Death by 1k cuts

Moving house (or at least trying to) is one of the worst things I have/am doing in my entire life. The amount of damage this whole process has done to my mental health is unreal… and it isn’t even over yet.

So we nearly made it. We saw a beautiful house that we fell in love with and accepted an offer for. We were nearly at the end of the process when the mom of the family got seriously ill (hello trigger) and they had to pull out. So we went back to a house we’d made an offer on the week before we saw the house that made me cry and after a load of toing and froing he finally accepted the same offer that we made 2 months previously. Aka if he had actually accepted our offer at that point we would have probably already moved.

This whole process has been especially horrific thanks to the fact that it hinges entirely on me. My current house (that I own thanks to my mom dying) is the deposit along with the last of my inheritance. Therefore everything to do with selling this place can only go through me. Oh and I have crippling financial anxiety thanks to growing up broke and having dyscalculia. I thought I’d factored in all of the costs involved but apparently not given things like getting pressured to get the heating and electrics tested (at my cost) that then got used to barter more off the price, insurance indemnities for the area where you put the bin out etc.

2 weeks ago our solicitor said he would propose signing the contracts last Friday and moving this Friday. We then both got Covid for the first time but obviously we still might have to move. Picture us hauling stuff out of the loft, boxing things up all while coughing and having temperatures. I’m ringing moving firms trying to get quotes but I can’t book anything because I don’t have a definite date and unless I have that then I lose my deposit.

Finally chase the solicitor who admits by the day before we are supposed to be signing that we won’t be because our buyer’s solicitor still has a stupid query. So everything is back on hold. Most of what we own is in boxes. I am exhausted.

I am so, so so tired. I do not have anything left. If this falls through I’ve told my husband I give up. I can’t start this over again. The kids will have to suck it up, we will have to suck it up.

I wake up every day during the working week with a sense of dread because there might be yet another email needing money or another set of quotes I need to get or another piece of bad fucking news. I wake up on the weekend surrounded by fucking boxes, unable to find things. I can’t move around my own home.

I am so exhausted. I have a fear response to the googlemail pop up which is not very useful when Linkedin keeps emailing me.

But apparently this is all just me ‘sucking the fun’ out of moving house! Oh what a terrible drag I am PAYING FOR EVERYTHING, RINGING EVERYONE and HAVING TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS SHIT AND GIVE UP MY SAFE, PAID FOR SPACE FOR 2 KIDS WHO WOULDN’T CARE IF I DROPPED DEAD.

What am I doing? This is the only space I’ve known for 10 years. It’s got me through the treacherous ending of a 7 year relationship, job losses, my mom passing away. It became my security and my thing to rely on even through its unreliable angles.

I’m trying to tell myself that this is going to be beneficial for me and my family but in the other part of my mind all I can see are the rising fuel bills everyone is experiencing and the cost of living shooting up.

I just want this to be over. I want to wake up in the morning in a room where I know that I won’t have to move everything I own. I want to be able to put my art up and my altars. I want to feel settled and I haven’t felt settled in well over a year and a half now.

My dad sent me a letter and I just don’t care. I don’t have the capacity to care about things at the moment. I’m sick of feeling. I started disassociating last week from stress. I feel on the edge of tears almost all the time. I can’t make plans because I don’t know when The Event is going to happen.

I am so so so exhausted and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.