I’d thought that being in a relationship would help me with my depression and while it has and while it has definitely helped cut down on the suicidal thoughts what has ramped up to replace them is self loathing.
It doesn’t help that we’ve both been comfort eating so my weight is piling on and I haven’t had the energy to go to the gym or do anything but comfort eat. I’m trying to make a mental resolution to draw a line under it but it isn’t easy. I’m trying to get my head straight so I can drop at least some of this weight before the end of the year but keep getting put off by the fact that I was telling myself this in January and I just got fatter.
He keeps telling me that I’m beautiful and that he loves me but I just can’t see why. My brain constantly reminds me of the fact I probably look terrible while we’re having sex, that he can see my double chin really badly from the angle he’s sat at on the sofa… that if I was thinner I could wear all the nerdy shirts in my wardrobe that are currently neglected.
It’s weird because he says the same about himself, that he can’t understand how I can think he’s attractive… Sometimes we are just too strangely similar.
I was thinking the other day about how when I composed my mental list of attributes that I wanted my other half to have that, while he does tick so many, there are a few that he doesn’t. But then when I examined the ones he didn’t it was all stuff that I had an issue with myself about. Like I couldn’t cope with someone who had the same flaws as me or that reminded me of bad things from the past. And yet here I am. In love with this goofy man.
I’m trying to support him at the moment and trying to keep on at work with me working out my notice but its hard. I can feel myself sliding backwards again and I’m trying not to. I’m trying to look super efficient at work and get things done but I’m terrified about my new impending job. I’m trying to make more of an effort socially but it’s just draining me. I’m trying to get back on the diet wagon but the idea of ‘depriving myself’ of crap foods makes me feel like life isn’t worth it. I’m trying to see myself as he sees me but it just makes things worse. The more he tells me how beautiful I am the more I feel ugly.
Which is just so fucking stupid and so ungrateful.
There are so many people going through crap at the moment and there’s nothing I can do to help them and so I feel sad and small.
Work is hell at the moment. It’s like some sort of negativity vortex.. which is good at convincing me that going was exactly the right thing to do but also not good in that I still have to keep showing up and pretending to do things even though there isn’t a great deal I can do. I’ve had three people crying in my office today about various terrible things that are going on…
My mom was talking about me retraining some time ago but I already have one worthless degree so what is the point in having another?
It’s funny… in that I still have the thing where I long for the annihilation of the planet and still think that the majority of human beings are just bags of meat. When all this crap between America and Korea has gone off I haven’t been scared, it’s just made me feel more tired. It just made me think ‘ugh but I bet that we’ll still survive and things will just be more effort and I’ll just get killed by supermutants trying to heat a can of beans’. This is so selfish and inhuman and not right given that I know so many people I care for have kids etc etc…
But at the same time I love the idea of humanity getting wiped out. The planet sorting itself out, destroying all the concrete…. What do we truly do to benefit anyone other than ourselves?
It’s not even a vindictive thought. I’m not thinking about people suffering… just not existing anymore. Which I guess is possibly more messed up.
I’m just so fucking tired and I’m sick of human beings and their self absorbed twattery bringing misery to themselves and others.