Always the same hating

I’d thought that being in a relationship would help me with my depression and while it has and while it has definitely helped cut down on the suicidal thoughts what has ramped up to replace them is self loathing.

 

It doesn’t help that we’ve both been comfort eating so my weight is piling on and I haven’t had the energy to go to the gym or do anything but comfort eat.  I’m trying to make a mental resolution to draw a line under it but it isn’t easy.  I’m trying to get my head straight so I can drop at least some of this weight before the end of the year but keep getting put off by the fact that I was telling myself this in January and I just got fatter.

 

He keeps telling me that I’m beautiful and that he loves me but I just can’t see why.  My brain constantly reminds me of the fact I probably look terrible while we’re having sex, that he can see my double chin really badly from the angle he’s sat at on the sofa… that if I was thinner I could wear all the nerdy shirts in my wardrobe that are currently neglected.

 

It’s weird because he says the same about himself, that he can’t understand how I can think he’s attractive…  Sometimes we are just too strangely similar.

 

I was thinking the other day about how when I composed my mental list of attributes that I wanted my other half to have that, while he does tick so many, there are a few that he doesn’t.  But then when I examined the ones he didn’t it was all stuff that I had an issue with myself about.  Like I couldn’t cope with someone who had the same flaws as me or that reminded me of bad things from the past.  And yet here I am.  In love with this goofy man.

 

I’m trying to support him at the moment and trying to keep on at work with me working out my notice but its hard.  I can feel myself sliding backwards again and I’m trying not to.  I’m trying to look super efficient at work and get things done but I’m terrified about my new impending job.  I’m trying to make more of an effort socially but it’s just draining me.  I’m trying to get back on the diet wagon but the idea of ‘depriving myself’ of crap foods makes me feel like life isn’t worth it.  I’m trying to see myself as he sees me but it just makes things worse.  The more he tells me how beautiful I am the more I feel ugly.

 

Which is just so fucking stupid and so ungrateful.

 

There are so many people going through crap at the moment and there’s nothing I can do to help them and so I feel sad and small.

 

Work is hell at the moment.  It’s like some sort of negativity vortex.. which is good at convincing me that going was exactly the right thing to do but also not good in that I still have to keep showing up and pretending to do things even though there isn’t a great deal I can do.  I’ve had three people crying in my office today about various terrible things that are going on…

 

My mom was talking about me retraining some time ago but I already have one worthless degree so what is the point in having another?

It’s funny… in that I still have the thing where I long for the annihilation of the planet and still think that the majority of human beings are just bags of meat.  When all this crap between America and Korea has gone off I haven’t been scared, it’s just made me feel more tired.  It just made me think ‘ugh but I bet that we’ll still survive and things will just be more effort and I’ll just get killed by supermutants trying to heat a can of beans’.  This is so selfish and inhuman and not right given that I know so many people I care for have kids etc etc…

 

But at the same time I love the idea of humanity getting wiped out.  The planet sorting itself out, destroying all the concrete….  What do we truly do to benefit anyone other than ourselves?

 

It’s not even a vindictive thought.  I’m not thinking about people suffering… just not existing anymore.  Which I guess is possibly more messed up.

 

I’m just so fucking tired and I’m sick of human beings and their self absorbed twattery bringing misery to themselves and others.

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She’s got issues

So I handed in my notice at my current job today.  Turns out that despite thinking that the interview for the one I went for was awful I got the job…  So I had the option of one closer to home on slightly less money that would (hopefully) give me more activity or to stay in this one where the ceiling has fallen in last year, we’ve had the heating on every day I’ve worked here and I’m bored witless.

 

I think the combination of the commute and not meeting my targets has been significantly contributing to fucking me up.  There’s also the way that when I handed in my sick note to say I had depression my boss didn’t even look at it or open up any dialogue about what he could do to help or to make sure that I’m doing okay.

 

Despite these things I still didn’t sleep last night because of running over all the possible things that could go wrong with handing it in, changing to the new job and what would happen as a result of leaving here.  My brain is so scared of change it’s untrue ¬_¬

 

This is also going to be my second week of not having had any counselling and I do miss it but I think I’m going to have to make the most of it as I think I’m going to have to stop when I start my new job.  I’m still not sure where precisely they’re going to put me.
So I went in and told my shell shocked boss what I’d wanted to tell him since Monday and he just accepted it and then I left his office.  Someone I work with was shocked that he didn’t put up a fight (one of the scenarios that kept me from sleep last night).  I think the thing is that even if he’d said I could work from home 100% of the time I wouldn’t have been happy.  I don’t have enough to do and unfortunately I’m not the kind of person who can just sit and take their pay and actively not care about being bored.

 

If I was that kind of person I could have sat here with a puzzle book and waited to get sacked.

 

So it’s done and I have a month left here to try and sort out all the shit I’ve been dealing with before I go.  I’m not going to miss this horrible building, I’m not going to miss the commute or the town that I work in…

 

Relationship wise things are good… which makes my brain suspicious.  It makes my brain actively look for ways to sabotage things.  Key example being that last weekend we’d had a really good time and then I decided to drop in a mention of not taking me forgranted which ended up triggering him (I couldn’t have known) and making him feel discontent for the rest of the evening ¬_¬  I just don’t know what my brain would accept as proof that he isn’t going to go anywhere as apparently him saying that he loves me isn’t good enough.

 

It’s also weird going out with someone who is as broken as I am and worries as much as I did.  During the first week we went out it was shark week and he mentioned to me last weekend that surely I should have been on by now.  Unfortunately my good man my uterus does not dance to a regular beat and was 2 weeks late last month ¬_¬  It was just odd to have it mentioned as a worry from a guy…  Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining it’s just interesting.

 

He’s depressive as well, has had suicidal thoughts as well..  He has told me that I’m the only thing holding me together but I haven’t said the same to him as I don’t want to put that pressure on him.

 

I’m so so so so fucking tired at the moment it’s untrue.  Yesterday and today I was practically falling asleep in the car on the drive to work.  I don’t know if this is because I’m getting over an illness or the depression fighting back.  I also haven’t been bothered to take any vitamin pills.
My diet is the worst thing ever at the moment.  I can barely fit into anything and am faced with the prospect of this new job and not wanting to spend a load on new clothes.  If I knuckled down to it and started cleaning up my diet then I could probably drop half a stone but unfortunately I just feel like I’m eating and drinking crap to survive.  Case in point yesterday when I had two cans of energy drink just to stop myself from nodding off at my desk.

 

I hate myself so much, I don’t see how this guy can see anything nice in me at all.  The joke of it is that he says the same about himself to me.  I’m hoping we can muddle through all this crap together.

 

Helping/not helping

So less than a week ago I woke up screaming because I’d had some kind of night terror.  I didn’t remember the dream, just the fear and then had that lingering ache all day.  Last night… no I remember the dream and I got woken up screaming again.

 

I know that this is my brain’s way of trying to process a lifetime’s worth of shit but I could do without twice in one week.

 

I know why it’s happening… I’m trying to make sense of my behaviour now by looking at what happened in the past.  So my brain is trying to be helpful and say ‘here you go, we’ll work on it all night for extra credit!  YAY!’ and then I’m having a dream about my ex, the person I thought I was a friend and trying to confront them in a pub full of a mixture of friends and colleagues.

 

Oh and picking the day that I have a job interview so I’ve had no sleep and I’m currently ill.  Extra points for that…

 

In a way I knew what I was in for in the dream.  I was the one who chose to be confrontational rather than sticking to what I’ve been doing in real life and avoiding the pair of them like the plague… not an easy feat when we have so many mutual friends its ridiculous.  I’ve managed though, it’s been nearly a year since I’ve had to see them.

 

In the dream I felt so confident and defiant and then it all just crumbled away when I got faced with an utter lack of remorse and amusement at me even thinking that’s what I’d get.  It finished with what I guess was a death blow in terms of emotional feelings… I should have just glassed the fucker.  We were in a pub in the dream.

 

In reality I know they’re a pair of cowards.  Unfortunately they’re cowards that can’t cope with not being the victim.  The only thing I have with him is that I was such a supportive and caring doormat he didn’t really have much ammo against me or at least that’s what I’ve been told by our millions of mutual friends… back when I asked.

 

My counselor says that I’m allowed to not be 100% ‘over it’ even though mutual friends have told me I should be by now.  Well maybe if I’d been told the truth from the off I’d have been able to process it rather than getting it in installments from people when they’d get pissed at parties and decide to tell me how much they knew was going on.

 

I’m tired and I don’t want to be ill and in a bad mood.  I am going to watch cartoons.

ALL the thoughts

So since my last update the guy that I launched myself upon at the weekend actually asked me out.  So I said yes.  Now we have ALL THE THOUGHTS.

Namely:

  • You are too ugly/fat/emotional to deserve a relationship
  • He’s going to go on a few dates with you and then work out how awful you are
  • He is a liar and just wants to use you

 

I have my own issues around this… especially relating to a lot of bullying I had when I was a teenager which was basically sexual harassment.  There’s also the fact that my ex did totally just use me for what I had in the end and lied to me for a couple of years… it’s not without precedent.

 

There’s also the thing of he has mental health issues as well and I’ve generally been horribly bias about this when looking at people’s profiles which I know is awful.  I just had the feeling that my stuff was probably bad enough and my tendency to mother people to death wouldn’t help if someone had their own problems.

 

That said, I got taught that everyone has mental health problems.  It’s a reason that I hide from anyone who says they’re a ‘normal guy’ looking for a ‘normal’ girl O_O  Yeah…  I think Bill Bailey said that when he asks who the ‘weirdos’ are in a crowd the people that respond positively are generally the most normal people going

 

So I’m trying to not think all the things and instead pretend that I have not had these horrible experiences and to see how it goes.  Chatting online is fun… but I can’t take the compliments.  It’s like my body doesn’t know how to react and the little goblin in my brain is looking at lots of controls going ‘HOW DO WE RESPOND TO THIS?!?’  Thankfully because it’s online I’m not sat in front of said person slackjawed.

 

Trying to be back on board with the diet… but I’m having to take things one day at a time -_-

 

Work… isn’t great.  Today I had a two hour appointment with the advisor who referred them basically sat watching me like a hawk.  Even though I had a lie in I ended up having to sleep for three hours because I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  This isn’t normal ¬_¬  I keep thinking for a moment that it’s my iron or there’s something wrong with me but I guess 80 blood tests can’t be wrong.

 

Applying for other jobs but I admit I’m probably just doing the scattergun approach rather than the bespoke, handcrafted arse kissery that employers seem to want nowadays.  Gods forbid anything should be wrong with my application to their advert that has been reposted 18 times and has spelling mistakes in it!

 

How can I still feel so damn tired after having a 3 hour sleep?!

 

There are also 2 guys that I’m speaking to online thanks to the dating site that I’m too cheap to delete my profile from.  One has suggested going somewhere but only taking one car because of parking… so now I’m trying to work out how to say ‘sorry but I need to take my own transport in case you murder me and bury me in a field’ in a way that doesn’t sound like that…

 

Oh and I had my first abuse message thanks to a dating site as well!  So achievement unlocked there.  Thanks for confirming the gut feeling that told me not to go for a drink with you!

How is this in my head?

I am so so so so so tired.  Like I feel like I can’t even lift my arms up.

 

I worked from home today so got a lie in compared to normal.  I had a 3ish hour meeting and then drove back home.

 

All I can visualise in my head is the blood test results showing there is naff all that is physically wrong with me.  Therefore this is my brain doing this to me and I don’t understand how.  How can it be making me feel this tired on its own?  I feel like I’m in some sort of virtual reality headset where my body is sat there wanting to go the gym, ready to run and then my mind is just hiding that from me.

 

The lying about why I was off continues.  It still links back to the fact I don’t want people to think I can’t cope.  But I can’t cope I guess which is why I’m where I am.

 

I don’t think it’s possible for anyone in the world to hate me as much as I hate myself. Or at least I hope not.  There isn’t a single thing in the world that I don’t beat myself up for.

 

My counsellor told me on my first appointment is that depression is just anger turned inwards and I think it makes a lot of sense.  There are a lot of things that have happened to me in my life that I think I’ve never got to be angry about… either because I didn’t know what was going on until it was too late (ex cheating with someone I considered a friend etc) or I wasn’t allowed to express it (daddy issues).  I suppose some of it is that you get too fucking tired to be angry.  The idea of being angry feels exhausting.

 

I keep getting asked by medical people if my sleep is alright and I’ve been thinking about that because they keep saying it’s quality over quantity.  I went to sleep at 12 last night and woke up at 7/8.  That’s not bad timewise and if I wasn’t working I would have kept going but still… here I am.

 

I can’t imagine that if I’d taken the medication they wanted to give me that I’d feel any less energetic.  I suppose I’d be more.. numb but I don’t see how that would help with my energy.  Again, brain chemistry.

 

My desparate urge is to go and grab caffiene but diet cola is the devil and I’m trying to stay away from it.  Trying to eat more healthy things… emphasis being trying.  I can hear it’s sweet song of promises from the shop down the road so it’s a good job I’m so tired.
When I last went to see my counsellor she asked me when I felt like this all started… I feel like when I was 10..  This means that for about 1/3 of my life I’ve not been plagued by mental health issues (as far as I can remember)… this 1/3 being inclusive of time when I was a baby.  Part of me worries that I won’t recognise myself if I do get sorted.  Part of me feels like feeling like utter shit, feeling in a black abyss is part of who I am.  Does that even make sense?