think I’d subconsciously made certain decisions with the expectation that it might.  Or that it was best to plan that way just in case…


Now I’m with someone who has kids already kind of… predone…  I just don’t know what to do with them.  I mean I can interact with kids fine but I want to help him with them and I feel like there’s this imaginary line between me and them.  They don’t really know me at all yet, let alone that I’m the evil (sort of) step-mother and they’re too young to get it at the moment…  So when he leaves me with them (with his family around and about) I and they start crying… I just feel useless.


One of my friends that I was really close to has kind of continually had children/been knocked up for the past 6 years now and I just get treated like I don’t exist because I don’t have kids.  I get treated like because I don’t have kids the only time I’d ever see her is a bar or something so she couldn’t possibly meet up with me.  NYE was the first time I’d spoken to her properly in about a year…..


I’m kind of looking forward to this year but I can’t see past where I am now and this static discharge feeling and wanting to throw up.  If future me could tell me that everything is going to be okay that would be ace… but she still hasn’t cracked timetravel out yet.



Festive thoughts

So all over Xmas eve and Xmas day I felt like I was getting punched in the face by emotions.


I am in no way Christian but I ended up at church and found myself welling up at every single thing.  I went to my family gathering and got overwhelmed by the people and by my aunt saying to me in a very meaningful way ‘look after yourself’ when I said goodbye.  We watched Zootropolis (of all things) and I got teared up.


I finally got to bed and got to be (relatively) alone with my thoughts that night and I started crying because I finally had the space enough to realise why.  It’s because in the back of my mind the entire time my brain was sending the hidden message of ‘you nearly weren’t here’.


I wouldn’t have spent Xmas with my boyfriend because I wouldn’t have met him.  I wouldn’t have spent Xmas day with my dorky and amazingly weird family (who I love) because I’d be dead.  I can’t imagine my mom would have spent it with them either… or I would have been the literal ghost at the feast.


So I cried and I woke him up even though I was trying not to.  And this foolish man told me how much he loved me, how much he wanted to stay with me.  More crying followed.


This year has been a bitch.  But I got him.


I got this man that can’t understand why telling me all these lovely things makes me cry and I realised it’s because I went from spending 7 years with someone who didn’t want to commit to anything (least of all me), to someone who wears their heart on their sleeve.  I was worried he was just in it for an easy ride so then the fates stripped things away and made my life harder… and he was still there.


I have a constant fear that my stability and the things that make me happy will go away, courtesy of my childhood…  I can’t help from feeling that and it isn’t something that I can easily fix.  All I can do is hope that I’m wrong about him and hope for the best when it comes to this new job.



Skipping stones


My head is full of anxiety gnats.  It’s the only way I can think to describe it. Since about 1pm today I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of foreboding and anxiety.


Some of it won’t be helped by the fact that it’s been snowing and I’ve had my mom flapping at me over the phone about coming to visit me before Xmas.  I don’t know whether I really want her here or not, just that I know she wanted to come here.


My friend who is seemingly now not really my friend anymore now I’ve lost my patience was on about me seeing her tonight but then never responded to my text when I asked her if she was awake still…  So I think I’ve been psyching myself up for a debate that didn’t end up happening.  I don’t deal well with confrontation and even though it wasn’t really going to be a confrontation as such it was still going to be… something.  I get that when people have kids that their priorities shift etc etc.  But please don’t go round vaguebooking that you don’t have any friends.  Maybe it’s because you don’t speak to the ones you have on their best days, let alone when they’re possibly going to start drowning in depression again.
It’s been trying to come back.  I went to counselling last week thinking I was okay and then it turned out after crying hysterically that I definitely wasn’t.  I felt a bit better for getting it out but I still feel so tired.  I slept for well over 10 hours last night and could have kept going but I’m not really doing anything.


Stresses I have at the moment:

1 – Remaining interview

2 – Awaiting to hear from previous interviews and most probably accepting rejections

3 – When the fuck am I going to get a job?

4 – When the fuck am I going to get the money owed to me by my previous job?

5 – When are they going to ask for their laptop and phone back given they’re still sat in my house making me feel worse every time I look at them?

6 – Xmas

7 – Money


On the other hand I know my dad’s alive so that’s something.  I don’t know what caused the radio silence after his birthday but at least I know I’m not going to get a phonecall from someone for a while yet.  I daren’t tell him that I’ve been made redundant or he’ll probably try and come to see me ¬_¬  As far as he knows I’m still with my ex as well.


On that front…  While this is the guy who will tell me he loves me and I’m beautiful… I still find myself stepping around him with emotional caution.  I still keep waiting for him to go or for him to change his mind.  I keep waiting for him to unveil himself as a true horrible bastard.
I think a lot of my depression and my anxiety issues are linking into not feeling like I can trust my judgement.  I feel like I fucked up when it came to my ex, the job choice that led me to not having a job anymore…  I just feel like I’m a contestant on Takeshi’s castle where they’re running across the stepping stones to try to get to the other side but I keep stepping on the ones that aren’t real and I eventually tumble into the water and hit my head on a concrete one.


Christmas is just leaving me so fucking cold at the moment.  Boyfriend pretty much made me put my decorations up and I lost energy half way through the tree.  Then all I could think about was 2014 when I was putting my tree up, merrily getting on with xmas and all the while my ex was cheating on me.  I feel this real hatred about my ignorance.


Ugggggh.  Just please gods, get me through this interview and please give me a job.  If this man is good please don’t let me fuck up things with him because my brain is such a scrambled mess.

What’s the date again?

So I’m now 3 weeks going on 4 weeks into redundancy and my savings have taken the first hit on a salary free month.  Given Xmas is next month I’m not feeling incredibly optimistic.


My appetite is lurching between 0 and 1000 and not helping matters any.


I keep getting ‘job blindness’ where I find that I’m applying for all sorts of shitty things that, when examined under the cold light of day, are unsuitable or don’t pay enough.  But then I find myself torn between ‘well you want to eat don’t you?!’ and ‘I don’t want to work till 8pm’.


It’s been rubbing my boyfriend up the wrong way as he’s always worked jobs with unsociable hours and they’ve always been hard jobs and then there’s me whining about one where you finish at 8 and have to work some weekends.  I know I’ve been lucky but then I’ve put the work in to get my career to that place.


I’ve gone back begging to my old old job that was in a very corporate environment but when I look back through rose tinted glasses seems like an amazing opportunity that I wasted… but then I remember coming home for days in tears and being so angry at one incident that I got up from my desk and left.


People keep telling me that I need to ‘enjoy this break’ and ‘find out what I want to do’.


Yeah great.  That will pay the bills I’m sure.


I have massive complexes when it comes to money… to the point I’d be standing in a queue to buy a £5 DVD going hot and cold and feeling my stomach churn.  I got better but now I’m afraid it’s going to start coming back.  Weirdly… it has but not when it comes to buying presents for Xmas…


I’ve still hardly told anyone.  Some of it is still my confusion over whether I can without being sued but the majority of it is this overriding sense of shame that makes it difficult.  I feel like I risked too much making my first career leap but when I look back I could see everyone was pushing me in that direction and I wanted to try and break out of that shitty situation and my comfort zone.  I left my job at the old place but at the same time it’s being pointed out to me that if I’d just put up and shut up for a bit longer then my last company would have gone bump while I was happily sat still getting employed on a decent wage for doing fuck all.


I feel like shit.  I feel like a massive leech.  I do genuinely feel like dole scum.


I’m trying to get out every day and trying to walk everywhere again to try and get my fitness back up but my main urge is to hide under the duvet.


The whole time I’m here I’m just imagining a universe where this is happened and I’m still single.  I genuinely think that would have been it.. but then what kind of pressure is that on a relationship?  I just imagine the situation with how I’d been feeling and then having my job ripped away… yeah I’d be severely hammering the quit button.  It’s difficult though as I saw a video of a man who survived crashing at 110mph so even if I’d tried that route it might not have worked.


My head feels like it’s about to explode.


I’m torn between one argument where I feel I should just accept any job and be grateful and the other half of me that says that there’s no point jumping to something for the sake of it if means that I’m miserable.

Being made redundant is like being dumped

So I guess when someone disappears for a bit the thoughts go to whether they’re dead or fixed.  I’m not either.


I left my job for another job.  Then life kicked me in the face because I was happy and I got made redundant (the company folded… it had been going 20 years until I joined it, go figure).


So now one one hand I have this relationship where I’m really happy and then on the other side I’m not trying desperately not to slide into a hole because I don’t have a job.  I think I must have achieved a world record in getting rejected for a job less than an hour after filling in the application form.


I never realised how important working was to me and how much of a part of my identity it was.  I never realised how important it was to me to be earning more than people I knew.  Suddenly these things get taken away and I just want to hide in a cupboard.  I feel a sense of shame about not having a job even though it’s nothing to do with me or my fault.
Brain: You should have stayed at job 1 and seen if you’d got the promotion.  You could have been working closer to home this whole time and had more money

Logic: If I’d done that I’d probably have killed myself already and the extra money wouldn’t have done much good

Brain: You should have just stuck it out at job 2 and kept taking the money and doing fuck all

Logic: That was what was adding to my depression


I am lucky in that I am in a more fortunate situation with bills etc than most other people I know who would be royally fucked.  This doesn’t stop the gremlins in my head though from making me feel like utter shit because I feel bad and depressed.


I am looking for work, I’m applying and I want another job.. but I feel like I’ve been taking so many backwards steps with my ‘career’.  People keep telling me to train to do something else but I went to Uni and came out of it with debt and no idea what to do… I don’t want to repeat that again.


My boyfriend is sticking by me even though I keep crying all the time.  Sometimes over him, sometimes over the sink because he tells me he’s going to reorganise my house and help me live off my budget and cook.  He doesn’t understand why I get upset about him telling me he isn’t going anywhere.  He doesn’t understand that I haven’t ever had that before.


I find myself constantly stopping myself from being ‘too clingy’ or ‘too emotional’ etc when the base meaning of all of this is ‘giving him excuses to run away’.


I love him so much that I’m terrified now.  I’m terrified that he’ll go and I’ll have pinned my reasons to keep on living on one person.  I was trying to imagine what I would have done if this had happened to me in July… and I think the answer is that I wouldn’t be say imagining anything at all in November.  I’d be dead.


I’ve gone back to counselling because of being so fucked up in the head.  I sat and stared at the phone for 10 mins before I rang her.  It feels like defeat.  My depression guru friend pointed out that this is incredibly flawed logic and yet here I am with it…


I just want to hide from everyone.  I want to assimilate with my duvet and/or my mattress and just stop existing.


I feel so fucking tired even though I’m just applying for jobs on a computer.  I feel like it’s draining my life force energy like the dark crystal and all I want to do is hug my boyfriend but then I just feel like a leech.


Gods help me.

Tears and fatigue

So I came home from training for my new job today and immediately burst into tears on seeing the living room.  Why?  My boyfriend had cleaned up after himself.


But he had done too good a job and had managed to make it look like he was never coming back somehow.  At least this is how my brain processed the information.


It took me five minutes of investigating the house to check there were still things of his scattered about to make me calm down a bit.


Just  a tad pathetic right?  Like my brain is just actively sat there, waiting with glee for the moment it can be proved right and I find out he’s gone.


Reasons my brain decides that he’s telling me he thinks I’m beautiful:

  1. He’s trying to convince himself – makes it easier to leech of someone if you try to make sure you can try and be attracted to them (He doesn’t leech off me at all, see pt 2)
  2. He’s trying to make me believe that he loves me so that he can leech off me and steal my resources – he isn’t, he’d rather die than do this however my brain will not accept this
  3. He’s saying what he thinks I want/need to hear


Note how none of these reasons are anything to do with the fact that he might actually find me attractive because I cannot believe this to be true on any level at all.


It feels like everyone I know is pregnant at the moment and while I have absolutely no desire to have kids…  I think it’s upsetting me because my new guy is a Dad.  His kids live with his ex and it just feels like there’s this whole view of the world that I’ll never get.. like a secret club that I can’t gain entry to (I DO NOT WANT TO trust me.  As soon as my implant expires another one is going straight in)…  I think some of it as well just makes me feel like I’ve missed out on something that I wasn’t sure I didn’t want for a while.


Trust me, my ex would have been a terrible father and I definitely would have had a more serious break down.  The idea of having to single parent and drop said imaginary child off at his and the bitchstick-piratehooker-‘s place is not at all appealing.  But it was the only time I’d ever actually toyed with having a kid because we’d been together so long.  I’d kind of imagined what our kid would look like (it was always a boy in my head), I’d imagined some names… how happy my ex’s Dad would have been.  It was at a level where, when we split up, I’d been so convinced that I was going to have this kid that it almost felt like the kid had evaporated along with the supposed relationship.


So instead I just solidified my opinion that I didn’t want kids.  Then at my training this week I suddenly, truly, realised that if I’m serious about this current guy then I’m going to end up being some form of step-parent and it felt really weird…


It’s not that I hate kids.  I get on well enough with everyone else’s…  I just always felt like you shouldn’t have kids unless you have an absolute burning desire for them otherwise you’ll wake up in the morning at 4am covered in their shit and vomit and wanting to die even more than usual.


I’ve been ill now for about a month with the same virus and I’m currently training for my new job.  It’s strange how not having to drive for two hours every day has made such a difference to me already.  I’m still suspicious about the idea of it working out given what happened last time.


I managed to get myself into a state regarding my last pay cheque but thankfully it worked out alright.  I felt marginally proud of myself for not needing counselling to get through it.


I could just really do without my current crazy dreams and constant fatigue.  Falling asleep during class is not flattering.