Festive thoughts

So all over Xmas eve and Xmas day I felt like I was getting punched in the face by emotions.

 

I am in no way Christian but I ended up at church and found myself welling up at every single thing.  I went to my family gathering and got overwhelmed by the people and by my aunt saying to me in a very meaningful way ‘look after yourself’ when I said goodbye.  We watched Zootropolis (of all things) and I got teared up.

 

I finally got to bed and got to be (relatively) alone with my thoughts that night and I started crying because I finally had the space enough to realise why.  It’s because in the back of my mind the entire time my brain was sending the hidden message of ‘you nearly weren’t here’.

 

I wouldn’t have spent Xmas with my boyfriend because I wouldn’t have met him.  I wouldn’t have spent Xmas day with my dorky and amazingly weird family (who I love) because I’d be dead.  I can’t imagine my mom would have spent it with them either… or I would have been the literal ghost at the feast.

 

So I cried and I woke him up even though I was trying not to.  And this foolish man told me how much he loved me, how much he wanted to stay with me.  More crying followed.

 

This year has been a bitch.  But I got him.

 

I got this man that can’t understand why telling me all these lovely things makes me cry and I realised it’s because I went from spending 7 years with someone who didn’t want to commit to anything (least of all me), to someone who wears their heart on their sleeve.  I was worried he was just in it for an easy ride so then the fates stripped things away and made my life harder… and he was still there.

 

I have a constant fear that my stability and the things that make me happy will go away, courtesy of my childhood…  I can’t help from feeling that and it isn’t something that I can easily fix.  All I can do is hope that I’m wrong about him and hope for the best when it comes to this new job.

 

 

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What’s the date again?

So I’m now 3 weeks going on 4 weeks into redundancy and my savings have taken the first hit on a salary free month.  Given Xmas is next month I’m not feeling incredibly optimistic.

 

My appetite is lurching between 0 and 1000 and not helping matters any.

 

I keep getting ‘job blindness’ where I find that I’m applying for all sorts of shitty things that, when examined under the cold light of day, are unsuitable or don’t pay enough.  But then I find myself torn between ‘well you want to eat don’t you?!’ and ‘I don’t want to work till 8pm’.

 

It’s been rubbing my boyfriend up the wrong way as he’s always worked jobs with unsociable hours and they’ve always been hard jobs and then there’s me whining about one where you finish at 8 and have to work some weekends.  I know I’ve been lucky but then I’ve put the work in to get my career to that place.

 

I’ve gone back begging to my old old job that was in a very corporate environment but when I look back through rose tinted glasses seems like an amazing opportunity that I wasted… but then I remember coming home for days in tears and being so angry at one incident that I got up from my desk and left.

 

People keep telling me that I need to ‘enjoy this break’ and ‘find out what I want to do’.

 

Yeah great.  That will pay the bills I’m sure.

 

I have massive complexes when it comes to money… to the point I’d be standing in a queue to buy a £5 DVD going hot and cold and feeling my stomach churn.  I got better but now I’m afraid it’s going to start coming back.  Weirdly… it has but not when it comes to buying presents for Xmas…

 

I’ve still hardly told anyone.  Some of it is still my confusion over whether I can without being sued but the majority of it is this overriding sense of shame that makes it difficult.  I feel like I risked too much making my first career leap but when I look back I could see everyone was pushing me in that direction and I wanted to try and break out of that shitty situation and my comfort zone.  I left my job at the old place but at the same time it’s being pointed out to me that if I’d just put up and shut up for a bit longer then my last company would have gone bump while I was happily sat still getting employed on a decent wage for doing fuck all.

 

I feel like shit.  I feel like a massive leech.  I do genuinely feel like dole scum.

 

I’m trying to get out every day and trying to walk everywhere again to try and get my fitness back up but my main urge is to hide under the duvet.

 

The whole time I’m here I’m just imagining a universe where this is happened and I’m still single.  I genuinely think that would have been it.. but then what kind of pressure is that on a relationship?  I just imagine the situation with how I’d been feeling and then having my job ripped away… yeah I’d be severely hammering the quit button.  It’s difficult though as I saw a video of a man who survived crashing at 110mph so even if I’d tried that route it might not have worked.

 

My head feels like it’s about to explode.

 

I’m torn between one argument where I feel I should just accept any job and be grateful and the other half of me that says that there’s no point jumping to something for the sake of it if means that I’m miserable.

Progress

Everyone keeps telling me that I’m making it and yet I don’t feel that’s so much the case.

 

I suppose I’m getting better at analysing where my feelings are coming from and trying to recognise earlier when I’m starting to slip backwards.  I’m under no illusions that I’ll ever be 100% ‘fixed’.  I don’t think this is the kind of thing you get fixed from.  I also don’t know if I’m expecting too much from so short a time.  Over half my life has been interrupted continuously by wanting to die, depression and dark horrible moods.  I’ve only really been looking for help since June.

 

Sometimes I wonder how much people see of this progress is because they want to see it.  I have no idea.

 

Inside, I still hate myself.  I catch myself in the middle of a happy moment hearing my own voice and realising I how fucking stupid I sound.  Or I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wonder how the hell anyone can think I’m remotely attractive.  Then I feel that horrible dark sinking feeling again.

 

I’ve really been done with people this past week.  I don’t know how much of that has come from the fact that I had literally nothing to do at work.  I sat and did puzzles for six hours one day.  There is literally nothing I can do but I didn’t want to just stay at home given my boss was such an arse the other week.  The boredom won’t be helping.  The stress of about fifteen other people’s things won’t be helping either.

 

I cried on Friday night because I told my new other half that I just kept waiting for him to suddenly realise how ugly and needy I am and leave.  Today, the voice in my head keeps telling me to imagine life if he does suddenly go and that all consuming loneliness comes back.  It also told me to break up with him because he has his own baggage etc etc etc.  So I know the voice is full of shit.

 

I feel like I’m living in an alternative universe that exists very close to another one in which I’m dead.  Sometimes the awareness of it bleeds into my mind and I see the situation I’ll be in from the POV of what would have happened if I’d managed to kill myself.

 

Someone I used to be really close to, who would purport to be my best friend is soon to be cut out of my life.  I realised last week that she interacted with me that little that I don’t think she’d even notice if I’d done it.  She had no idea how low I was feeling.  Of course very few people did and that was part of my achievement but still…

 

I keep being told to be more selfish and to stop taking other people’s problems onboard but I love taking care of people… it’s my whole thing.  I’m trying to make bolder decisions but then I get crippled by guilt.

 

I just hope this move with my job is for the best.

She’s got issues

So I handed in my notice at my current job today.  Turns out that despite thinking that the interview for the one I went for was awful I got the job…  So I had the option of one closer to home on slightly less money that would (hopefully) give me more activity or to stay in this one where the ceiling has fallen in last year, we’ve had the heating on every day I’ve worked here and I’m bored witless.

 

I think the combination of the commute and not meeting my targets has been significantly contributing to fucking me up.  There’s also the way that when I handed in my sick note to say I had depression my boss didn’t even look at it or open up any dialogue about what he could do to help or to make sure that I’m doing okay.

 

Despite these things I still didn’t sleep last night because of running over all the possible things that could go wrong with handing it in, changing to the new job and what would happen as a result of leaving here.  My brain is so scared of change it’s untrue ¬_¬

 

This is also going to be my second week of not having had any counselling and I do miss it but I think I’m going to have to make the most of it as I think I’m going to have to stop when I start my new job.  I’m still not sure where precisely they’re going to put me.
So I went in and told my shell shocked boss what I’d wanted to tell him since Monday and he just accepted it and then I left his office.  Someone I work with was shocked that he didn’t put up a fight (one of the scenarios that kept me from sleep last night).  I think the thing is that even if he’d said I could work from home 100% of the time I wouldn’t have been happy.  I don’t have enough to do and unfortunately I’m not the kind of person who can just sit and take their pay and actively not care about being bored.

 

If I was that kind of person I could have sat here with a puzzle book and waited to get sacked.

 

So it’s done and I have a month left here to try and sort out all the shit I’ve been dealing with before I go.  I’m not going to miss this horrible building, I’m not going to miss the commute or the town that I work in…

 

Relationship wise things are good… which makes my brain suspicious.  It makes my brain actively look for ways to sabotage things.  Key example being that last weekend we’d had a really good time and then I decided to drop in a mention of not taking me forgranted which ended up triggering him (I couldn’t have known) and making him feel discontent for the rest of the evening ¬_¬  I just don’t know what my brain would accept as proof that he isn’t going to go anywhere as apparently him saying that he loves me isn’t good enough.

 

It’s also weird going out with someone who is as broken as I am and worries as much as I did.  During the first week we went out it was shark week and he mentioned to me last weekend that surely I should have been on by now.  Unfortunately my good man my uterus does not dance to a regular beat and was 2 weeks late last month ¬_¬  It was just odd to have it mentioned as a worry from a guy…  Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining it’s just interesting.

 

He’s depressive as well, has had suicidal thoughts as well..  He has told me that I’m the only thing holding me together but I haven’t said the same to him as I don’t want to put that pressure on him.

 

I’m so so so so fucking tired at the moment it’s untrue.  Yesterday and today I was practically falling asleep in the car on the drive to work.  I don’t know if this is because I’m getting over an illness or the depression fighting back.  I also haven’t been bothered to take any vitamin pills.
My diet is the worst thing ever at the moment.  I can barely fit into anything and am faced with the prospect of this new job and not wanting to spend a load on new clothes.  If I knuckled down to it and started cleaning up my diet then I could probably drop half a stone but unfortunately I just feel like I’m eating and drinking crap to survive.  Case in point yesterday when I had two cans of energy drink just to stop myself from nodding off at my desk.

 

I hate myself so much, I don’t see how this guy can see anything nice in me at all.  The joke of it is that he says the same about himself to me.  I’m hoping we can muddle through all this crap together.

 

Love and fear

 

So I had a moment on the weekend when I was taking some water out of the fridge and in that moment I realised that I was actually content and happy, bordering on a slight urge to skip.  As soon as I came to this realisation a sledgehammer of fear and worry hit me.  The voice said to me ‘aaaah but you’ve been happy before and it never lasts’.  It sucked some of that joy away.

 

When I went to counselling we ‘unpacked’ why I’d felt fear on seeing my ex and the other cunt.  I saw him crossing the road literally a week or so later and didn’t run him over with my car and also didn’t feel that same icy fear.  She said that she thought it was some previous experience that triggered it rather than them themselves.  I think it’s to do with the nightmare that I’d had about them.

 

I ended up meeting the new man’s family which was also fear inducing.  The plan had been to hide from the world in my house all weekend so I was fully looking forward to being in introvert mode in a duvet fort… and then I get told that I’m invited to a family gathering and he wants me to go.  The day before it was due to happen.  Panic ensues.

 

I’m not good with surprise social gatherings… I have in fact lied in the past to get out of them because it means having to psych myself up and change my mindset.  Let alone one that’s one of these Milestone things…  But I went.  They were nice… but it’s all very strange.  I’m yet to know if I haven’t passed the test.

 

I keep finding myself swinging between love and fear constantly.  I hate that I don’t trust this man because I DO trust this man.  Hell, I love this man even though none of this makes any sense…  But then I keep waiting for him to go.  He says he isn’t going anywhere, he has shown me to his family… I know he’s talked about me to them as his dad commented about where I worked and my garden without me having mentioned it to them…  And yet my brain keeps throwing up images of him telling me that he’s going, that he’s decided this is all wrong.

 

I’m so terrified and it’s all my own brain that’s doing it.

 

I just keep remembering that intense, awful loneliness and the wanting to die and the feeling so awful and I’m so scared that I may have to go back to that.  I know that’s the risk with any relationship but… I don’t know.  I’m scared to tell people I’m seeing someone in case he suddenly disappears in a puff of smoke but we’ve been seeing each other for about 4 weeks now and it feels like 4 years…  Is this just oxytocin or is this a thing?

 

We talked about suicide and about how he’d been sucked into those feelings not too long ago.  It was odd hearing him talk about it and awful.  Just like the thoughts I’d had at the festival where I suddenly realised that I nearly wasn’t there… I was imagining that he had pulled it off and I’d never have met him.

 

I’m so scared of losing an actual form of happiness that I’m now scared that the fear is going to be the thing that does it.  We’re trying to be honest and that’s all I can do.  He knows that I love him and I know I will say it but I just… can’t.  Not at the moment.  I’m just so scared of being used again and of having all of my love and compassion thrown back in my face… that was to be honest about as much of a betrayal to me as the cheating itself…  that my ex accused me of treating him like a ‘pet’ and smothering him.

 

I’m so tried… all the fucking time.  I’m tired of fighting how I feel out of fear

 

 

Help me think I’m somebody else

So I’m still alive.  Just really, really tired.

 

After spending almost a continuous week together I suddenly was away for 5 days and it left me and my new found lover guy separated.  It wasn’t the best timing as I’m apparently the only thing helping him keep things together.

 

He was sent for immediate counselling as soon as he registered with his new Drs and whoever the counsellor was basically ripped open all the wounds he was trying to keep shut so he can function for the time being.  He needs to find a new job and get his life established up here so he hasn’t got the luxury of being able to fall apart for a bit like I did.

 

We ended up on the phone at one point because he had got himself into a state in the way that I do.  In some ways it’s a blessing and a curse that he’s effectively the male version of me.  For a short time I was scared he was going to end things and the idea of the one light I have at the moment disappearing…. it was like I could feel my soul tightening up.

 

The whole (short) time we have been together has made me realise that I’m not used to being loved.  I’m not used to having someone want to do things for me and treat me.  I’m not used to having a guy want to shower me in affection.  I’m trying to get better at accepting it and it’s hard.

 

While I’m sat in my mental headspace with my depression voice telling me ‘he’s going to leave, he doesn’t love you, he’s taking you for a fool’ he’s also sat a couple of miles away with exactly the same thing.

 

We’ve got thrown together so fast but it feels like I’ve known him forever and the logical part of my brain is having a meltdown over it.

 

All I know is that when I’ve seen him I’m not thinking of driving into the crash barrier at 100mph on the way to work anymore.

 

It would be so much easier to be dead.  But then I was watching this amazing band on the weekend after spending the day laughing with friends and I realised that I was nearly not there for this.  Even this moment right now when I’m typing… if I’d actually done what I wanted to do in June then I wouldn’t be here.

 

I’m not saying that things have outweighed that because they haven’t…  I’m still tired, I still hate myself but I suppose the actual continual suicidal thoughts have lessened off.

 

I was stood watching the band, trying to visualise what the time would have been like if I wasn’t there.  Short of the practicality side of me not being there to give a lift to some of my friends, would they actually have noticed the fact I wasn’t there?  Would it have made an impact on their experience…?  I find it hard to believe…

 

I made friends with a lady while I was there that was just starting off into a new relationship too and she was just as scared as I was.  She couldn’t see why he would find anything redeeming or attractive about her just like I can’t see it in relation to me.  I think part of me feels like he’s just after the security I can give him because there’s no other reason he’d possibly like me.

 

I’ve seen photos of myself at the weekend and I just… I can’t describe how much I hate myself.  I spent the whole time trying to hide from the camera and throw things in front of my face.  It reminds me of the time that a group of my friends were doing ‘fugly’ selfies as a joke and they got angry with me because I wouldn’t do it.  I wouldn’t do it because I always feel like that, I don’t need any extra help.

 

The job that I went for have asked me to tell them when I’m free so I can do a teleconference thing but I just wonder if they’re going to turn into another shambles like this job is.  At least it would be a shamble closer to home I suppose.  It would also have the corporate safety blanket involved.

 

I’m so tired I feel like falling asleep at my desk.  I want to sleep but I promised myself I’d start going back to dance class and have told everyone I’m going tonight.  It’s only an hour and hopefully they’ll be easy on me because I’ve said what I’m like.

 

On the weekend some nobs invaded our site and were joking about this D list celebrity who had killed himself and I had to walk away.  People are fucking idiots.  I just wanted to tell them that it’s not funny.  People being pushed to the brink isn’t funny.  Deciding that the best option for the whole planet is for you to be removed from it isn’t hilarious…  I didn’t because I felt disassociated with it because of wanting to shoot myself.  I’m not great at tying knots so hanging didn’t really have that resonance with me… that and a lack of accessible places to try and hang from to do it properly.  Haven’t got the right stair rails…

 

But then if I had… I would never have met Him… I wouldn’t have had 7 orgasms last night and I wouldn’t know that I was capable of experiencing the relationship I’m in right now.

 

My head is such a mess… I feel so fucking lost.  I just want to hide with him.

I’m scared

So last night/this morning I woke myself up because I was having a full on night terror involving me screaming and thrashing around in the bed.  The working theory is that this is good.  The unworking theory is that this is me almost being possessed by evil spirits so we’ll see how it goes tonight -_-

 

I’ve spent the whole day walking round feeling like I’ve been kicked in the solar plexus all night.  I don’t know what that’s about either.
What I do know is that I’m hiding from my job and everything to do with it.  I’m trying to make myself hold out until the other side of some days off I have booked but we’ll see -_-  I just want to go to the Drs and get signed off…

 

WHICH REMINDS ME!

 

The good old NHS is definitely trying to finish me off!  See series of events:

June – Initial going to Dr, Dr suggests doing referral to therapy

June.2 – Do three referrals, each wanting me to go into exquisite detail about how I wanted to kill myself, what my plans were etc.  Their response: KTHNX we will contact you in a month for your phone assessment

July – A month on.  Asked to go through everything on the phone AGAIN, in detail AGAIN.  Left in a state, told to phone Samaritans because it will take 3 weeks for me to be seen

July.2 – Letter sent with everything I had said (including most of the horrible detail) sent out in the post to my house.  Again confirming it will take 3 weeks to be seen by anyone

2017-07-28 15.43.36-1.jpg

 

Gee thanks NHS.  This is really what I needed to read, unexpectedly on the way out the door while I’m trying to get on with my fucking life that you seem determined to remind me that I want to fucking end.

 

As is the theme of recent days… I GOT FUCKING PISSED OFF ABOUT IT

 

 

Especially because someone I know’s friend killed herself.  She was trying to get help.  The help never came.  Are we surprised?  I get so fucking angry.  It’s like.. if you just want us all to die and decrease the burden on the population then at least do what the Roman state did and give us the means to go out with dignity.  Otherwise, if you want people to live then HELP THEM.

 

Ranting aside…

 

Guy problems.  Because I am 100% a 16 year old girl and not someone who should be married with 5 kids already.

 

I apparently literally cannot handle being complimented.  My brain freezes up.  So I’m currently stuck in this world of ‘WTF do I do?!’ and ‘he is totally lying.  He is manipulating you’.  I get the impression he’s been like me… stuck with a lot of affection to give someone and not having an outlet for it.  The issue is that to me, my inner voice is processing it as being insincere and overwhelming.

 

I think what is most terrifying me is because I feel a genuine connection to this person.  We technically spent the weekend amongst friends and chatting and socialising etc so even though we’re going on a Date it’s still not like the internet where we’ve not met at all before.  I’m scared that this connection I feel is just my intense loneliness coming at me from another angle.  I feel like I’m trying to trick myself out of feeling miserable.  I just don’t want to end up in another shitty relationship but then the only way you find that out is to give it a go.

 

Oh and there is the usual of me being too fat and ugly to qualify being worthy of love… which I keep being told is untrue but I don’t feel that on the inside.