Hang ups

It’s weird, in that I know I don’t want kids… but I find that there’s suddenly this portion of my life as a result that is trapped behind an invisible pane of glass.

 

I can blame my mom in that she did such a top level job of scaring the shit out of me when it came to the idea of having a kid, sex, teen pregnancy etc that I was pretty terrified of anything and everything and thoroughly put off kids (“I won’t look after it for you” “they scream and crap everywhere at 2am” etc etc).  Think the sex ed that the girls have on South Park and you won’t be far off.

 

But now my friend is preggo with child number 3 and my new partner has two young kids of his own.  He’s been going through a lot of trauma because of being away from them and I find myself frozen.  There’s nothing I can say or do (step one of surviving as the ‘childless friend’ is knowing that you are not EVER allowed to comment on parenting) to fix things.  He has this whole area of his life that I can’t relate to and can only really try through anecdotes and observations I have of my friends raising kids…  I’m not complaining but… I don’t know.

 

I don’t need much help feeling inadequate and even though I’m not ‘the other woman’ because we didn’t even meet until he’d already been broken up with I still feel weird.

 

It’s made me think a lot about kids and what could have been, what I was prepared for etc…  I’d always been of the opinion that you shouldn’t have kids unless you had a desperate, longing desire to have them.  After my experiences at the hands of my parents I don’t feel equipped to be a parent.  I’ve never fantasised about having kids… never really seen kids in my life.  Not that I hate them… it’s just complicated I suppose.

 

When I bought the house that I live in I purposefully went with one bigger than me and my ex needed for the express reason of having space if something were to happen.  We’d been together 7 years, I knew his family well and I was getting close to 30.  I knew he’d be a terrible father given that I was the one who did mostly everything and he wasn’t keen on being a stay at home dad given I was the breadwinner out of the two of us.  Sometimes my thoughts would stray… sometimes I’d try and picture our kid (I was sure we’d have a boy) and the fact that his dad would be so happy if he had a male grandchild…..  Dumb stuff.  I’m now 10000% happy that I DID NOT have a child because otherwise I’d be the one stuck with the kid and he’d have dumped me for the snake bitch he’s with now.

 

I’ve been riding this emotional rollercoaster with him but not with him.  I obviously wasn’t there when he went to see them but I was the one holding him when he was upset about it.  I was the one trying to find the words to say that I’m sure it would work out fine but I feel like a fraud.  All I can do is try and be supportive about something that I don’t have a clue about.  He posted a picture of himself with his kids and my heart broke a bit.  I know that I’m not keeping him from them… their mom chose to split with him but at the same time it felt like he had.

 

My depression voice tells me a lot of things still and I’ve been trying to do my best to drown the voice out on my own.  I’m worried that when I start my new job I won’t be able to keep up counselling as I haven’t told them about my depression or the fact I was off as a result of it.  Deceptive?  Ish..  I do blame my current job for part of the reason I went overboard and let’s face it there aren’t many employers that reward you for being honest when it comes to mental health.

 

The voice has really cranked up the self loathing and anxiety of late.

 

My guy tells me that I’m beautiful and I feel like he’s obviously taking crazy pills or lying.  My current theory is more the former than the latter (does this count as progress?)

I asked him for help with something after we weren’t supposed to be seeing each other till the weekend.  I now feel needy, weak and clingy even though he has agreed to help.  The fact that he hasn’t replied to my message saying thank you is making me feel like this is confirmed.

 

Apparently I’m making progress though.  I severed a lot of ties with things that have been dragging me down and been on my mind.  I have been making more of a concerted effort to try and eat less shit (she says with chocolate in her bag).  My boss pissed me off and I fired off a concise but pointed message right back rather than crying…

 

At the moment I just want to fucking cry though.  I don’t know if it’s because I feel like I’ve been playing my old role of the emotional crutch recently or what.  I just want to sob.  My counsellor says that I need to stop being the one to offer help and support all the time and look after myself… but that isn’t very me.  I’m the one that loves looking after people.  When my boyfriend was going through a tough time I baked, bought in his favourite beer and buried him in blankets.  When my other friend was going through some tough times I sent over some money so he could buy himself something dumb and frivolous…   I’m the person that amazon primes something to her house so she can make sure you get the best birthday present even though she thought she wouldn’t see you…

 

I can’t break out of that role.  I’m trying to be more ‘selfish’… but it’s hard.  He says he wants to spoil me and buy me dumb stuff but my reflex reaction is ‘no don’t’ because I don’t feel worth it.  The ‘women’s magazine advice’ part of my brain points out that I did this in a previous relationship and had flowers all of one time.  No corporate love day present… I ended up paying for us to go out for a meal on my own birthday once…  I guess I don’t feel worth it.  I don’t feel worth more.

 

How the hell do I make that happen?

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Knowing the dark voice

I can’t say whether things have dramatically changed for the better since my counsellor has helped me recognise the horrible voice in my head as a separate entity or not but it’s definitely doing something.  I read something online where someone said they visualised it as a mini Donald Trump but I ended up in the realms of fantasy for mine (as usual).

 

So despite the voice telling me that everything is going to go wrong with this relationship and that new guy is just using me for my ‘resources’ I ended up telling him I loved him on Sunday.. in my usual so planned and subtle way of blurting it out in the middle of watching a band.

 

In my defense the series of events is as follows:

1 –  He unintentionally ended up staying Thursday and went home on the Friday night

2 – When the gig started, the band played an unexpected cover of Starman which was the song that reminded me of the time I nearly went over the edge again a couple of months ago and was the song I was blaring out driving to get pizza at 11pm… this made me think, again, of the fact that if I had gone through with what I’d wanted then I wouldn’t have been at that gig at that point in time with a guy I knew I loved

3 – The main band come on.  I’ve been standing up in a packed room for about two hours by this point and suddenly realise that I’m either going to pass out, faint or both.  I try to ignore this feeling and then give up and let him know (I felt bad as he hadn’t seen them before and didn’t have much money to buy the ticket.  It turns out I was going down with a flu virus).  He immediately pulled me through the crowd, sat me down somewhere safe and ran backwards and forwards to the bar for water.  This sounds really stupid but I can’t count the number of times my ex would abandon me at gigs or generally not bother to look after me at all.

4 – They played a song that was really sad for him but had a lot of meaning for me.  Especially as the time I’d seen them last year I was feeling incredibly crap and single and my two friends were kissing the entire song.  They then followed this with a song that was really sad for me and reminded me of crying along to it because of feeling so fucking lonely.

 

So the resulting event was me turning round and looking at him and realising that this man genuinely gave a shit about me and it was about time that I told him I loved him rather than holding him hostage with it.

 

When we talked about it when we got back we both cried.  He apparently had written off the idea of me saying it until about 3 months from now when I’d had more counselling etc.

 

We’re both so, so damaged.  For all his bluster and swagger I can see that he is just as worried that I’m going to evaporate as he is.  I’ve met his family now and he’s due to meet mine in the near future… if you were just out to exploit someone then you wouldn’t do that?

 

You also wouldn’t spend the entire day, either side of job interviews, looking after the very weak and pathetic woman in question who had snored all night thanks to her sinuses shutting down and who was running a fever…

 

And yet he turned round to me and said he was waiting for me to come to my senses and for the ‘novelty to wear off’.

 

It’s funny how his voice and mine often coordinate and we can spot when it’s happening in each other’s brains.  Thankfully we’re being honest with each other but it’s just…. odd.  I’m starting to understand how stupid my thoughts can seem to other people now.

 

So this is week one of me not having a session because my counsellor is on holiday, next week is blank as well.

 

I have achieved the goal of getting the other job that I thought I had royally fucked up.  My brain isn’t accepting this as the case though even though I have an email in my inbox with all the contract info etc…  I suppose I thought I wouldn’t be moving jobs for a long time but in all honesty all this week when I’ve been off I’ve been looking at my oncoming appraisal with the dread of ‘oh fuck I’m probably going to get fired’  So I guess if I hand my notice in first it’s a winner.  It’s slightly less money but hopefully not having to drive so much will balance it out?  I can dream.

 

I’m very, very fearful of jumping from the frying pan into the fire and I think some of me not accepting that I got the job is me being scared of GETTING the job.

 

Basically: how to come across as being really ungrateful for good things happening in your life all of a sudden

Help me think I’m somebody else

So I’m still alive.  Just really, really tired.

 

After spending almost a continuous week together I suddenly was away for 5 days and it left me and my new found lover guy separated.  It wasn’t the best timing as I’m apparently the only thing helping him keep things together.

 

He was sent for immediate counselling as soon as he registered with his new Drs and whoever the counsellor was basically ripped open all the wounds he was trying to keep shut so he can function for the time being.  He needs to find a new job and get his life established up here so he hasn’t got the luxury of being able to fall apart for a bit like I did.

 

We ended up on the phone at one point because he had got himself into a state in the way that I do.  In some ways it’s a blessing and a curse that he’s effectively the male version of me.  For a short time I was scared he was going to end things and the idea of the one light I have at the moment disappearing…. it was like I could feel my soul tightening up.

 

The whole (short) time we have been together has made me realise that I’m not used to being loved.  I’m not used to having someone want to do things for me and treat me.  I’m not used to having a guy want to shower me in affection.  I’m trying to get better at accepting it and it’s hard.

 

While I’m sat in my mental headspace with my depression voice telling me ‘he’s going to leave, he doesn’t love you, he’s taking you for a fool’ he’s also sat a couple of miles away with exactly the same thing.

 

We’ve got thrown together so fast but it feels like I’ve known him forever and the logical part of my brain is having a meltdown over it.

 

All I know is that when I’ve seen him I’m not thinking of driving into the crash barrier at 100mph on the way to work anymore.

 

It would be so much easier to be dead.  But then I was watching this amazing band on the weekend after spending the day laughing with friends and I realised that I was nearly not there for this.  Even this moment right now when I’m typing… if I’d actually done what I wanted to do in June then I wouldn’t be here.

 

I’m not saying that things have outweighed that because they haven’t…  I’m still tired, I still hate myself but I suppose the actual continual suicidal thoughts have lessened off.

 

I was stood watching the band, trying to visualise what the time would have been like if I wasn’t there.  Short of the practicality side of me not being there to give a lift to some of my friends, would they actually have noticed the fact I wasn’t there?  Would it have made an impact on their experience…?  I find it hard to believe…

 

I made friends with a lady while I was there that was just starting off into a new relationship too and she was just as scared as I was.  She couldn’t see why he would find anything redeeming or attractive about her just like I can’t see it in relation to me.  I think part of me feels like he’s just after the security I can give him because there’s no other reason he’d possibly like me.

 

I’ve seen photos of myself at the weekend and I just… I can’t describe how much I hate myself.  I spent the whole time trying to hide from the camera and throw things in front of my face.  It reminds me of the time that a group of my friends were doing ‘fugly’ selfies as a joke and they got angry with me because I wouldn’t do it.  I wouldn’t do it because I always feel like that, I don’t need any extra help.

 

The job that I went for have asked me to tell them when I’m free so I can do a teleconference thing but I just wonder if they’re going to turn into another shambles like this job is.  At least it would be a shamble closer to home I suppose.  It would also have the corporate safety blanket involved.

 

I’m so tired I feel like falling asleep at my desk.  I want to sleep but I promised myself I’d start going back to dance class and have told everyone I’m going tonight.  It’s only an hour and hopefully they’ll be easy on me because I’ve said what I’m like.

 

On the weekend some nobs invaded our site and were joking about this D list celebrity who had killed himself and I had to walk away.  People are fucking idiots.  I just wanted to tell them that it’s not funny.  People being pushed to the brink isn’t funny.  Deciding that the best option for the whole planet is for you to be removed from it isn’t hilarious…  I didn’t because I felt disassociated with it because of wanting to shoot myself.  I’m not great at tying knots so hanging didn’t really have that resonance with me… that and a lack of accessible places to try and hang from to do it properly.  Haven’t got the right stair rails…

 

But then if I had… I would never have met Him… I wouldn’t have had 7 orgasms last night and I wouldn’t know that I was capable of experiencing the relationship I’m in right now.

 

My head is such a mess… I feel so fucking lost.  I just want to hide with him.

Cause I’m fucked up, because you are

I had an amazing weekend.  Despite this hitting a number of triggeringly trigger things and despite me crying naked on top of someone…

 

We’ll get to that.

 

On Friday I sat down in my counsellor’s office and said ‘I am a freak.  There is a man trying to get into a loving relationship with me, who tells me that I’m beautiful and whose jaw visibly dropped the first time we went on a date… and it fucking terrifies me and I have no idea how to process it’

 

It fucking upsets me.  What kind of messed up human being am I that can’t cope with being loved?  What does that say about me?  He tells me that he loves me and all I can feel is suspicion.  All I can think is ‘what do you want though?’  I look into his eyes and I don’t see that at all and yet it’s what my head can’t get round.  This roadblock of ‘we got completely used before’.

 

Speaking of which…  The gods are cruel and have a sense of humour…  ‘Let’s go to the pub’ ‘I’m not sure… EX and OTHER BINT go there’ ‘They haven’t been in ages, I asked around’
I went knowing full well that they would be there.  I could have been told that they had moved to the moon and known that they would show up.
They did.

 

The worst thing?  I was sat there and enjoying myself but I was on edge because I KNEW… and then I saw him and I felt fear.  Pure physical fear.  My hands started shaking.  He was never violent towards me, never abusive and never giving me any reason to be SCARED of the bastard… and yet there we were.

 

I’ve been trying to think about it a lot and the only explanation I can think of is that it’s the fear of being hurt again.  The fear of looking into the eyes of someone that I had loved so fucking utterly and completely for seven years and seeing nothing there.  I don’t love him anymore, I have no feelings anymore… except fear apparently.

 

So then I’m sat there, feeling this physical fear and being appalled with myself for it.  How can they instill that in me?  Why the hell am I shaking?  This is bullshit.

 

He looked in my direction, did this half hearted completely fake smile and then disappeared upstairs with her.

 

So we left the pub and walked back while he wished he’d thrown one of the wooden tables at them and I wished that I hadn’t had some horrendous fear reaction I couldn’t understand.

 

I have had the best sex I’ve ever had in my life this weekend… and I’ve also cried on the guy while I was having some of it because of the emotional release.

 

I’ve felt so lonely, so incredibly fucking lonely.  I wanted to die so badly.  The feeling of being unwanted and alone was like a rusty, blunt knife that would carve into me and make me lie on my hall floor crying weakly.  It just backed up the idea that I wasn’t good enough, I was never going to be good enough.  My love wasn’t good enough.
Then this guy comes… and he’s just as damaged as me.  It’s like someone zapped in the male version of me from some other reality.  The issue is we both sit there quietly assuming the worst about the other because of past experience.  He is scared that I’m just using him and I’m scared he’s just using me.  But he tells me that he loves me and I can’t reply back.  I know that I do… but that’s ridiculous (the voice says), I haven’t known him that long so I can’t possibly be in love with him.  He’s just saying it to me (the voice says) because he knows that it will sucker me in.

 

Meanwhile I’m tearing myself up because I can’t say it back.  I physically can’t do it because to me, admitting that I love him is giving him the green flag to go ahead and use me….

 

Which is the fucking sadest, most pitiful thing I ever hope to type.

 

Part of me is so fucking terrified that he’s going to leave and I’m going to be on my own again and I just can’t even cope with the idea.  I can’t cope with the idea of having this and then it disappearing.  I feel like that would be it and there’s no way in the world a relationship can survive under that pressure.  I don’t want to cling but I feel like this is the only fucking glimpse of any light that I’ve seen in the darkness for such a long time.

 

I am so goddamn broken.

I don’t understand

Am I going crazy?

I feel like I’ve known you forever.  All I want to do is scream at you ‘I have been waiting here’ because that’s how it feels.  I know we’ve been talking for a week, I know that we met for a weekend, I know that you’ve known me before but I don’t remember you (because I’m a twat)…

 

But I don’t trust myself.

 

I’m scared that I feel this way as some sort of reaction to my loneliness.  I’m scared that I feel this way because I want to believe it can be true.

 

I feel like I know you and yet I know that I can’t possibly.

 

We are both so fucking damaged.  We have both been hurt so much by other people.

 

You’re saying all the right things in the right order and I want to run away and hide because I feel like you don’t mean them.  I keep thinking that every time you see how happy you make me you’re ticking a box in your head because you’re a stage further in some sort of master plan.

 

I’m scared that you haven’t processed your damage yet and in six months time you’re going to wake up and decide that now you need space.  And I will be on my own again but so much worse.  Or that you’ll wake up and see that I’m ugly, that I’m needy and fat and have a head that feels like it’s going to explode because of All the Things.  Or I will have mothered you to death without meaning to.

 

I want to tell you that I’ve been sent to help heal you because you’re as weird and screwed up as I am and you might get that.

 

But all these things is like showing my throat.  All these thoughts make me vulnerable and I don’t do that anymore.  Not if I can help it.  Who tells someone these things if they’re scared that they’re going to be used?  It’s like walking into a car showroom and telling the salesman how much you’ve always wanted one of these cars and you’ve just won the lottery.

 

I’m used to being the one who runs off in her head and thinks about how things might be if it works out in the future.  I’m used to having to play the game where you act cool and calm and feel like you’re not bothered if you meet up with that person again or not.
I’m not used to being wanted or wanted so intensely.  I’m not used to this intense ANYTHING.

 

Everyone keeps telling me that I just need to calm down, relax and enjoy things… but my mind is half terrified half overjoyed and I’m flying around between the two.  I don’t want to screw this up because I’m trying to be too cautious and I don’t want to make things burn out because I’ve thrown myself into the fire too quickly.

 

You know more than me and I don’t want to look like an idiot.

 

I feel like wanting to do everything right is going to make everything go wrong.  I was such a fucking uptight teenager.  I didn’t experiment, I didn’t try anything.  I had one boyfriend for less than a month (I think) when I was 13 and then pretty much a relationship drought until I got to my ex.  [So glad that I have never just known one guy… I’ve learnt a lot]

 

I don’t to burden you with my hang ups but how can I explain to you why I am the way that I am without doing it or making it seem like I’m just being difficult?

 

I’m just so fucking sick of hurting.

Maelstrom in my mind

I don’t like feeling out of control which will amuse anyone who read about what I got up to while drunk the other weekend.  I think the thing is though that I was still in control, just the usual filter that I operate through had gone.

 

This weekend I have had to deal with socialising, possible romantic involvement and horrendous friendship politics.

 

Yesterday I got in a bit of a state (for a change).  What isn’t helping is that I’m 2 weeks late in having fallen to the communists which isn’t that out of the ordinary because of the coil I had fitted but is still disconcerting as hell.  It also means I’ve had a psychosomatic bad back for about five days now.  You also always have that worry that even though the coil is supposed to be more effective than most other things that you will be the case that proves the exception.  I did a test last night just in case and it came up negative… but again the voice goes ‘but what if it’s too early’.

 

So I’m shoving that in the corner of my mind.

 

I’m meeting with the guy I’ve been talking to soon.  He has issues, I have issues.  My main set of issues at the moment revolves around the fact that part of me is feeling like a 16 year old girl.  I genuinely have butterflies.  When he flirts with me I grin like an idiot.  Then sat next to the 16 year old is the jaded 45 year old who is sat with a newspaper, occasionally looking over the top and saying ‘you’re a fucking idiot, he’s lying to you’.

 

I’m still trying to process what my counselor said and what I know to be true in that I’ve been psychologically conditioned from a young age to be a carer, to be a people pleaser and someone who cares for others.  To be the strong one.  I’m concerned that part of this is coming from my need to mother and heal and the other part is coming from the intense loneliness that just wants to love and be loved.

 

One moment I feel like I’m just about to skip into feeling happy and optimistic and then I’m getting rugby tackled into the ground by my past.  I’ve always gone for the glass being half empty and believing that the worse case scenario is the one most likely to happen… because it generally does.  In my mind it’s just called being prepared.

 

I’m so fucking scared of being hurt and yet I know that’s part of the gamble with relationships.

I’m so fucking scared of loving someone and yet it’s all I want.

 

The shit taking tolerance is also at a new record low so unfortunately I’m telling unfortunate truths and taking names.  When you’ve been coached to lie about a dark family secret under pain of the apocalypse happening you become pretty good at lying and hiding what you’re truly thinking and feeling… apparently this is wearing off.  Everyone is telling me this is a good thing but if I just napalm my whole life I’m scared there’ll be nothing left to rebuild from.  I want to leave my job, I want to leave all the complications I have and just go and live in a monastry on a mountain for a bit… but I guess that wouldn’t help with the loneliness!

 

The weekend worked out though.  What I had originally written off as a ‘grandma weekend’ of sitting in with netflix and crafts (like the 50s+/dead on the inside version of netflix and chill) I ended up getting invited out at the last minute and made myself say yes.
Turns out dancing to the Venga Boys at 1am in a shitty club was exactly what I needed.

 

Just give me the strength to be brave with my job and be brave with trying to take a chance on this guy and I have to hope that maybe something will work out.  If I’m alone at least let me be happy in my job and be successful.  If I have a shitty job just please let me have someone to love and who actually fucking loves me.

 

Or even just help me process the fact someone even could.

I’m scared

So last night/this morning I woke myself up because I was having a full on night terror involving me screaming and thrashing around in the bed.  The working theory is that this is good.  The unworking theory is that this is me almost being possessed by evil spirits so we’ll see how it goes tonight -_-

 

I’ve spent the whole day walking round feeling like I’ve been kicked in the solar plexus all night.  I don’t know what that’s about either.
What I do know is that I’m hiding from my job and everything to do with it.  I’m trying to make myself hold out until the other side of some days off I have booked but we’ll see -_-  I just want to go to the Drs and get signed off…

 

WHICH REMINDS ME!

 

The good old NHS is definitely trying to finish me off!  See series of events:

June – Initial going to Dr, Dr suggests doing referral to therapy

June.2 – Do three referrals, each wanting me to go into exquisite detail about how I wanted to kill myself, what my plans were etc.  Their response: KTHNX we will contact you in a month for your phone assessment

July – A month on.  Asked to go through everything on the phone AGAIN, in detail AGAIN.  Left in a state, told to phone Samaritans because it will take 3 weeks for me to be seen

July.2 – Letter sent with everything I had said (including most of the horrible detail) sent out in the post to my house.  Again confirming it will take 3 weeks to be seen by anyone

2017-07-28 15.43.36-1.jpg

 

Gee thanks NHS.  This is really what I needed to read, unexpectedly on the way out the door while I’m trying to get on with my fucking life that you seem determined to remind me that I want to fucking end.

 

As is the theme of recent days… I GOT FUCKING PISSED OFF ABOUT IT

 

 

Especially because someone I know’s friend killed herself.  She was trying to get help.  The help never came.  Are we surprised?  I get so fucking angry.  It’s like.. if you just want us all to die and decrease the burden on the population then at least do what the Roman state did and give us the means to go out with dignity.  Otherwise, if you want people to live then HELP THEM.

 

Ranting aside…

 

Guy problems.  Because I am 100% a 16 year old girl and not someone who should be married with 5 kids already.

 

I apparently literally cannot handle being complimented.  My brain freezes up.  So I’m currently stuck in this world of ‘WTF do I do?!’ and ‘he is totally lying.  He is manipulating you’.  I get the impression he’s been like me… stuck with a lot of affection to give someone and not having an outlet for it.  The issue is that to me, my inner voice is processing it as being insincere and overwhelming.

 

I think what is most terrifying me is because I feel a genuine connection to this person.  We technically spent the weekend amongst friends and chatting and socialising etc so even though we’re going on a Date it’s still not like the internet where we’ve not met at all before.  I’m scared that this connection I feel is just my intense loneliness coming at me from another angle.  I feel like I’m trying to trick myself out of feeling miserable.  I just don’t want to end up in another shitty relationship but then the only way you find that out is to give it a go.

 

Oh and there is the usual of me being too fat and ugly to qualify being worthy of love… which I keep being told is untrue but I don’t feel that on the inside.