So I haz job now. Only because I started late it wasn’t worth them paying me for two days… and their payday is the middle of the month… so it feels less like a job and more like volunteer work at the moment.
On the plus side, the job is 10mins from my house in my car and I literally go to one office and stay there rather than having to do dumb shit like drive 2 hrs away from my house at 6pm for two late appointments and then get stuck in traffic.
My previous ‘job’ that made me redundant after a month are still not officially in administration so I have 0 monies from them and my job seekers obviously stopped when I got a job. My poor, abused and used savings account.. I’m so sorry…
I keep fucking up at work… which I guess given I’ve been there 3 official weeks is okay but not to my perfectionist mind. I’m used to having training when I start a new job but this was pretty much ‘here sit at the front desk and I, your manager, will sit next to you occasionally but mainly hover in the background while doing my own stuff’. It’s been a learning curve.
In any event, I was sat at my desk just having been shouted at by a man because he owes rent arrears (which he does) and had a letter telling me this. I didn’t feel bothered by it, I just couldn’t help him directly… and then my manager tells me that it’s okay to feel rattled and I can take a break if I want. And I start off thinking ‘woman please I’ve dealt with far worse than this, I don’t care…’ and then I felt the tension in my body and my face and I realised that she was right.
It’s like I’m so out of touch with my feelings and it’s no wonder how I ended up like this. I had no clue that the call had wound me up that badly until she’d said it… so then not only was I sat there trying to get my head around it but I’d also felt like I’d been walking around without my game face on… No one, in any job I’ve ever worked in, has ever really asked how I was or if I was okay unless I actually started crying… which is probably about 3 times maybe. So then I felt like I’ve lost something in that I’m wondering whether this lady is just very perceptive or if me dealing with all my shit has meant I’ve lost my ability to hide.
Which I don’t like…. but I’m sure is something positive in the long run.
Thankfully things are going well with the guy I am ‘seeing’ but I cannot for the life of me comprehend why he would waste his time on me or think I’m beautiful at all. He reminded me of the dreaded Corporate Gift Giving Day on the horizon and I’d completely forgotten about it.. I think part of it is because I’ve got so used to descending into the bunker of solitude during that day and part of it is because I’ve got someone who seems to genuinely love me… so I don’t really need a big bear..
So roll on pay day and bring on the apathy about having a job and the taking forgranted of being in a relationship so I can be vaguely human again kthnx