Bucket of sad

I feel like in the inside of my chest cavity there’s a little plastic bag full of sadness and sorrow, like a waterballoon. I can feel it sitting there, if I poke it mentally I can feel the sadness rising up inside me like I want to wail. It won’t come out of me.

I went for drinks yesterday with my work colleagues and my husband wanted to go out afterwards and it just made me feel sick and sad. I’m not that bothered about drinking, I’d rather have food but I do it because of trying to masquerade as a human being who enjoys socialising with other human beings.

I think he’s autistic. I’d put money on it. So I don’t know if what he goes through is autistic burnout or if it’s just the depression from having to cope with nearly half a lifetime of being undiagnosed but it’s… a lot. We had our holiday and it was nice but I came home and everything I’d left behind just hit me. I purposefully made a video on holiday of where I was sitting in a hammock that was attached to an orange tree, slowly rocking under a clear blue sky. I knew that I would need to remember that life can be different to how it is 99% of the time but I was hoping it wouldn’t have to be so soon.

We were back for one day and then the next he soared straight off the deep end. It’s like everything is fine and then all of a sudden every atom of the world is wrong and horrible and he can’t cope. Can’t cope with his job, can’t cope with living. I’m trying to let it run but it’s hard. He’s on about just handing his notice in but we hadn’t even started trying to work on his resume etc, he convinced me we needed to move from my mortgage free house to move to this bigger one. I’m on a contract at my job that I don’t know if it will be made permanent and they’ve literally just closed half the business. Oh and I used the last chunk of my savings to help him when this happened last time on the promise I would get it back from his inheritance… that his mom has decided to keep for herself, or didn’t exist in the first place I’m not sure.

Then almost as quickly as everything is awful it’s fine. He’s fine. No problems. But I’m left drenched from this storm that blew over while he’s suddenly okay. I’m triggered and just stood there while he’s saying there isn’t a problem anymore. I’d bottled loads of this up before we went away and then told him how it makes me feel. I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m trying really hard to acknowledge that most of this is hitting triggers from my past but my brain just goes ‘fine, go then. Fuck off’. I’m so exhausted.

We had a whole day of face to face work yesterday about what they want the structure of the company to be in 2025 and I just felt like such a fraud sat there because I have no idea if they’re going to keep me or not. The more I sat there the more it sank in and just made me feel worse. It’s just intensifying everything because I feel like I can’t trust that I’ll be employed past June next year, maybe even before if things go wrong.

I want to cry but it just isn’t coming out again. I’ll cry for a short burst and then that’s it but I can still feel the sadness in me. I need to sort out so many things to do with the house but they all obviously involve money and my instinct is to not spend anything.

It’s my birthday soon and I don’t want it. I know if I want to do anything it will be on me to plan, it will be on me to organise and I just don’t care. I wish I hadn’t booked it off work. All I want is for someone else to look after me and do things for me but I’m always the responsible one, I’m always the one that has to do things and organise things and make things happen. My dream would be that my husband turns round and says ‘I’ve booked this restaurant, I’ve got you this really beautiful cake and some flowers’ That’s all I want but I know it’s not going to happen. Yes I could be less petulant and ask him but that’s on me again.

100% done

I think I got to my lockdown limit (again) today. I’ve been trying to make myself be good, have a structure and give up the bad habits I’ve got into… it’s hard when basically the only joy left to me in the world is eating.

I was looking forward to my language class starting up again to the point this is basically my only other human interaction time outside of work other than dnd. Well guess what got cancer today. I just felt sick, then sad, then the urge to just lie on the floor and cry came back. I haven’t had that for a while.

Why is it always the times when I think I’ll have nothing to talk to my counsellor about that I end up having an awful time?

My husband keeps dropping hints about moving somewhere bigger but it terrifies me. Even thinking about it just makes me want to lie down. When I bought this place I did imagine one day having a kid here… however he has 2. I’m permanently working from home so one of the bedrooms is my office 90% of the time. I feel bad that they don’t have their own proper rooms where they can leave their toys out but I’m scared of moving. The only bonus of my mom’s death was that I paid my mortgage off so the idea of moving somewhere and getting into 100k+ worth of debt when the country’s economy is in the toilet just isn’t appealing. I’m worried about my job and my only saving grace is that at least I lost it tomorrow I have savings to live off. Besides which the house needs so much doing to it but where do you even start getting someone in during a pandemic lockdown?

I feel so, so so fucking lonely. I feel like every time I try and get close to my husband (the only human being I see) he pulls away or he’s just not there. This weekend was the first one in a long time where he didn’t fall asleep at 7pm on the Saturday. I know its because his mental health isn’t great either but I feel so alone. If it wasn’t for the dog I’d honestly be in a much darker place right now.

Throughout all of last year I think about how I just got through it but I feel like the fuel has fully run out of my tank right now.

I have such a busy day at work tomorrow and all I can think of is me losing my job because clients are dropping like flies. I really like this job as well, I think that is what makes it worse in some respects.

I want to know that the future will be okay and there will be a date where i can be stood at a metal gig surrounded by people, my back tattoo is done, I’m having a drink, my calendar is full. It just feels so impossible.