Helping/not helping

So less than a week ago I woke up screaming because I’d had some kind of night terror.  I didn’t remember the dream, just the fear and then had that lingering ache all day.  Last night… no I remember the dream and I got woken up screaming again.

 

I know that this is my brain’s way of trying to process a lifetime’s worth of shit but I could do without twice in one week.

 

I know why it’s happening… I’m trying to make sense of my behaviour now by looking at what happened in the past.  So my brain is trying to be helpful and say ‘here you go, we’ll work on it all night for extra credit!  YAY!’ and then I’m having a dream about my ex, the person I thought I was a friend and trying to confront them in a pub full of a mixture of friends and colleagues.

 

Oh and picking the day that I have a job interview so I’ve had no sleep and I’m currently ill.  Extra points for that…

 

In a way I knew what I was in for in the dream.  I was the one who chose to be confrontational rather than sticking to what I’ve been doing in real life and avoiding the pair of them like the plague… not an easy feat when we have so many mutual friends its ridiculous.  I’ve managed though, it’s been nearly a year since I’ve had to see them.

 

In the dream I felt so confident and defiant and then it all just crumbled away when I got faced with an utter lack of remorse and amusement at me even thinking that’s what I’d get.  It finished with what I guess was a death blow in terms of emotional feelings… I should have just glassed the fucker.  We were in a pub in the dream.

 

In reality I know they’re a pair of cowards.  Unfortunately they’re cowards that can’t cope with not being the victim.  The only thing I have with him is that I was such a supportive and caring doormat he didn’t really have much ammo against me or at least that’s what I’ve been told by our millions of mutual friends… back when I asked.

 

My counselor says that I’m allowed to not be 100% ‘over it’ even though mutual friends have told me I should be by now.  Well maybe if I’d been told the truth from the off I’d have been able to process it rather than getting it in installments from people when they’d get pissed at parties and decide to tell me how much they knew was going on.

 

I’m tired and I don’t want to be ill and in a bad mood.  I am going to watch cartoons.

ALL the thoughts

So since my last update the guy that I launched myself upon at the weekend actually asked me out.  So I said yes.  Now we have ALL THE THOUGHTS.

Namely:

  • You are too ugly/fat/emotional to deserve a relationship
  • He’s going to go on a few dates with you and then work out how awful you are
  • He is a liar and just wants to use you

 

I have my own issues around this… especially relating to a lot of bullying I had when I was a teenager which was basically sexual harassment.  There’s also the fact that my ex did totally just use me for what I had in the end and lied to me for a couple of years… it’s not without precedent.

 

There’s also the thing of he has mental health issues as well and I’ve generally been horribly bias about this when looking at people’s profiles which I know is awful.  I just had the feeling that my stuff was probably bad enough and my tendency to mother people to death wouldn’t help if someone had their own problems.

 

That said, I got taught that everyone has mental health problems.  It’s a reason that I hide from anyone who says they’re a ‘normal guy’ looking for a ‘normal’ girl O_O  Yeah…  I think Bill Bailey said that when he asks who the ‘weirdos’ are in a crowd the people that respond positively are generally the most normal people going

 

So I’m trying to not think all the things and instead pretend that I have not had these horrible experiences and to see how it goes.  Chatting online is fun… but I can’t take the compliments.  It’s like my body doesn’t know how to react and the little goblin in my brain is looking at lots of controls going ‘HOW DO WE RESPOND TO THIS?!?’  Thankfully because it’s online I’m not sat in front of said person slackjawed.

 

Trying to be back on board with the diet… but I’m having to take things one day at a time -_-

 

Work… isn’t great.  Today I had a two hour appointment with the advisor who referred them basically sat watching me like a hawk.  Even though I had a lie in I ended up having to sleep for three hours because I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  This isn’t normal ¬_¬  I keep thinking for a moment that it’s my iron or there’s something wrong with me but I guess 80 blood tests can’t be wrong.

 

Applying for other jobs but I admit I’m probably just doing the scattergun approach rather than the bespoke, handcrafted arse kissery that employers seem to want nowadays.  Gods forbid anything should be wrong with my application to their advert that has been reposted 18 times and has spelling mistakes in it!

 

How can I still feel so damn tired after having a 3 hour sleep?!

 

There are also 2 guys that I’m speaking to online thanks to the dating site that I’m too cheap to delete my profile from.  One has suggested going somewhere but only taking one car because of parking… so now I’m trying to work out how to say ‘sorry but I need to take my own transport in case you murder me and bury me in a field’ in a way that doesn’t sound like that…

 

Oh and I had my first abuse message thanks to a dating site as well!  So achievement unlocked there.  Thanks for confirming the gut feeling that told me not to go for a drink with you!

How is this in my head?

I am so so so so so tired.  Like I feel like I can’t even lift my arms up.

 

I worked from home today so got a lie in compared to normal.  I had a 3ish hour meeting and then drove back home.

 

All I can visualise in my head is the blood test results showing there is naff all that is physically wrong with me.  Therefore this is my brain doing this to me and I don’t understand how.  How can it be making me feel this tired on its own?  I feel like I’m in some sort of virtual reality headset where my body is sat there wanting to go the gym, ready to run and then my mind is just hiding that from me.

 

The lying about why I was off continues.  It still links back to the fact I don’t want people to think I can’t cope.  But I can’t cope I guess which is why I’m where I am.

 

I don’t think it’s possible for anyone in the world to hate me as much as I hate myself. Or at least I hope not.  There isn’t a single thing in the world that I don’t beat myself up for.

 

My counsellor told me on my first appointment is that depression is just anger turned inwards and I think it makes a lot of sense.  There are a lot of things that have happened to me in my life that I think I’ve never got to be angry about… either because I didn’t know what was going on until it was too late (ex cheating with someone I considered a friend etc) or I wasn’t allowed to express it (daddy issues).  I suppose some of it is that you get too fucking tired to be angry.  The idea of being angry feels exhausting.

 

I keep getting asked by medical people if my sleep is alright and I’ve been thinking about that because they keep saying it’s quality over quantity.  I went to sleep at 12 last night and woke up at 7/8.  That’s not bad timewise and if I wasn’t working I would have kept going but still… here I am.

 

I can’t imagine that if I’d taken the medication they wanted to give me that I’d feel any less energetic.  I suppose I’d be more.. numb but I don’t see how that would help with my energy.  Again, brain chemistry.

 

My desparate urge is to go and grab caffiene but diet cola is the devil and I’m trying to stay away from it.  Trying to eat more healthy things… emphasis being trying.  I can hear it’s sweet song of promises from the shop down the road so it’s a good job I’m so tired.
When I last went to see my counsellor she asked me when I felt like this all started… I feel like when I was 10..  This means that for about 1/3 of my life I’ve not been plagued by mental health issues (as far as I can remember)… this 1/3 being inclusive of time when I was a baby.  Part of me worries that I won’t recognise myself if I do get sorted.  Part of me feels like feeling like utter shit, feeling in a black abyss is part of who I am.  Does that even make sense?