It’s weird, in that I know I don’t want kids… but I find that there’s suddenly this portion of my life as a result that is trapped behind an invisible pane of glass.
I can blame my mom in that she did such a top level job of scaring the shit out of me when it came to the idea of having a kid, sex, teen pregnancy etc that I was pretty terrified of anything and everything and thoroughly put off kids (“I won’t look after it for you” “they scream and crap everywhere at 2am” etc etc). Think the sex ed that the girls have on South Park and you won’t be far off.
But now my friend is preggo with child number 3 and my new partner has two young kids of his own. He’s been going through a lot of trauma because of being away from them and I find myself frozen. There’s nothing I can say or do (step one of surviving as the ‘childless friend’ is knowing that you are not EVER allowed to comment on parenting) to fix things. He has this whole area of his life that I can’t relate to and can only really try through anecdotes and observations I have of my friends raising kids… I’m not complaining but… I don’t know.
I don’t need much help feeling inadequate and even though I’m not ‘the other woman’ because we didn’t even meet until he’d already been broken up with I still feel weird.
It’s made me think a lot about kids and what could have been, what I was prepared for etc… I’d always been of the opinion that you shouldn’t have kids unless you had a desperate, longing desire to have them. After my experiences at the hands of my parents I don’t feel equipped to be a parent. I’ve never fantasised about having kids… never really seen kids in my life. Not that I hate them… it’s just complicated I suppose.
When I bought the house that I live in I purposefully went with one bigger than me and my ex needed for the express reason of having space if something were to happen. We’d been together 7 years, I knew his family well and I was getting close to 30. I knew he’d be a terrible father given that I was the one who did mostly everything and he wasn’t keen on being a stay at home dad given I was the breadwinner out of the two of us. Sometimes my thoughts would stray… sometimes I’d try and picture our kid (I was sure we’d have a boy) and the fact that his dad would be so happy if he had a male grandchild….. Dumb stuff. I’m now 10000% happy that I DID NOT have a child because otherwise I’d be the one stuck with the kid and he’d have dumped me for the snake bitch he’s with now.
I’ve been riding this emotional rollercoaster with him but not with him. I obviously wasn’t there when he went to see them but I was the one holding him when he was upset about it. I was the one trying to find the words to say that I’m sure it would work out fine but I feel like a fraud. All I can do is try and be supportive about something that I don’t have a clue about. He posted a picture of himself with his kids and my heart broke a bit. I know that I’m not keeping him from them… their mom chose to split with him but at the same time it felt like he had.
My depression voice tells me a lot of things still and I’ve been trying to do my best to drown the voice out on my own. I’m worried that when I start my new job I won’t be able to keep up counselling as I haven’t told them about my depression or the fact I was off as a result of it. Deceptive? Ish.. I do blame my current job for part of the reason I went overboard and let’s face it there aren’t many employers that reward you for being honest when it comes to mental health.
The voice has really cranked up the self loathing and anxiety of late.
My guy tells me that I’m beautiful and I feel like he’s obviously taking crazy pills or lying. My current theory is more the former than the latter (does this count as progress?)
I asked him for help with something after we weren’t supposed to be seeing each other till the weekend. I now feel needy, weak and clingy even though he has agreed to help. The fact that he hasn’t replied to my message saying thank you is making me feel like this is confirmed.
Apparently I’m making progress though. I severed a lot of ties with things that have been dragging me down and been on my mind. I have been making more of a concerted effort to try and eat less shit (she says with chocolate in her bag). My boss pissed me off and I fired off a concise but pointed message right back rather than crying…
At the moment I just want to fucking cry though. I don’t know if it’s because I feel like I’ve been playing my old role of the emotional crutch recently or what. I just want to sob. My counsellor says that I need to stop being the one to offer help and support all the time and look after myself… but that isn’t very me. I’m the one that loves looking after people. When my boyfriend was going through a tough time I baked, bought in his favourite beer and buried him in blankets. When my other friend was going through some tough times I sent over some money so he could buy himself something dumb and frivolous… I’m the person that amazon primes something to her house so she can make sure you get the best birthday present even though she thought she wouldn’t see you…
I can’t break out of that role. I’m trying to be more ‘selfish’… but it’s hard. He says he wants to spoil me and buy me dumb stuff but my reflex reaction is ‘no don’t’ because I don’t feel worth it. The ‘women’s magazine advice’ part of my brain points out that I did this in a previous relationship and had flowers all of one time. No corporate love day present… I ended up paying for us to go out for a meal on my own birthday once… I guess I don’t feel worth it. I don’t feel worth more.
How the hell do I make that happen?