Vibrating brain

I don’t know how to describe it…

Like I thought when people talked about ‘brain shocks’ that this was going to hurt. I stocked up on headache meds just incase.

It doesn’t hurt… it’s like a kind of vibration/static. Like a reverberation.

Honestly, people on the internet talk about ringing their dr and going down to more of a decreased dose but the one I spoke to basically said “oh you’re only on 50mg, just take it alternate days for a week and then come off”. I mean short of grinding them up and splitting out the powder how am I going to make the tiny tablet any smaller?

I had no idea it was going to be like this. I feel dizzy in bursts, static head rushes in bursts. Thankfully the emotional stuff wells up but I can fight it off unlike last week where I just spent a day crying.

I was researching on the internet and it was basically saying there’s hardly any research done into the side effects of coming off but rapid eye movement from side to side can set it off and I think that’s definitely true. It makes it worse but definitely not the only cause.

Today I’ve been sat at work and I feel like my brain is in a foggy soup where getting any information is hard if not impossible. I am absolutely exhausted despite getting sleep. Walking to and from a corner shop made me roasting hot. If I mentally poke at my emotions I could burst into tears. Honestly I could do an oscar winning performance right now.

Worst of all is having to have the ‘coming out’ about having mental health issues. Back in the day I would have chopped my hands off and eaten them rather than admit to having issues, I didn’t even admit it to myself. My previous manager ended up finding out when I fell apart over thinking my dad was missing/dead a few years ago. So far I’ve got it under wraps with the new team as they generally don’t seem to care what’s going on with me as long as I’m doing work.

I already feel inadequate and shit at this job. The idea of having to ring my manager and say ‘Hi Manager, I have mental health issues and I’m coming off my meds and my brain feels like it’s in a blender on PULSE at the moment’. I know I have to be honest but I don’t want to be. But I know my old manager might say something assuming the new one knows and then I’ll look like a shithead.

Honestly, for the brief period that I feel like these tablets helped I don’t feel like it’s currently worth it. I don’t feel like the impact was as big as I wanted it to be… I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting it to suddenly change things and I’d be HAPPY all the time but I feel like such utter shite and it’s only been a week since I had my last 50mg dose. The Dr said I wouldn’t feel anything until two weeks out. WRONG.

I just want to lie on the sofa under a blanket and cry but I have to be a functional person and I hate it. The only thing I’m counting my blessings for currently is that the kids aren’t here as honestly I think I’d have checked into a hotel or something. I pray that I’m feeling better when they come up.

The Great Sertraline Experiment

So as I said before I embarked on this big adventure, I didn’t want it to be permanent. I just needed some help trying to get through the dark months of things still being locked down.

The weight gain has been… real. But I can’t exactly blame the drugs 100%. My husband dropped out of work due to his own mental health issues in June and couldn’t get another job until literally last week. As much as I wanted him to have time to help himself and be supported I feel like this has achieved very little.

Last week I went off to type up some stuff I’ve been working on, happy and buzzing about my creativity coming, I come back downstairs and he’s sat alone in the dark with just one light on. He’d recorded… not quite a suicide note but something bad. In it… I mean he said afterwards when he saw how much it upset me that it wasn’t about me but it was. At least 55%. About how he ‘could never break’ and he had to be the one to help all the time. BITCH I HAVE SPONSORED YOUR MENTAL HEALTH BREAKDOWN FOR 4 MONTHS. I HAVE PAID FOR YOUR KIDS’ SHOES. I told him he needed to get help, he said he didn’t need it. I offered to get him booked in with my cousellor or any counsellor and he said no. I’m hoping his first week back in work will actually jog him back into being somewhat okay.

Anyway… in terms of my drugs. I spoke to the Dr last week and as she said that I was only on 50mg I could basically just come off by doing alternate days for one week and then just stopping. I started, so overjoyed to not be dependant on medication (I have issues with me/people not being able to cope on their own, thanks parents!), I completely didn’t think about the fact I was going to be away for work for 3 days.

So I took my last tablet on Monday. I’m on Thursday now and I have just been crying on and off all day. It feels like all of my empathy has switched on all at once. A story about a woman having to have an abortion because of her baby’s crippling health issues has sent me over. I feel so overwhelmed today by everything. I don’t know if this is the meds or just me being in PMS central.

The past 2 days I’ve just been so tired and wanting to fall asleep. Again, is this the side effects or is this just me? The NHS guidelines don’t specify and I have literally no one to talk to to ask. Everyone I know who has taken this has stayed on it (another reason I want to come off). The Dr said I wouldn’t feel withdrawal for 2 weeks but am I just going downhill and just applying it to the drugs?

I feel like I need a holiday but from everything. It was nice to go away for work to get some space from the house but obviously it was work involved and I am so not used to seeing people face to face for entire days anymore. Maybe I’m just coming down from that?

I’m determined not to go back on meds again. I knew that expecting my brain to know how to make its own serotonin was too much to hope for -_-

Don’t start new meds when your step kids are here

I’ve got my follow up appointment with my doctor on Thursday. It’s hard to say at the moment whether I’m actually feeling better or not and I know it can take time to bed in…

On the plus side: I don’t have my horrifically self destructive voice. I’ve had no intrusive thoughts. I haven’t felt continually sad the entire time. I haven’t been crying as much. In a weird way after extensive testing I’ve found that chocolate doesn’t ‘hit’ the same way it used to, it’s just a food now rather than a mood enhancing drug.

On the downside: I keep feeling sick off and on. I’ve just felt really, really tired. My motivation hasn’t reappeared yet. I just don’t really feel like doing much of anything.

The ‘o’ problem is still occurring. I read an article saying to try before you take your next dose to give it a go because the levels of the chemicals are low in your body but… no. I don’t think I’m brave enough to raise it with the doctor… I just keep trying to rehearse the conversation in my head and I can’t do it. Even if it was a female doctor.

The issue with the ‘feeling tired’ thing is that I don’t know whether this is just the side effect of having a 5 and 6 year old in the house who have decided to take out all their pent up frustration on us. The 6yo is basically acting like a 16 yo and I am SO TIRED of fighting against her. It’s just made me the happiest that I have ever been about my decision to not have kids. I don’t have the energy to look after myself let alone them.

I mean at first it was good. I was so stoned on the drugs that nothing they were doing or saying was getting to me.

Then we went to the playground and I was sat on a bench watching them play, not wanting to move or do much of anything. There was a lady there that was this blonde, beautiful Scandanavian woman who was playing with her kids and she was just….. so alive. She was having fun with them and engaging with them and you could see all the kids, even my step kids, were drawn to her… and then there’s just me slumped on a bench looking like a blob fish. She spoke to me as she left about my 2 and I just… I didn’t feel like I was even worthy of being spoken to.

I just hope that they know that we’re doing our best. It doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

There’s supposed to be another press conference today about ‘opening things up’ but from the sound of it basically nothing is going to change until May. It just feels so hopeless.

The kids are going back today so I’m hoping I can try and drag myself back onto the band wagon and get myself back on track with losing weight and doing exercise etc.

Shit shit shit

So. Day 5 of sertraline, had the night to myself so decided to indulge in some “me time” and… nothing. Tried harder. Nothing. Googled “anti depressants stop orgasms” and a whole page of results.

Some things say it might just he a short term thing. Some say it is just the way it is while I’m on the meds. The idea of this being a thing for 6 months is pretty terrifying to be honest.

That and the fact everything I looked at said weight gain was a thing which is just.. not what I want at the moment. I mean the good thing is that this is all working in that the overwhelming sadness and depression is gone. The past day or so the sickness has kind of gone. I just don’t really have any interest in food anymore but I don’t know if that is just how normal people should be. Like I ordered a shitload of chocolate in the sales and it came today so once my husband had gone to work I broke into it and… nothing. I guess one other good side effect is that I feel so…neutral that even when the step kids are annoying it isn’t getting to me.

I feel terrified at how this is affecting my body and that makes me want to stop but now I am kind of scared to. I just want to keep them till we can get out of this bastard never ending lockdown. Even if I could just get the gym back it would be something to fight back with.

I’ll keep going, I’ve gone too far now to stop..

But I’m scared

The medicated adventures of me

I’m on day 3 now so I guess it is somewhat kicking in. I started off being excited to take something to see if it would help. I wanted to start feeling better…

Well so far I am mainly just falling asleep everywhere. I slept 11 hours yesterday and then kept falling asleep off and on throughout the day. Messaged my depression guru friend and he said this is just how it works. The Drs said that it can take 2 weeks of side effects before it can bed in.

I was thinking yesterday about how tired I tend to feel and I wonder if this is basically how I would be if it wasn’t for the constant self loathing pushing me forward? I haven’t had that intrusive brain goblin telling me awful things so it’s been a nice break from that I guess.

Took my dose this morning and my head feels weird. Kind of like there is a weighted blanket on it or it is full of heavy cotton wool.

I could sleep again. My friend said the best thing to do is just to go with it but the step kids are here so there’s not much I can do there.

Cool kids club

I finally gave in today, made notes and then rang the doctors. I ended up having a phone appointment today with a very nice Doctor who listened to me and was understanding. Explained my diagnosis in 2017, explained I knew at that point that my issues needed counselling rather than meds because the meds wouldn’t take away what I’d been through, explained that my coping mechanisms have all evaporated courtesy of covid and lockdowns, explained I’ve just got to the end of the road with anything I can do myself.

I went for a 2 hour walk yesterday to the supermarket that’s further away as something to do. I hadn’t eaten all day, came home and stuffed my face with biscuits and chocolate. Super healthy choices me, huzzah.

So I’ve got a prescription waiting for me today at the pharmacy and then an appointment in 2 weeks to discuss how I’m getting on. The Dr actually asked me what I wanted to go on and out of prozac and sertraline I chose the later as my depression guru friend has recommended it before. I said I was concerned about side effects or getting hooked but he said that in itself was a good sign as not wanting to be on them in the first place means I should hopefully know when to draw the line under it. He’s recommending 6 months and then coming off so we’ll see what happens. Given the way the world has been I can’t even imagine whether things will be better or worse in 6 months. My husband pointed out we might even be in another house by that point which is… weird.

Talking through with the doctor I said I understand it isn’t going to be a magical cureall. I get it won’t make me happy but just not feeling so awful would be a good first step. Sometimes I just wish that I knew what a normal human being was meant to feel like.

I’m just sad that it’s got to this point but I’m not sad I’ve gone to get help. I’m still scared of side effects and everything else that goes hand and hand with it but if I don’t do anything at all it’s not going to change.