Tears and fatigue

So I came home from training for my new job today and immediately burst into tears on seeing the living room.  Why?  My boyfriend had cleaned up after himself.

 

But he had done too good a job and had managed to make it look like he was never coming back somehow.  At least this is how my brain processed the information.

 

It took me five minutes of investigating the house to check there were still things of his scattered about to make me calm down a bit.

 

Just  a tad pathetic right?  Like my brain is just actively sat there, waiting with glee for the moment it can be proved right and I find out he’s gone.

 

Reasons my brain decides that he’s telling me he thinks I’m beautiful:

  1. He’s trying to convince himself – makes it easier to leech of someone if you try to make sure you can try and be attracted to them (He doesn’t leech off me at all, see pt 2)
  2. He’s trying to make me believe that he loves me so that he can leech off me and steal my resources – he isn’t, he’d rather die than do this however my brain will not accept this
  3. He’s saying what he thinks I want/need to hear

 

Note how none of these reasons are anything to do with the fact that he might actually find me attractive because I cannot believe this to be true on any level at all.

 

It feels like everyone I know is pregnant at the moment and while I have absolutely no desire to have kids…  I think it’s upsetting me because my new guy is a Dad.  His kids live with his ex and it just feels like there’s this whole view of the world that I’ll never get.. like a secret club that I can’t gain entry to (I DO NOT WANT TO trust me.  As soon as my implant expires another one is going straight in)…  I think some of it as well just makes me feel like I’ve missed out on something that I wasn’t sure I didn’t want for a while.

 

Trust me, my ex would have been a terrible father and I definitely would have had a more serious break down.  The idea of having to single parent and drop said imaginary child off at his and the bitchstick-piratehooker-‘s place is not at all appealing.  But it was the only time I’d ever actually toyed with having a kid because we’d been together so long.  I’d kind of imagined what our kid would look like (it was always a boy in my head), I’d imagined some names… how happy my ex’s Dad would have been.  It was at a level where, when we split up, I’d been so convinced that I was going to have this kid that it almost felt like the kid had evaporated along with the supposed relationship.

 

So instead I just solidified my opinion that I didn’t want kids.  Then at my training this week I suddenly, truly, realised that if I’m serious about this current guy then I’m going to end up being some form of step-parent and it felt really weird…

 

It’s not that I hate kids.  I get on well enough with everyone else’s…  I just always felt like you shouldn’t have kids unless you have an absolute burning desire for them otherwise you’ll wake up in the morning at 4am covered in their shit and vomit and wanting to die even more than usual.

 

I’ve been ill now for about a month with the same virus and I’m currently training for my new job.  It’s strange how not having to drive for two hours every day has made such a difference to me already.  I’m still suspicious about the idea of it working out given what happened last time.

 

I managed to get myself into a state regarding my last pay cheque but thankfully it worked out alright.  I felt marginally proud of myself for not needing counselling to get through it.

 

I could just really do without my current crazy dreams and constant fatigue.  Falling asleep during class is not flattering.

Advertisements

Progress

Everyone keeps telling me that I’m making it and yet I don’t feel that’s so much the case.

 

I suppose I’m getting better at analysing where my feelings are coming from and trying to recognise earlier when I’m starting to slip backwards.  I’m under no illusions that I’ll ever be 100% ‘fixed’.  I don’t think this is the kind of thing you get fixed from.  I also don’t know if I’m expecting too much from so short a time.  Over half my life has been interrupted continuously by wanting to die, depression and dark horrible moods.  I’ve only really been looking for help since June.

 

Sometimes I wonder how much people see of this progress is because they want to see it.  I have no idea.

 

Inside, I still hate myself.  I catch myself in the middle of a happy moment hearing my own voice and realising I how fucking stupid I sound.  Or I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wonder how the hell anyone can think I’m remotely attractive.  Then I feel that horrible dark sinking feeling again.

 

I’ve really been done with people this past week.  I don’t know how much of that has come from the fact that I had literally nothing to do at work.  I sat and did puzzles for six hours one day.  There is literally nothing I can do but I didn’t want to just stay at home given my boss was such an arse the other week.  The boredom won’t be helping.  The stress of about fifteen other people’s things won’t be helping either.

 

I cried on Friday night because I told my new other half that I just kept waiting for him to suddenly realise how ugly and needy I am and leave.  Today, the voice in my head keeps telling me to imagine life if he does suddenly go and that all consuming loneliness comes back.  It also told me to break up with him because he has his own baggage etc etc etc.  So I know the voice is full of shit.

 

I feel like I’m living in an alternative universe that exists very close to another one in which I’m dead.  Sometimes the awareness of it bleeds into my mind and I see the situation I’ll be in from the POV of what would have happened if I’d managed to kill myself.

 

Someone I used to be really close to, who would purport to be my best friend is soon to be cut out of my life.  I realised last week that she interacted with me that little that I don’t think she’d even notice if I’d done it.  She had no idea how low I was feeling.  Of course very few people did and that was part of my achievement but still…

 

I keep being told to be more selfish and to stop taking other people’s problems onboard but I love taking care of people… it’s my whole thing.  I’m trying to make bolder decisions but then I get crippled by guilt.

 

I just hope this move with my job is for the best.

Hang ups

It’s weird, in that I know I don’t want kids… but I find that there’s suddenly this portion of my life as a result that is trapped behind an invisible pane of glass.

 

I can blame my mom in that she did such a top level job of scaring the shit out of me when it came to the idea of having a kid, sex, teen pregnancy etc that I was pretty terrified of anything and everything and thoroughly put off kids (“I won’t look after it for you” “they scream and crap everywhere at 2am” etc etc).  Think the sex ed that the girls have on South Park and you won’t be far off.

 

But now my friend is preggo with child number 3 and my new partner has two young kids of his own.  He’s been going through a lot of trauma because of being away from them and I find myself frozen.  There’s nothing I can say or do (step one of surviving as the ‘childless friend’ is knowing that you are not EVER allowed to comment on parenting) to fix things.  He has this whole area of his life that I can’t relate to and can only really try through anecdotes and observations I have of my friends raising kids…  I’m not complaining but… I don’t know.

 

I don’t need much help feeling inadequate and even though I’m not ‘the other woman’ because we didn’t even meet until he’d already been broken up with I still feel weird.

 

It’s made me think a lot about kids and what could have been, what I was prepared for etc…  I’d always been of the opinion that you shouldn’t have kids unless you had a desperate, longing desire to have them.  After my experiences at the hands of my parents I don’t feel equipped to be a parent.  I’ve never fantasised about having kids… never really seen kids in my life.  Not that I hate them… it’s just complicated I suppose.

 

When I bought the house that I live in I purposefully went with one bigger than me and my ex needed for the express reason of having space if something were to happen.  We’d been together 7 years, I knew his family well and I was getting close to 30.  I knew he’d be a terrible father given that I was the one who did mostly everything and he wasn’t keen on being a stay at home dad given I was the breadwinner out of the two of us.  Sometimes my thoughts would stray… sometimes I’d try and picture our kid (I was sure we’d have a boy) and the fact that his dad would be so happy if he had a male grandchild…..  Dumb stuff.  I’m now 10000% happy that I DID NOT have a child because otherwise I’d be the one stuck with the kid and he’d have dumped me for the snake bitch he’s with now.

 

I’ve been riding this emotional rollercoaster with him but not with him.  I obviously wasn’t there when he went to see them but I was the one holding him when he was upset about it.  I was the one trying to find the words to say that I’m sure it would work out fine but I feel like a fraud.  All I can do is try and be supportive about something that I don’t have a clue about.  He posted a picture of himself with his kids and my heart broke a bit.  I know that I’m not keeping him from them… their mom chose to split with him but at the same time it felt like he had.

 

My depression voice tells me a lot of things still and I’ve been trying to do my best to drown the voice out on my own.  I’m worried that when I start my new job I won’t be able to keep up counselling as I haven’t told them about my depression or the fact I was off as a result of it.  Deceptive?  Ish..  I do blame my current job for part of the reason I went overboard and let’s face it there aren’t many employers that reward you for being honest when it comes to mental health.

 

The voice has really cranked up the self loathing and anxiety of late.

 

My guy tells me that I’m beautiful and I feel like he’s obviously taking crazy pills or lying.  My current theory is more the former than the latter (does this count as progress?)

I asked him for help with something after we weren’t supposed to be seeing each other till the weekend.  I now feel needy, weak and clingy even though he has agreed to help.  The fact that he hasn’t replied to my message saying thank you is making me feel like this is confirmed.

 

Apparently I’m making progress though.  I severed a lot of ties with things that have been dragging me down and been on my mind.  I have been making more of a concerted effort to try and eat less shit (she says with chocolate in her bag).  My boss pissed me off and I fired off a concise but pointed message right back rather than crying…

 

At the moment I just want to fucking cry though.  I don’t know if it’s because I feel like I’ve been playing my old role of the emotional crutch recently or what.  I just want to sob.  My counsellor says that I need to stop being the one to offer help and support all the time and look after myself… but that isn’t very me.  I’m the one that loves looking after people.  When my boyfriend was going through a tough time I baked, bought in his favourite beer and buried him in blankets.  When my other friend was going through some tough times I sent over some money so he could buy himself something dumb and frivolous…   I’m the person that amazon primes something to her house so she can make sure you get the best birthday present even though she thought she wouldn’t see you…

 

I can’t break out of that role.  I’m trying to be more ‘selfish’… but it’s hard.  He says he wants to spoil me and buy me dumb stuff but my reflex reaction is ‘no don’t’ because I don’t feel worth it.  The ‘women’s magazine advice’ part of my brain points out that I did this in a previous relationship and had flowers all of one time.  No corporate love day present… I ended up paying for us to go out for a meal on my own birthday once…  I guess I don’t feel worth it.  I don’t feel worth more.

 

How the hell do I make that happen?

She’s got issues

So I handed in my notice at my current job today.  Turns out that despite thinking that the interview for the one I went for was awful I got the job…  So I had the option of one closer to home on slightly less money that would (hopefully) give me more activity or to stay in this one where the ceiling has fallen in last year, we’ve had the heating on every day I’ve worked here and I’m bored witless.

 

I think the combination of the commute and not meeting my targets has been significantly contributing to fucking me up.  There’s also the way that when I handed in my sick note to say I had depression my boss didn’t even look at it or open up any dialogue about what he could do to help or to make sure that I’m doing okay.

 

Despite these things I still didn’t sleep last night because of running over all the possible things that could go wrong with handing it in, changing to the new job and what would happen as a result of leaving here.  My brain is so scared of change it’s untrue ¬_¬

 

This is also going to be my second week of not having had any counselling and I do miss it but I think I’m going to have to make the most of it as I think I’m going to have to stop when I start my new job.  I’m still not sure where precisely they’re going to put me.
So I went in and told my shell shocked boss what I’d wanted to tell him since Monday and he just accepted it and then I left his office.  Someone I work with was shocked that he didn’t put up a fight (one of the scenarios that kept me from sleep last night).  I think the thing is that even if he’d said I could work from home 100% of the time I wouldn’t have been happy.  I don’t have enough to do and unfortunately I’m not the kind of person who can just sit and take their pay and actively not care about being bored.

 

If I was that kind of person I could have sat here with a puzzle book and waited to get sacked.

 

So it’s done and I have a month left here to try and sort out all the shit I’ve been dealing with before I go.  I’m not going to miss this horrible building, I’m not going to miss the commute or the town that I work in…

 

Relationship wise things are good… which makes my brain suspicious.  It makes my brain actively look for ways to sabotage things.  Key example being that last weekend we’d had a really good time and then I decided to drop in a mention of not taking me forgranted which ended up triggering him (I couldn’t have known) and making him feel discontent for the rest of the evening ¬_¬  I just don’t know what my brain would accept as proof that he isn’t going to go anywhere as apparently him saying that he loves me isn’t good enough.

 

It’s also weird going out with someone who is as broken as I am and worries as much as I did.  During the first week we went out it was shark week and he mentioned to me last weekend that surely I should have been on by now.  Unfortunately my good man my uterus does not dance to a regular beat and was 2 weeks late last month ¬_¬  It was just odd to have it mentioned as a worry from a guy…  Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining it’s just interesting.

 

He’s depressive as well, has had suicidal thoughts as well..  He has told me that I’m the only thing holding me together but I haven’t said the same to him as I don’t want to put that pressure on him.

 

I’m so so so so fucking tired at the moment it’s untrue.  Yesterday and today I was practically falling asleep in the car on the drive to work.  I don’t know if this is because I’m getting over an illness or the depression fighting back.  I also haven’t been bothered to take any vitamin pills.
My diet is the worst thing ever at the moment.  I can barely fit into anything and am faced with the prospect of this new job and not wanting to spend a load on new clothes.  If I knuckled down to it and started cleaning up my diet then I could probably drop half a stone but unfortunately I just feel like I’m eating and drinking crap to survive.  Case in point yesterday when I had two cans of energy drink just to stop myself from nodding off at my desk.

 

I hate myself so much, I don’t see how this guy can see anything nice in me at all.  The joke of it is that he says the same about himself to me.  I’m hoping we can muddle through all this crap together.

 

Help me think I’m somebody else

So I’m still alive.  Just really, really tired.

 

After spending almost a continuous week together I suddenly was away for 5 days and it left me and my new found lover guy separated.  It wasn’t the best timing as I’m apparently the only thing helping him keep things together.

 

He was sent for immediate counselling as soon as he registered with his new Drs and whoever the counsellor was basically ripped open all the wounds he was trying to keep shut so he can function for the time being.  He needs to find a new job and get his life established up here so he hasn’t got the luxury of being able to fall apart for a bit like I did.

 

We ended up on the phone at one point because he had got himself into a state in the way that I do.  In some ways it’s a blessing and a curse that he’s effectively the male version of me.  For a short time I was scared he was going to end things and the idea of the one light I have at the moment disappearing…. it was like I could feel my soul tightening up.

 

The whole (short) time we have been together has made me realise that I’m not used to being loved.  I’m not used to having someone want to do things for me and treat me.  I’m not used to having a guy want to shower me in affection.  I’m trying to get better at accepting it and it’s hard.

 

While I’m sat in my mental headspace with my depression voice telling me ‘he’s going to leave, he doesn’t love you, he’s taking you for a fool’ he’s also sat a couple of miles away with exactly the same thing.

 

We’ve got thrown together so fast but it feels like I’ve known him forever and the logical part of my brain is having a meltdown over it.

 

All I know is that when I’ve seen him I’m not thinking of driving into the crash barrier at 100mph on the way to work anymore.

 

It would be so much easier to be dead.  But then I was watching this amazing band on the weekend after spending the day laughing with friends and I realised that I was nearly not there for this.  Even this moment right now when I’m typing… if I’d actually done what I wanted to do in June then I wouldn’t be here.

 

I’m not saying that things have outweighed that because they haven’t…  I’m still tired, I still hate myself but I suppose the actual continual suicidal thoughts have lessened off.

 

I was stood watching the band, trying to visualise what the time would have been like if I wasn’t there.  Short of the practicality side of me not being there to give a lift to some of my friends, would they actually have noticed the fact I wasn’t there?  Would it have made an impact on their experience…?  I find it hard to believe…

 

I made friends with a lady while I was there that was just starting off into a new relationship too and she was just as scared as I was.  She couldn’t see why he would find anything redeeming or attractive about her just like I can’t see it in relation to me.  I think part of me feels like he’s just after the security I can give him because there’s no other reason he’d possibly like me.

 

I’ve seen photos of myself at the weekend and I just… I can’t describe how much I hate myself.  I spent the whole time trying to hide from the camera and throw things in front of my face.  It reminds me of the time that a group of my friends were doing ‘fugly’ selfies as a joke and they got angry with me because I wouldn’t do it.  I wouldn’t do it because I always feel like that, I don’t need any extra help.

 

The job that I went for have asked me to tell them when I’m free so I can do a teleconference thing but I just wonder if they’re going to turn into another shambles like this job is.  At least it would be a shamble closer to home I suppose.  It would also have the corporate safety blanket involved.

 

I’m so tired I feel like falling asleep at my desk.  I want to sleep but I promised myself I’d start going back to dance class and have told everyone I’m going tonight.  It’s only an hour and hopefully they’ll be easy on me because I’ve said what I’m like.

 

On the weekend some nobs invaded our site and were joking about this D list celebrity who had killed himself and I had to walk away.  People are fucking idiots.  I just wanted to tell them that it’s not funny.  People being pushed to the brink isn’t funny.  Deciding that the best option for the whole planet is for you to be removed from it isn’t hilarious…  I didn’t because I felt disassociated with it because of wanting to shoot myself.  I’m not great at tying knots so hanging didn’t really have that resonance with me… that and a lack of accessible places to try and hang from to do it properly.  Haven’t got the right stair rails…

 

But then if I had… I would never have met Him… I wouldn’t have had 7 orgasms last night and I wouldn’t know that I was capable of experiencing the relationship I’m in right now.

 

My head is such a mess… I feel so fucking lost.  I just want to hide with him.

I don’t understand

Am I going crazy?

I feel like I’ve known you forever.  All I want to do is scream at you ‘I have been waiting here’ because that’s how it feels.  I know we’ve been talking for a week, I know that we met for a weekend, I know that you’ve known me before but I don’t remember you (because I’m a twat)…

 

But I don’t trust myself.

 

I’m scared that I feel this way as some sort of reaction to my loneliness.  I’m scared that I feel this way because I want to believe it can be true.

 

I feel like I know you and yet I know that I can’t possibly.

 

We are both so fucking damaged.  We have both been hurt so much by other people.

 

You’re saying all the right things in the right order and I want to run away and hide because I feel like you don’t mean them.  I keep thinking that every time you see how happy you make me you’re ticking a box in your head because you’re a stage further in some sort of master plan.

 

I’m scared that you haven’t processed your damage yet and in six months time you’re going to wake up and decide that now you need space.  And I will be on my own again but so much worse.  Or that you’ll wake up and see that I’m ugly, that I’m needy and fat and have a head that feels like it’s going to explode because of All the Things.  Or I will have mothered you to death without meaning to.

 

I want to tell you that I’ve been sent to help heal you because you’re as weird and screwed up as I am and you might get that.

 

But all these things is like showing my throat.  All these thoughts make me vulnerable and I don’t do that anymore.  Not if I can help it.  Who tells someone these things if they’re scared that they’re going to be used?  It’s like walking into a car showroom and telling the salesman how much you’ve always wanted one of these cars and you’ve just won the lottery.

 

I’m used to being the one who runs off in her head and thinks about how things might be if it works out in the future.  I’m used to having to play the game where you act cool and calm and feel like you’re not bothered if you meet up with that person again or not.
I’m not used to being wanted or wanted so intensely.  I’m not used to this intense ANYTHING.

 

Everyone keeps telling me that I just need to calm down, relax and enjoy things… but my mind is half terrified half overjoyed and I’m flying around between the two.  I don’t want to screw this up because I’m trying to be too cautious and I don’t want to make things burn out because I’ve thrown myself into the fire too quickly.

 

You know more than me and I don’t want to look like an idiot.

 

I feel like wanting to do everything right is going to make everything go wrong.  I was such a fucking uptight teenager.  I didn’t experiment, I didn’t try anything.  I had one boyfriend for less than a month (I think) when I was 13 and then pretty much a relationship drought until I got to my ex.  [So glad that I have never just known one guy… I’ve learnt a lot]

 

I don’t to burden you with my hang ups but how can I explain to you why I am the way that I am without doing it or making it seem like I’m just being difficult?

 

I’m just so fucking sick of hurting.

Maelstrom in my mind

I don’t like feeling out of control which will amuse anyone who read about what I got up to while drunk the other weekend.  I think the thing is though that I was still in control, just the usual filter that I operate through had gone.

 

This weekend I have had to deal with socialising, possible romantic involvement and horrendous friendship politics.

 

Yesterday I got in a bit of a state (for a change).  What isn’t helping is that I’m 2 weeks late in having fallen to the communists which isn’t that out of the ordinary because of the coil I had fitted but is still disconcerting as hell.  It also means I’ve had a psychosomatic bad back for about five days now.  You also always have that worry that even though the coil is supposed to be more effective than most other things that you will be the case that proves the exception.  I did a test last night just in case and it came up negative… but again the voice goes ‘but what if it’s too early’.

 

So I’m shoving that in the corner of my mind.

 

I’m meeting with the guy I’ve been talking to soon.  He has issues, I have issues.  My main set of issues at the moment revolves around the fact that part of me is feeling like a 16 year old girl.  I genuinely have butterflies.  When he flirts with me I grin like an idiot.  Then sat next to the 16 year old is the jaded 45 year old who is sat with a newspaper, occasionally looking over the top and saying ‘you’re a fucking idiot, he’s lying to you’.

 

I’m still trying to process what my counselor said and what I know to be true in that I’ve been psychologically conditioned from a young age to be a carer, to be a people pleaser and someone who cares for others.  To be the strong one.  I’m concerned that part of this is coming from my need to mother and heal and the other part is coming from the intense loneliness that just wants to love and be loved.

 

One moment I feel like I’m just about to skip into feeling happy and optimistic and then I’m getting rugby tackled into the ground by my past.  I’ve always gone for the glass being half empty and believing that the worse case scenario is the one most likely to happen… because it generally does.  In my mind it’s just called being prepared.

 

I’m so fucking scared of being hurt and yet I know that’s part of the gamble with relationships.

I’m so fucking scared of loving someone and yet it’s all I want.

 

The shit taking tolerance is also at a new record low so unfortunately I’m telling unfortunate truths and taking names.  When you’ve been coached to lie about a dark family secret under pain of the apocalypse happening you become pretty good at lying and hiding what you’re truly thinking and feeling… apparently this is wearing off.  Everyone is telling me this is a good thing but if I just napalm my whole life I’m scared there’ll be nothing left to rebuild from.  I want to leave my job, I want to leave all the complications I have and just go and live in a monastry on a mountain for a bit… but I guess that wouldn’t help with the loneliness!

 

The weekend worked out though.  What I had originally written off as a ‘grandma weekend’ of sitting in with netflix and crafts (like the 50s+/dead on the inside version of netflix and chill) I ended up getting invited out at the last minute and made myself say yes.
Turns out dancing to the Venga Boys at 1am in a shitty club was exactly what I needed.

 

Just give me the strength to be brave with my job and be brave with trying to take a chance on this guy and I have to hope that maybe something will work out.  If I’m alone at least let me be happy in my job and be successful.  If I have a shitty job just please let me have someone to love and who actually fucking loves me.

 

Or even just help me process the fact someone even could.