I want to vomit up all my organs

That’s literally the level of stress I feel at the moment.  It feels like I’m continually charged with static electricity.

 

I’m supposed to start my new job next week but I’m waiting on the references from my previous jobs that were asked for… before Xmas.  I’ve got one down (I think) but as per usual the big corporation I worked for has apparently passed the request through 2 departments already and the job before the one that blew up is also making me wait.

 

There is nothing I can do about this.  I don’t want to alienate my previous bosses given… I will still need references.  The most frustrating thing being is that none of this is my fucking fault and yet here I am.  One of my bills bounced last week and all my Xmas bills have hit my account.  My savings account is doing its best to keep me afloat without any sign of being topped up any time soon…

 

It’s vomiting up my organs or ripping my face off while doing a death screech.
If you haven’t guessed I don’t deal well with situations where I can’t do anything about what is going on.
Until I get both references my new job is delayed.  I can’t contact the unemployment people until I know when my definite start date is.

 

**vomit vomit screech screech**

 

In other news I was told by my new boyfriend that I’m being too smothering and I need to ‘pour this affection somewhere else’ because I’m telling him that I love him too often.  I had a think about it and read a few articles etc…  I don’t tell him in order to hear it back (I mean this genuinely), I tell him because otherwise it just wells up and sits in my brain uncomfortably…  I think I do it because I have no love for myself at all, especially at the moment.  I’m trying to go back to healthy eating and not drinking so much diet coke anymore to help this but… ugh…  I know I don’t love myself in the slightest.

 

 

I guess the easy solution would be to get a dog or something but if I do EVER FEEL LIKE I’VE ACTUALLY GOT A FUCKING JOB it’s going to be bedtime tag team given I’ll be leaving at 8am and coming back for 6pm and he’ll be coming back for 8am and waking up at 6pm…  Limited psycho exposure.

 

I opened up to my friends via a non-vaguebook post about things and a lot of people sent me private messages to tell me about their struggles with depression, including one of my friends I had no clue about who is currently where I was in about June…  The joke of it being while my Dr was willing to throw medication at me from the start, hers wouldn’t.. even though she has kids.  Which I’m pretty sure isn’t what they’re supposed to do as I got asked (by the 1400 departments I had to talk to about me feeling suicidal) whether I had kids or not.

 

In my continued ramblings…  I think the thing about being over 30 and child free is starting to kick in a bit.  Not in me wanting them just…  when I was with my ex I think because we’d been together for so long I’d kind of just expected it to happen at some point.  It would have been awful and that kid wouldn’t have stood a chance… so I’m glad it didn’t… but I think I’d subconsciously made certain decisions with the expectation that it might.  Or that it was best to plan that way just in case…

 

Now I’m with someone who has kids already kind of… predone…  I just don’t know what to do with them.  I mean I can interact with kids fine but I want to help him with them and I feel like there’s this imaginary line between me and them.  They don’t really know me at all yet, let alone that I’m the evil (sort of) step-mother and they’re too young to get it at the moment…  So when he leaves me with them (with his family around and about) I and they start crying… I just feel useless.

 

One of my friends that I was really close to has kind of continually had children/been knocked up for the past 6 years now and I just get treated like I don’t exist because I don’t have kids.  I get treated like because I don’t have kids the only time I’d ever see her is a bar or something so she couldn’t possibly meet up with me.  NYE was the first time I’d spoken to her properly in about a year…..

 

I’m kind of looking forward to this year but I can’t see past where I am now and this static discharge feeling and wanting to throw up.  If future me could tell me that everything is going to be okay that would be ace… but she still hasn’t cracked timetravel out yet.

 

Fuck

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Babble babble bitch bitch

My inner voice is utterly battering the shit out of me today.
I had a pre-xmas counselling session booked in case all of my job interviews turned up with nothing but thankfully I’ve had two offers and I’m taking one forward.  As a result I cancelled the appointment I was supposed to have had…

 

I’ve been in tears today just battling from one thing to another.  Even during my mandatory ‘going outside and mingling with people’ shift where I went to the shops.

 

Things definitely seem to be focusing on me not trusting my judgement anymore.  I guess it’s understandable… first I decide to bury my head in the sand rather than realising what a cock my ex was and then secondly I decide to jump to a new job which explodes on impact…

 

My ‘financial issues’ button is really getting hammered as well thanks to unexpected Xmas present buying and then the money from being made redundant not turning up because my ex-employer seems to be managed by morons.

 

Someone I used to work with told me off for not coming to him to say what had happened and I had to explain that it was a mixture of battered pride and anxiety (along with a load of legal things) that meant I hadn’t.  He said they would have sorted me out jobwise which then made the flag go up about the fact my new potential job would be a definite pay drop from what I’ve been on.  But at the same time it’s close to where I live and it doesn’t involve selling anything.  It’s also not working for some giant soulless corporation (though part of me did revel in the horrible sadism of working for the Empire).

 

Over the past few days my fatigue has really, really, really kicked in.  I’m getting tired at 9 and wanting to go to bed but then caffeinating myself to try and stay up longer… which of course is super healthy.

 

I’m trying to enjoy my ‘time off’ now I have a potential job sorted and it’s not working.  I don’t have the usual distraction of my boyfriend around as he’s dealing with seasonal family stuff.  Meanwhile my job offer are scrabbling round trying to get references when everyone who classes themselves as managerial tends to be off from now until the new year.

 

So I’m plowing hours into videogames instead where I can feel like I’m achieving something.

 

Is vomiting up my organs a positive life choice?  It’s what I feel like doing.

Skipping stones

 

My head is full of anxiety gnats.  It’s the only way I can think to describe it. Since about 1pm today I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of foreboding and anxiety.

 

Some of it won’t be helped by the fact that it’s been snowing and I’ve had my mom flapping at me over the phone about coming to visit me before Xmas.  I don’t know whether I really want her here or not, just that I know she wanted to come here.

 

My friend who is seemingly now not really my friend anymore now I’ve lost my patience was on about me seeing her tonight but then never responded to my text when I asked her if she was awake still…  So I think I’ve been psyching myself up for a debate that didn’t end up happening.  I don’t deal well with confrontation and even though it wasn’t really going to be a confrontation as such it was still going to be… something.  I get that when people have kids that their priorities shift etc etc.  But please don’t go round vaguebooking that you don’t have any friends.  Maybe it’s because you don’t speak to the ones you have on their best days, let alone when they’re possibly going to start drowning in depression again.
It’s been trying to come back.  I went to counselling last week thinking I was okay and then it turned out after crying hysterically that I definitely wasn’t.  I felt a bit better for getting it out but I still feel so tired.  I slept for well over 10 hours last night and could have kept going but I’m not really doing anything.

 

Stresses I have at the moment:

1 – Remaining interview

2 – Awaiting to hear from previous interviews and most probably accepting rejections

3 – When the fuck am I going to get a job?

4 – When the fuck am I going to get the money owed to me by my previous job?

5 – When are they going to ask for their laptop and phone back given they’re still sat in my house making me feel worse every time I look at them?

6 – Xmas

7 – Money

 

On the other hand I know my dad’s alive so that’s something.  I don’t know what caused the radio silence after his birthday but at least I know I’m not going to get a phonecall from someone for a while yet.  I daren’t tell him that I’ve been made redundant or he’ll probably try and come to see me ¬_¬  As far as he knows I’m still with my ex as well.

 

On that front…  While this is the guy who will tell me he loves me and I’m beautiful… I still find myself stepping around him with emotional caution.  I still keep waiting for him to go or for him to change his mind.  I keep waiting for him to unveil himself as a true horrible bastard.
I think a lot of my depression and my anxiety issues are linking into not feeling like I can trust my judgement.  I feel like I fucked up when it came to my ex, the job choice that led me to not having a job anymore…  I just feel like I’m a contestant on Takeshi’s castle where they’re running across the stepping stones to try to get to the other side but I keep stepping on the ones that aren’t real and I eventually tumble into the water and hit my head on a concrete one.

 

Christmas is just leaving me so fucking cold at the moment.  Boyfriend pretty much made me put my decorations up and I lost energy half way through the tree.  Then all I could think about was 2014 when I was putting my tree up, merrily getting on with xmas and all the while my ex was cheating on me.  I feel this real hatred about my ignorance.

 

Ugggggh.  Just please gods, get me through this interview and please give me a job.  If this man is good please don’t let me fuck up things with him because my brain is such a scrambled mess.

What’s the date again?

So I’m now 3 weeks going on 4 weeks into redundancy and my savings have taken the first hit on a salary free month.  Given Xmas is next month I’m not feeling incredibly optimistic.

 

My appetite is lurching between 0 and 1000 and not helping matters any.

 

I keep getting ‘job blindness’ where I find that I’m applying for all sorts of shitty things that, when examined under the cold light of day, are unsuitable or don’t pay enough.  But then I find myself torn between ‘well you want to eat don’t you?!’ and ‘I don’t want to work till 8pm’.

 

It’s been rubbing my boyfriend up the wrong way as he’s always worked jobs with unsociable hours and they’ve always been hard jobs and then there’s me whining about one where you finish at 8 and have to work some weekends.  I know I’ve been lucky but then I’ve put the work in to get my career to that place.

 

I’ve gone back begging to my old old job that was in a very corporate environment but when I look back through rose tinted glasses seems like an amazing opportunity that I wasted… but then I remember coming home for days in tears and being so angry at one incident that I got up from my desk and left.

 

People keep telling me that I need to ‘enjoy this break’ and ‘find out what I want to do’.

 

Yeah great.  That will pay the bills I’m sure.

 

I have massive complexes when it comes to money… to the point I’d be standing in a queue to buy a £5 DVD going hot and cold and feeling my stomach churn.  I got better but now I’m afraid it’s going to start coming back.  Weirdly… it has but not when it comes to buying presents for Xmas…

 

I’ve still hardly told anyone.  Some of it is still my confusion over whether I can without being sued but the majority of it is this overriding sense of shame that makes it difficult.  I feel like I risked too much making my first career leap but when I look back I could see everyone was pushing me in that direction and I wanted to try and break out of that shitty situation and my comfort zone.  I left my job at the old place but at the same time it’s being pointed out to me that if I’d just put up and shut up for a bit longer then my last company would have gone bump while I was happily sat still getting employed on a decent wage for doing fuck all.

 

I feel like shit.  I feel like a massive leech.  I do genuinely feel like dole scum.

 

I’m trying to get out every day and trying to walk everywhere again to try and get my fitness back up but my main urge is to hide under the duvet.

 

The whole time I’m here I’m just imagining a universe where this is happened and I’m still single.  I genuinely think that would have been it.. but then what kind of pressure is that on a relationship?  I just imagine the situation with how I’d been feeling and then having my job ripped away… yeah I’d be severely hammering the quit button.  It’s difficult though as I saw a video of a man who survived crashing at 110mph so even if I’d tried that route it might not have worked.

 

My head feels like it’s about to explode.

 

I’m torn between one argument where I feel I should just accept any job and be grateful and the other half of me that says that there’s no point jumping to something for the sake of it if means that I’m miserable.

Always the same hating

I’d thought that being in a relationship would help me with my depression and while it has and while it has definitely helped cut down on the suicidal thoughts what has ramped up to replace them is self loathing.

 

It doesn’t help that we’ve both been comfort eating so my weight is piling on and I haven’t had the energy to go to the gym or do anything but comfort eat.  I’m trying to make a mental resolution to draw a line under it but it isn’t easy.  I’m trying to get my head straight so I can drop at least some of this weight before the end of the year but keep getting put off by the fact that I was telling myself this in January and I just got fatter.

 

He keeps telling me that I’m beautiful and that he loves me but I just can’t see why.  My brain constantly reminds me of the fact I probably look terrible while we’re having sex, that he can see my double chin really badly from the angle he’s sat at on the sofa… that if I was thinner I could wear all the nerdy shirts in my wardrobe that are currently neglected.

 

It’s weird because he says the same about himself, that he can’t understand how I can think he’s attractive…  Sometimes we are just too strangely similar.

 

I was thinking the other day about how when I composed my mental list of attributes that I wanted my other half to have that, while he does tick so many, there are a few that he doesn’t.  But then when I examined the ones he didn’t it was all stuff that I had an issue with myself about.  Like I couldn’t cope with someone who had the same flaws as me or that reminded me of bad things from the past.  And yet here I am.  In love with this goofy man.

 

I’m trying to support him at the moment and trying to keep on at work with me working out my notice but its hard.  I can feel myself sliding backwards again and I’m trying not to.  I’m trying to look super efficient at work and get things done but I’m terrified about my new impending job.  I’m trying to make more of an effort socially but it’s just draining me.  I’m trying to get back on the diet wagon but the idea of ‘depriving myself’ of crap foods makes me feel like life isn’t worth it.  I’m trying to see myself as he sees me but it just makes things worse.  The more he tells me how beautiful I am the more I feel ugly.

 

Which is just so fucking stupid and so ungrateful.

 

There are so many people going through crap at the moment and there’s nothing I can do to help them and so I feel sad and small.

 

Work is hell at the moment.  It’s like some sort of negativity vortex.. which is good at convincing me that going was exactly the right thing to do but also not good in that I still have to keep showing up and pretending to do things even though there isn’t a great deal I can do.  I’ve had three people crying in my office today about various terrible things that are going on…

 

My mom was talking about me retraining some time ago but I already have one worthless degree so what is the point in having another?

It’s funny… in that I still have the thing where I long for the annihilation of the planet and still think that the majority of human beings are just bags of meat.  When all this crap between America and Korea has gone off I haven’t been scared, it’s just made me feel more tired.  It just made me think ‘ugh but I bet that we’ll still survive and things will just be more effort and I’ll just get killed by supermutants trying to heat a can of beans’.  This is so selfish and inhuman and not right given that I know so many people I care for have kids etc etc…

 

But at the same time I love the idea of humanity getting wiped out.  The planet sorting itself out, destroying all the concrete….  What do we truly do to benefit anyone other than ourselves?

 

It’s not even a vindictive thought.  I’m not thinking about people suffering… just not existing anymore.  Which I guess is possibly more messed up.

 

I’m just so fucking tired and I’m sick of human beings and their self absorbed twattery bringing misery to themselves and others.

She’s got issues

So I handed in my notice at my current job today.  Turns out that despite thinking that the interview for the one I went for was awful I got the job…  So I had the option of one closer to home on slightly less money that would (hopefully) give me more activity or to stay in this one where the ceiling has fallen in last year, we’ve had the heating on every day I’ve worked here and I’m bored witless.

 

I think the combination of the commute and not meeting my targets has been significantly contributing to fucking me up.  There’s also the way that when I handed in my sick note to say I had depression my boss didn’t even look at it or open up any dialogue about what he could do to help or to make sure that I’m doing okay.

 

Despite these things I still didn’t sleep last night because of running over all the possible things that could go wrong with handing it in, changing to the new job and what would happen as a result of leaving here.  My brain is so scared of change it’s untrue ¬_¬

 

This is also going to be my second week of not having had any counselling and I do miss it but I think I’m going to have to make the most of it as I think I’m going to have to stop when I start my new job.  I’m still not sure where precisely they’re going to put me.
So I went in and told my shell shocked boss what I’d wanted to tell him since Monday and he just accepted it and then I left his office.  Someone I work with was shocked that he didn’t put up a fight (one of the scenarios that kept me from sleep last night).  I think the thing is that even if he’d said I could work from home 100% of the time I wouldn’t have been happy.  I don’t have enough to do and unfortunately I’m not the kind of person who can just sit and take their pay and actively not care about being bored.

 

If I was that kind of person I could have sat here with a puzzle book and waited to get sacked.

 

So it’s done and I have a month left here to try and sort out all the shit I’ve been dealing with before I go.  I’m not going to miss this horrible building, I’m not going to miss the commute or the town that I work in…

 

Relationship wise things are good… which makes my brain suspicious.  It makes my brain actively look for ways to sabotage things.  Key example being that last weekend we’d had a really good time and then I decided to drop in a mention of not taking me forgranted which ended up triggering him (I couldn’t have known) and making him feel discontent for the rest of the evening ¬_¬  I just don’t know what my brain would accept as proof that he isn’t going to go anywhere as apparently him saying that he loves me isn’t good enough.

 

It’s also weird going out with someone who is as broken as I am and worries as much as I did.  During the first week we went out it was shark week and he mentioned to me last weekend that surely I should have been on by now.  Unfortunately my good man my uterus does not dance to a regular beat and was 2 weeks late last month ¬_¬  It was just odd to have it mentioned as a worry from a guy…  Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining it’s just interesting.

 

He’s depressive as well, has had suicidal thoughts as well..  He has told me that I’m the only thing holding me together but I haven’t said the same to him as I don’t want to put that pressure on him.

 

I’m so so so so fucking tired at the moment it’s untrue.  Yesterday and today I was practically falling asleep in the car on the drive to work.  I don’t know if this is because I’m getting over an illness or the depression fighting back.  I also haven’t been bothered to take any vitamin pills.
My diet is the worst thing ever at the moment.  I can barely fit into anything and am faced with the prospect of this new job and not wanting to spend a load on new clothes.  If I knuckled down to it and started cleaning up my diet then I could probably drop half a stone but unfortunately I just feel like I’m eating and drinking crap to survive.  Case in point yesterday when I had two cans of energy drink just to stop myself from nodding off at my desk.

 

I hate myself so much, I don’t see how this guy can see anything nice in me at all.  The joke of it is that he says the same about himself to me.  I’m hoping we can muddle through all this crap together.

 

Love and fear

 

So I had a moment on the weekend when I was taking some water out of the fridge and in that moment I realised that I was actually content and happy, bordering on a slight urge to skip.  As soon as I came to this realisation a sledgehammer of fear and worry hit me.  The voice said to me ‘aaaah but you’ve been happy before and it never lasts’.  It sucked some of that joy away.

 

When I went to counselling we ‘unpacked’ why I’d felt fear on seeing my ex and the other cunt.  I saw him crossing the road literally a week or so later and didn’t run him over with my car and also didn’t feel that same icy fear.  She said that she thought it was some previous experience that triggered it rather than them themselves.  I think it’s to do with the nightmare that I’d had about them.

 

I ended up meeting the new man’s family which was also fear inducing.  The plan had been to hide from the world in my house all weekend so I was fully looking forward to being in introvert mode in a duvet fort… and then I get told that I’m invited to a family gathering and he wants me to go.  The day before it was due to happen.  Panic ensues.

 

I’m not good with surprise social gatherings… I have in fact lied in the past to get out of them because it means having to psych myself up and change my mindset.  Let alone one that’s one of these Milestone things…  But I went.  They were nice… but it’s all very strange.  I’m yet to know if I haven’t passed the test.

 

I keep finding myself swinging between love and fear constantly.  I hate that I don’t trust this man because I DO trust this man.  Hell, I love this man even though none of this makes any sense…  But then I keep waiting for him to go.  He says he isn’t going anywhere, he has shown me to his family… I know he’s talked about me to them as his dad commented about where I worked and my garden without me having mentioned it to them…  And yet my brain keeps throwing up images of him telling me that he’s going, that he’s decided this is all wrong.

 

I’m so terrified and it’s all my own brain that’s doing it.

 

I just keep remembering that intense, awful loneliness and the wanting to die and the feeling so awful and I’m so scared that I may have to go back to that.  I know that’s the risk with any relationship but… I don’t know.  I’m scared to tell people I’m seeing someone in case he suddenly disappears in a puff of smoke but we’ve been seeing each other for about 4 weeks now and it feels like 4 years…  Is this just oxytocin or is this a thing?

 

We talked about suicide and about how he’d been sucked into those feelings not too long ago.  It was odd hearing him talk about it and awful.  Just like the thoughts I’d had at the festival where I suddenly realised that I nearly wasn’t there… I was imagining that he had pulled it off and I’d never have met him.

 

I’m so scared of losing an actual form of happiness that I’m now scared that the fear is going to be the thing that does it.  We’re trying to be honest and that’s all I can do.  He knows that I love him and I know I will say it but I just… can’t.  Not at the moment.  I’m just so scared of being used again and of having all of my love and compassion thrown back in my face… that was to be honest about as much of a betrayal to me as the cheating itself…  that my ex accused me of treating him like a ‘pet’ and smothering him.

 

I’m so tried… all the fucking time.  I’m tired of fighting how I feel out of fear