So we have been together 3 years, 4 in August this year. We don’t argue. We can disagree on stuff and get raised voices sometimes but we don’t do the slanging match fights.
Not till today.
We had a 3 hour fight. I had to text in sick to work because we were still in the thick of it and I was supposed to be in a meeting. I was crying so hard I couldn’t speak. He screamed at me and accusing me of being like his ex. I was pointing out I literally speak to no other human being but him ALL DAY EVERY DAY became plague island aka England is still locked down.
Fucking hell it was awful. I do not enjoy confrontation because it reminds me too much of my dad. I’ve found that lingering a lot for the rest of the day. The dog had fucked up and chewed something of my husband’s and my first thought was of him hurting the dog. My husband would never do that. My dad once threw our dog over a 6ft fence because she wouldn’t stop barking (I told my mom when she came home, her comment was he had once done the same to the dog she had when they first met. That pretty much sums their marriage up).
It was a weird experience riding the waves. First of fear, then of anger, then the adrenaline wore off and the panic attacks came in. I ended up shotgunning chocolate into my face, in my fluffy robe watching the second care beard film from the 80s.
What was this argument about? I’d dared to suggest that while he sorted out a legal thing he is entangled in that we slow down looking for a house. He decided to take this as “I don’t want to move and this is my excuse”. It was ugly. It got personal. We made up but I have felt off and horrible all day.
He said he hadn’t realised how lonely I am because essentially nothing in his life had changed a great deal. Even with his new job he will be going out to work. I literally don’t see anyone. My exciting time is going to a shop to buy food.
I wish I could say that I feel better and like things are resolved but I don’t. I feel vulnerable, I feel defensive still. I can feel this hesitation inside me because I feel like he is going to “attack” again. I guess this is all related to my dad. Something to talk to the counsellor about I guess -_-
Grinning @ the darkness 