Twirling, twirling towards freedom

So I’ve ended up using ‘leave out all the rest’ like a sound bath and just kept listening to the damn thing over and over to try and get it out of my head… and it hasn’t worked.  I’ve just been crying a lot.

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can’t be who you are

My mind is flying around all over the place.  I’ve spent most of the day crying.  Most of driving home crying.  I feel like if one piece of things could be going well then maybe it might help me crawl away from the abyss.

 

Counsellor suggested going on meds when I went on Friday but I’m terrified.  I don’t want another problem and I’m scared of getting addicted to tablets.  I’m scared of feeling better, even just for a minute and then that all melting away and I’m in the same situation as before.  Counselor says that maybe I need the space to try and help out the part of me that is trying to be productive and unbroken.. I don’t know.

 

I’m feeling so bad again.  I shouldn’t be thinking about how fast and efficient the train is and how it would be pretty instant if I did throw myself under it when I’m coming back the day after my birthday.  I shouldn’t be fantasizing about driving into the crash barrier on the motorway at 90mph.  The reason I haven’t done these things is because I’d want as few people to be dragged into my leaving the world as possible.  I don’t want the guy who has to hose me off the front of the train to have this pain and crap that I feel.  I know that once I’m dead I’ll be devoid of any kind of feeling at all, good and bad… but at the moment that fucking nothingness looks like heaven.  As much as I believe in an after life a nice black void of oblivion would be ace thanks very much.

 

Part of what I’ve discussed with her is my rampant need for perfectionism and to be doing better than everyone else… even though I’m not.  She asked me where I thought it comes from and I really don’t know.  My mom is pushy, I know that much.  I can remember being sad that I got a low grade in DT at secondary school and her badgering me into going to the teacher and asking what I could do to improve because that’s what she did.  I did and I wanted the ground to swallow me up.  Never again.

 

Part of my issues is this job driving me slowly up the wall (the crumbling, badly painted wall that has damp…).  She has suggested considering leaving and downgrading to a job that pays less and immediately my perfectionist sensibilities flare up in horror.  No.  I have to be doing better than my friends.  I have to not be dependent on anyone.  I have to be doing better.  It’s so stupid but it’s how I feel.

 

I keep saying that I want to find a guy who earns more than me, mainly because of the fact my ex was a financial drain… however when anyone buys anything for me I can’t cope with it.  When I did date a guy who earnt a shitload more than me I didn’t know how to react.  Suddenly I was definitely inferior, now I was the one who might be seen as the leech.  Grin feels suddenly horrendously uncomfortable.

 

Then suddenly… random guy I kissed on Saturday asks me out.  This does not happen to me.  This makes me suspicious.  This makes the voice in my head that tells me all the negative shit how he is obviously just after my resources and doesn’t like me as a person. I am too fat to be in a relationship.  I am too needy.  I will destroy this and blow it out of proportion.  I will end up in a shitty relationship again.

 

And then as soon as I’m done thinking that I’m crying because I feel so fucking alone.

 

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you

 

Don’t date

Or at least not while you’re suffering from depression.

 

If you do then you’ll find yourself driving to Asda at 1am to buy pizza because you didn’t have time to eat between your first counselling session and a date that went badly.  The fact it went badly will feel like it has confirmed all the terrible things you say about yourself.  You will drive fast and play David Bowie obscenely loudly and scare the guy driving an Audi in front of you.

 

This is of course after crying for two hours.  I’m glad I bought a gel eye mask recently so I don’t look like I’ve had an allergic reaction tomorrow.

 

The kicker to this is that I have this theory where I feel like I shouldn’t give up trying until I’m ‘fixed’.  But after tonight…  I thought it was going well, apparently it wasn’t.

 

I spent two hours screaming at the universe and asking why I was alive.  Would the void kindly like to explain why I was alive when I was more than happy to be dead.  If some sort of body/energy/life force swap was available then surely it would be fair for some poor terminally ill kid to have my life energy and I could die for them.  Surely there is some parent somewhere wishing for this.  Why can’t I donate my life energy like I could do with a kidney?  Or maybe that’s the most selfless way to commit suicide.  I could sign up to every spare organ donation thing going (bone marrow, kidney… lung?) and hope it goes wrong for me so they get my organ, I die… everyone is happy.

 

So I did all of my screaming, crying and full on tantruming about the fact I’m too much of a pussy to kill myself and the forces of the universe won’t just wipe me off the face of the earth.

 

Got up off the floor, started laughing manically and now I’ve just eaten a pizza at 2am.  I’m going to try and stay up till the sun comes up.

 

If there really is a reason why I’m alive I’d really like to know.  Till then I guess there is 1am pizza.

I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth

I really need to learn the whole of that damn soliloquy.  It pops into my head a lot.  I didn’t get to do Hamlet in school but when we did Macbeth I got made to learn the ‘tomorrow’ one…  I still remember it.  I also remember being marked down by the teacher because I hadn’t put the punctuation in the right place… yeah she was a bitch.

 

Apparently the main bit about Hamlet is the way it looks at depression and that soliloquy pretty much sums it up.

 

Friday night was not good.  I was trying to sleep and couldn’t.  I wanted the complete void that comes with sleep.  I remember when I fainted for the first time when I was a teenager the way the black spots expanded and then there was… nothing.  Just black.  I was somehow still aware in there somewhere but there were no thoughts.  It was like I was put on pause.  I woke up on the floor with one of my fellow co-workers looming over me.  The main thing I remembered was the peace.  I suppose this is something you can achieve with an isolation tank and some meditation but I’ve never found it again.

 

It’s why I laughed at one of my atheist friends when he said the only reason people have religion is because they’re scared of dying.  Not true with me.  If I get to the other side and there is just that same blackness I’ll be happy.

 

I had to go to a friend’s party.  It’s an excellent example of my game face.  I rolled up exactly on time [after getting there early to fix my make up because I’d been crying in the car on the 3 hour drive].  I drank with the rest of them, making conversation with people I hadn’t met before that night [buying my own drinks, no alcohol thanks], I sang along to the band we went to see and bought other people drinks [the whole time feeling like I was in an insolation bubble where the music wasn’t touching me, the people around me were lollipop sticks with faces painted on].

 

I’m terrified I’m going to lose my job for being off ill for two weeks.  Especially as I don’t want to disclose the reason why as saying you have depression is pretty much saying ‘unreliable’ and ‘weak’.  They ignore the fact that you’ve been dragging yourself through a mental swamp for years with pure stubbornness.  They ignore that you’ve been selling yourself every day, all day and not showing a hint of the fact every day on the drive home you’ve been considering smashing your car into the crash barrier at 70mph.  But you don’t because you might just end up in hospital with no car and other people’s deaths on your conscience.

 

Part of me, some weird masochistic part I guess, loves the fact I’ve been ‘getting away with it’.  Like it somehow makes me even stronger that I have all this horrendous shit in me and no one can see it.  I think it links in to a lot of stuff in the past.. no doubt the counselling will let me know.

 

So I’m off to learn this soliloquy… good excuse to watch the David Tennant version of Hamlet again.