Vibrating brain

I don’t know how to describe it…

Like I thought when people talked about ‘brain shocks’ that this was going to hurt. I stocked up on headache meds just incase.

It doesn’t hurt… it’s like a kind of vibration/static. Like a reverberation.

Honestly, people on the internet talk about ringing their dr and going down to more of a decreased dose but the one I spoke to basically said “oh you’re only on 50mg, just take it alternate days for a week and then come off”. I mean short of grinding them up and splitting out the powder how am I going to make the tiny tablet any smaller?

I had no idea it was going to be like this. I feel dizzy in bursts, static head rushes in bursts. Thankfully the emotional stuff wells up but I can fight it off unlike last week where I just spent a day crying.

I was researching on the internet and it was basically saying there’s hardly any research done into the side effects of coming off but rapid eye movement from side to side can set it off and I think that’s definitely true. It makes it worse but definitely not the only cause.

Today I’ve been sat at work and I feel like my brain is in a foggy soup where getting any information is hard if not impossible. I am absolutely exhausted despite getting sleep. Walking to and from a corner shop made me roasting hot. If I mentally poke at my emotions I could burst into tears. Honestly I could do an oscar winning performance right now.

Worst of all is having to have the ‘coming out’ about having mental health issues. Back in the day I would have chopped my hands off and eaten them rather than admit to having issues, I didn’t even admit it to myself. My previous manager ended up finding out when I fell apart over thinking my dad was missing/dead a few years ago. So far I’ve got it under wraps with the new team as they generally don’t seem to care what’s going on with me as long as I’m doing work.

I already feel inadequate and shit at this job. The idea of having to ring my manager and say ‘Hi Manager, I have mental health issues and I’m coming off my meds and my brain feels like it’s in a blender on PULSE at the moment’. I know I have to be honest but I don’t want to be. But I know my old manager might say something assuming the new one knows and then I’ll look like a shithead.

Honestly, for the brief period that I feel like these tablets helped I don’t feel like it’s currently worth it. I don’t feel like the impact was as big as I wanted it to be… I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting it to suddenly change things and I’d be HAPPY all the time but I feel like such utter shite and it’s only been a week since I had my last 50mg dose. The Dr said I wouldn’t feel anything until two weeks out. WRONG.

I just want to lie on the sofa under a blanket and cry but I have to be a functional person and I hate it. The only thing I’m counting my blessings for currently is that the kids aren’t here as honestly I think I’d have checked into a hotel or something. I pray that I’m feeling better when they come up.