So I came home from training for my new job today and immediately burst into tears on seeing the living room. Why? My boyfriend had cleaned up after himself.
But he had done too good a job and had managed to make it look like he was never coming back somehow. At least this is how my brain processed the information.
It took me five minutes of investigating the house to check there were still things of his scattered about to make me calm down a bit.
Just a tad pathetic right? Like my brain is just actively sat there, waiting with glee for the moment it can be proved right and I find out he’s gone.
Reasons my brain decides that he’s telling me he thinks I’m beautiful:
- He’s trying to convince himself – makes it easier to leech of someone if you try to make sure you can try and be attracted to them (He doesn’t leech off me at all, see pt 2)
- He’s trying to make me believe that he loves me so that he can leech off me and steal my resources – he isn’t, he’d rather die than do this however my brain will not accept this
- He’s saying what he thinks I want/need to hear
Note how none of these reasons are anything to do with the fact that he might actually find me attractive because I cannot believe this to be true on any level at all.
It feels like everyone I know is pregnant at the moment and while I have absolutely no desire to have kids… I think it’s upsetting me because my new guy is a Dad. His kids live with his ex and it just feels like there’s this whole view of the world that I’ll never get.. like a secret club that I can’t gain entry to (I DO NOT WANT TO trust me. As soon as my implant expires another one is going straight in)… I think some of it as well just makes me feel like I’ve missed out on something that I wasn’t sure I didn’t want for a while.
Trust me, my ex would have been a terrible father and I definitely would have had a more serious break down. The idea of having to single parent and drop said imaginary child off at his and the bitchstick-piratehooker-‘s place is not at all appealing. But it was the only time I’d ever actually toyed with having a kid because we’d been together so long. I’d kind of imagined what our kid would look like (it was always a boy in my head), I’d imagined some names… how happy my ex’s Dad would have been. It was at a level where, when we split up, I’d been so convinced that I was going to have this kid that it almost felt like the kid had evaporated along with the supposed relationship.
So instead I just solidified my opinion that I didn’t want kids. Then at my training this week I suddenly, truly, realised that if I’m serious about this current guy then I’m going to end up being some form of step-parent and it felt really weird…
It’s not that I hate kids. I get on well enough with everyone else’s… I just always felt like you shouldn’t have kids unless you have an absolute burning desire for them otherwise you’ll wake up in the morning at 4am covered in their shit and vomit and wanting to die even more than usual.
I’ve been ill now for about a month with the same virus and I’m currently training for my new job. It’s strange how not having to drive for two hours every day has made such a difference to me already. I’m still suspicious about the idea of it working out given what happened last time.
I managed to get myself into a state regarding my last pay cheque but thankfully it worked out alright. I felt marginally proud of myself for not needing counselling to get through it.
I could just really do without my current crazy dreams and constant fatigue. Falling asleep during class is not flattering.