Maelstrom in my mind

I don’t like feeling out of control which will amuse anyone who read about what I got up to while drunk the other weekend.  I think the thing is though that I was still in control, just the usual filter that I operate through had gone.

 

This weekend I have had to deal with socialising, possible romantic involvement and horrendous friendship politics.

 

Yesterday I got in a bit of a state (for a change).  What isn’t helping is that I’m 2 weeks late in having fallen to the communists which isn’t that out of the ordinary because of the coil I had fitted but is still disconcerting as hell.  It also means I’ve had a psychosomatic bad back for about five days now.  You also always have that worry that even though the coil is supposed to be more effective than most other things that you will be the case that proves the exception.  I did a test last night just in case and it came up negative… but again the voice goes ‘but what if it’s too early’.

 

So I’m shoving that in the corner of my mind.

 

I’m meeting with the guy I’ve been talking to soon.  He has issues, I have issues.  My main set of issues at the moment revolves around the fact that part of me is feeling like a 16 year old girl.  I genuinely have butterflies.  When he flirts with me I grin like an idiot.  Then sat next to the 16 year old is the jaded 45 year old who is sat with a newspaper, occasionally looking over the top and saying ‘you’re a fucking idiot, he’s lying to you’.

 

I’m still trying to process what my counselor said and what I know to be true in that I’ve been psychologically conditioned from a young age to be a carer, to be a people pleaser and someone who cares for others.  To be the strong one.  I’m concerned that part of this is coming from my need to mother and heal and the other part is coming from the intense loneliness that just wants to love and be loved.

 

One moment I feel like I’m just about to skip into feeling happy and optimistic and then I’m getting rugby tackled into the ground by my past.  I’ve always gone for the glass being half empty and believing that the worse case scenario is the one most likely to happen… because it generally does.  In my mind it’s just called being prepared.

 

I’m so fucking scared of being hurt and yet I know that’s part of the gamble with relationships.

I’m so fucking scared of loving someone and yet it’s all I want.

 

The shit taking tolerance is also at a new record low so unfortunately I’m telling unfortunate truths and taking names.  When you’ve been coached to lie about a dark family secret under pain of the apocalypse happening you become pretty good at lying and hiding what you’re truly thinking and feeling… apparently this is wearing off.  Everyone is telling me this is a good thing but if I just napalm my whole life I’m scared there’ll be nothing left to rebuild from.  I want to leave my job, I want to leave all the complications I have and just go and live in a monastry on a mountain for a bit… but I guess that wouldn’t help with the loneliness!

 

The weekend worked out though.  What I had originally written off as a ‘grandma weekend’ of sitting in with netflix and crafts (like the 50s+/dead on the inside version of netflix and chill) I ended up getting invited out at the last minute and made myself say yes.
Turns out dancing to the Venga Boys at 1am in a shitty club was exactly what I needed.

 

Just give me the strength to be brave with my job and be brave with trying to take a chance on this guy and I have to hope that maybe something will work out.  If I’m alone at least let me be happy in my job and be successful.  If I have a shitty job just please let me have someone to love and who actually fucking loves me.

 

Or even just help me process the fact someone even could.

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ALL the thoughts

So since my last update the guy that I launched myself upon at the weekend actually asked me out.  So I said yes.  Now we have ALL THE THOUGHTS.

Namely:

  • You are too ugly/fat/emotional to deserve a relationship
  • He’s going to go on a few dates with you and then work out how awful you are
  • He is a liar and just wants to use you

 

I have my own issues around this… especially relating to a lot of bullying I had when I was a teenager which was basically sexual harassment.  There’s also the fact that my ex did totally just use me for what I had in the end and lied to me for a couple of years… it’s not without precedent.

 

There’s also the thing of he has mental health issues as well and I’ve generally been horribly bias about this when looking at people’s profiles which I know is awful.  I just had the feeling that my stuff was probably bad enough and my tendency to mother people to death wouldn’t help if someone had their own problems.

 

That said, I got taught that everyone has mental health problems.  It’s a reason that I hide from anyone who says they’re a ‘normal guy’ looking for a ‘normal’ girl O_O  Yeah…  I think Bill Bailey said that when he asks who the ‘weirdos’ are in a crowd the people that respond positively are generally the most normal people going

 

So I’m trying to not think all the things and instead pretend that I have not had these horrible experiences and to see how it goes.  Chatting online is fun… but I can’t take the compliments.  It’s like my body doesn’t know how to react and the little goblin in my brain is looking at lots of controls going ‘HOW DO WE RESPOND TO THIS?!?’  Thankfully because it’s online I’m not sat in front of said person slackjawed.

 

Trying to be back on board with the diet… but I’m having to take things one day at a time -_-

 

Work… isn’t great.  Today I had a two hour appointment with the advisor who referred them basically sat watching me like a hawk.  Even though I had a lie in I ended up having to sleep for three hours because I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  This isn’t normal ¬_¬  I keep thinking for a moment that it’s my iron or there’s something wrong with me but I guess 80 blood tests can’t be wrong.

 

Applying for other jobs but I admit I’m probably just doing the scattergun approach rather than the bespoke, handcrafted arse kissery that employers seem to want nowadays.  Gods forbid anything should be wrong with my application to their advert that has been reposted 18 times and has spelling mistakes in it!

 

How can I still feel so damn tired after having a 3 hour sleep?!

 

There are also 2 guys that I’m speaking to online thanks to the dating site that I’m too cheap to delete my profile from.  One has suggested going somewhere but only taking one car because of parking… so now I’m trying to work out how to say ‘sorry but I need to take my own transport in case you murder me and bury me in a field’ in a way that doesn’t sound like that…

 

Oh and I had my first abuse message thanks to a dating site as well!  So achievement unlocked there.  Thanks for confirming the gut feeling that told me not to go for a drink with you!

Glass case of emotion

 

Friday was a bit… full on.  To say that I’m an introvert who is very good at pretending not to be an introvert it’s kind of no surprise to me that I essentially hid in the house yesterday and went out once only to buy cake.

 

Working from home… was basically me looking at the screen and realising that I need to get a new job.  There is nothing that I can physically change to make this job improve.  This means admitting defeat and means admitting that the great big gamble that I took leaving my corporate environment didn’t work out.  This is not something that I’m good at doing.  I do however think that at least if I could get my job sorted and work closer to home that it would make a big difference on where I am psychologically.

 

I went from the living hell of the corporate job straight into a full on job where all the pressure was on me.  I ended up crying all the way home on Friday and when I spoke to my mom about it she said I was ‘stressed out’.. my response was how could I be stressed when the whole thing was that I wasn’t doing enough work because the work isn’t there ‘how can you not hear how that is stressful?’

 

Went to counselling… talked about the work thing and my birthday coming up.  I said I feel like I should have things sorted now….  I know all the theory… I know that realistically turning the age I will be has no cosmic impact, I don’t level up with some sort of lightshow or anything like that, this is all IN MY HEAD.  This doesn’t seem to convince my head though.

 

I’m still overweight, I’m in a job that isn’t working and I am so so so single -_-  It’s not even about having kids.. I mean god if I wanted kids I’d be even more suicidal than I am now.

 

Literally went from crying at counselling to a leaving do for someone I used to work with in my corporate job.  This was full on Grin mastery.  I fixed my make up, stuffed down my emotions and then sashayed into that restaurant full of life and joy.  ‘Oh I’m fine!  Yes the job is brilliant, totally working out and so much better than X!’  ‘Me?  No there’s no one on the scene at the moment but it’s fine!’

 

It is not fine.

 

It also definitely isn’t fine when I drink ¬_¬  Still, I managed to get through the evening and only cried when I got back into the house, totally remembering the Catwoman from Tim Burton’s Batman.  ‘Honey I’m home… oh that’s right I don’t have a husband’.

 

So yes, full on self pity mode activated.

I did it though… I did the social thing and got away with it.

Work work work work work

I went back today.  Setting the alarm and waking up at 6.30 was more painless than I’d expected.

 

The drive to work was less so as my inner monologue went straight onto Grin bashing and bothering.

 

Got to work.  Inhaled.  Went up to see my boss clutching my dr’s note.  He took it off me and shoved it straight in his briefcase without looking.  It was then I had one of those moments where if it was a video game the cutscene would be paused and there are two options:

1 – Lie about what is actually on there and hope he doesn’t notice and/or look at it

2 – Deal with the situation.  Be honest

 

I chose number 2…  I think all those years at Catholic school make me masochistic.  He just looked at me when I told him that it was depression and that I was getting it sorted.  He changed the subject.  Which I guess is fine… but I’d been gearing myself up for a fight or something.
What I didn’t know is that it was a case of Grin’s brilliant timing (as usual) and about five minutes before I’d charged up there to declare my mental health problems someone had handed their notice in… so to say I wasn’t top of his priority list is an understatement.

I told him that I was going to try and work from home more, I can’t remember if I said I was having counselling or what I said but I said something like that.  Working from home didn’t go down very well… which I could understand if I didn’t live an hour’s drive away.  It was then that a line in the sand was drawn in my (broken) mind and I knew that if he was going to make me choose between my mental health and his job then he could get fucked.

 

So that was one down… still had to ring up my mentor who is ex-army and who I was sure was just going to tell me that depression was an excuse and a weakness.  Instead he was really supportive and helped me come up with a plan as to what I was going to occupy myself with.  I wanted to hug him down the phone.

 

I didn’t cry at either ‘outing’ of me and my many issues.  I obviously didn’t go into them in great detail but it was a fear I was going to.  It seriously felt like I was having to confess to being an alcoholic.  I just had visions of me going into work ‘Hi I’m Grin and I fantasise about dying and would rather be in bed with the curtains drawn than interacting with humanity’.  I suppose the problem is that everyone has their own theory/idea/schema about what depression is.

 

I didn’t tell any of my co-workers for fear that I would be the ‘depression lady’ or that it would be used to explain my behaviour at any given opportunity, write me off etc etc.  I didn’t want to be that person.  So I’ve spent most of the day lying.  It’s fine, I worked in customer services so I’ve got very adept at it.

 

I did however state proudly that I’m a ‘high functioning’ depressive.  I don’t know if it’s better or worse.  I guess what I was trying to say was ‘I can still work.  I need to live.  I bought expensive things for my house and I have a credit card’.

 

Now I want to sleep for a million billion years.  Instead I will productively shoot people in the head on FarCry 4.

I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth

I really need to learn the whole of that damn soliloquy.  It pops into my head a lot.  I didn’t get to do Hamlet in school but when we did Macbeth I got made to learn the ‘tomorrow’ one…  I still remember it.  I also remember being marked down by the teacher because I hadn’t put the punctuation in the right place… yeah she was a bitch.

 

Apparently the main bit about Hamlet is the way it looks at depression and that soliloquy pretty much sums it up.

 

Friday night was not good.  I was trying to sleep and couldn’t.  I wanted the complete void that comes with sleep.  I remember when I fainted for the first time when I was a teenager the way the black spots expanded and then there was… nothing.  Just black.  I was somehow still aware in there somewhere but there were no thoughts.  It was like I was put on pause.  I woke up on the floor with one of my fellow co-workers looming over me.  The main thing I remembered was the peace.  I suppose this is something you can achieve with an isolation tank and some meditation but I’ve never found it again.

 

It’s why I laughed at one of my atheist friends when he said the only reason people have religion is because they’re scared of dying.  Not true with me.  If I get to the other side and there is just that same blackness I’ll be happy.

 

I had to go to a friend’s party.  It’s an excellent example of my game face.  I rolled up exactly on time [after getting there early to fix my make up because I’d been crying in the car on the 3 hour drive].  I drank with the rest of them, making conversation with people I hadn’t met before that night [buying my own drinks, no alcohol thanks], I sang along to the band we went to see and bought other people drinks [the whole time feeling like I was in an insolation bubble where the music wasn’t touching me, the people around me were lollipop sticks with faces painted on].

 

I’m terrified I’m going to lose my job for being off ill for two weeks.  Especially as I don’t want to disclose the reason why as saying you have depression is pretty much saying ‘unreliable’ and ‘weak’.  They ignore the fact that you’ve been dragging yourself through a mental swamp for years with pure stubbornness.  They ignore that you’ve been selling yourself every day, all day and not showing a hint of the fact every day on the drive home you’ve been considering smashing your car into the crash barrier at 70mph.  But you don’t because you might just end up in hospital with no car and other people’s deaths on your conscience.

 

Part of me, some weird masochistic part I guess, loves the fact I’ve been ‘getting away with it’.  Like it somehow makes me even stronger that I have all this horrendous shit in me and no one can see it.  I think it links in to a lot of stuff in the past.. no doubt the counselling will let me know.

 

So I’m off to learn this soliloquy… good excuse to watch the David Tennant version of Hamlet again.