My birthday was… a mess.
As much as I had a good time it just unfortunately really fucked about with my head.
Went to dinner with my husband and that morning I realised I’d had no cards from my only remaining family. I had an email from one of my Aunt’s saying she was so caught up in my cousin’s wedding the weekend before that she hadn’t had a chance to send it. Then while I’m at dinner, on my birthday, my aunt sends an email out to the family saying ‘what a wonderful time we had at the wedding, now to move onto the next landmark event *Uncle*’s birthday’. No acknowledgement this was being sent on my birthday. No comment at all.
I’ve just felt more and more like I don’t have a family other than what I have on my husband’s side but I still don’t KNOW them. Then one of his sisters is on about moving to the US and his parents are on about going to Scotland.
Then at the same dinner my husband sees he needs to get called into work the following night. I’d booked time off work and nearly cancelled it but kept it booked in because I’d actually be booked off with him. It just really upset me.
One of my friends asked how his job was going and I said ‘depends what day of the week you’re asking’. The pendulum flies between “I hate this job, I want to hand my notice in tomorrow” and “I had a good night, I can do this job” and of course the common catchphrase “I’m so exhausted”. He used to at least have a regular shift pattern so we could plan things but that’s gone out of the window.
Then my anxiety has really kicked off in terms of my dad. We’ve now been in the house for a year and I’m worried if he’s sent a card or something to the old house they will have returned it. I’m worried he will somehow know where I am and turn up and try and hurt me or worse hurt my dog to hurt me. This is the same guy that threw my dog over a 6ft+ hedge when I was a child because she was barking. He only let her back in the house because I was screaming-crying that I hated him. He’d done the same to my mom’s dog when they were together before me. This is the man she chose to have a child with -_-
My counsellor would say when I would worry about these things of ‘do you think he would actually do this?’. The problem is yes and no at the same time. Given some of the horrible shit he did throughout my life – yes he is capable. If I’m trying to be a rational grown adult – no I think this would be too much effort.
Logically though he must be retired now or at least coming up to it given his age but I have no idea. I tried searching for his step brothers and stepmom on facebook to see if there was any sign of him but I think they’ve officially cut ties with him as well.
My latest anxiety is he’ll pour petrol through my letterbox and set my house on fire and I won’t be able to get to my dog. Or that he’s been sat outside watching me come and go from the house to confirm it’s me. The new owners of my last house don’t have my forwarding address but what if he paid someone to find me?
My head is such a state at the moment and I don’t have anyone to talk to because they all had normal human beings for parents. Given my mom’s side of the family seemingly had no idea I didn’t see him at all there’s no point me trying to talk to them about it.
It’s awful because I think of the day when he actually dies I’ll feel free but will anyone even tell me? Sometimes I search his name to see if he comes up in any news articles. He’s a computer luddite so he’s got no online presence at all.
I just want to feel safe.
Grinning @ the darkness 