So there is apparently a thing called ‘smiling depression’.
I know this because my mom practically ran at me waving articles in my face, except this was on the internet so it didn’t happen exactly that way.
The jist of it is along the same lines as people who are anorexic but are really good at hiding it. I am very good at hiding exactly how I feel. I have been good at this for approximately 13 years.
I will occassionally not be very good at this. Will self combust in the privacy of my own home and then will slowly glue the pieces back together again.
I don’t see it as smiling depression. I see it as the title of this blog. Smiling makes it sound benign. Grinning instead makes me think of a rictus grin, a shit eating grin… one that someone has when they have a gun to their head and they’re told to smile.
I highly doubt that any of my smiling, during my ‘smiling depression’ time has been very convincing but then people don’t want to be convinced. One of the many things you realise in life is that people, generally, are far too busy being buried in their own shit to notice anything actually going on with you.
You know that you are actually not making up your depression when you actually go to a counsellor and they look at the notes they’ve taken, raise their eyebrows and make a noise that translates as ‘hoo boy’.
You know that you are not actually a drama queen when you look at the events of your life, written down in chronological order on paper, and realise that these are not normal. These are not things that happen to people.
You still feel like a drama queen because despite this you still have functioning limbs and a house and the fact you have a parent that is bothered enough to help you get counselling sessions rather than waiting 6 weeks for an initial NHS consultation.
NHS woman: Have you had suicidal thoughts
Me: Yes
NHS woman: What thoughts?
Me: I want to die. This is all too much, I’m feeling too much
NHS woman: But what specific thoughts? Have you made any plans
Me: Yes. I’ve done a lot of research
NHS woman: You need to tell me the details please
Me: Well it seems like the best way to do things is to shoot yourself with a gun otherwise you’re basically involving other people in your misery and running the risk of brain damage which would be worse. A shot gun would be best however to apply for a shotgun licence you have to go to the police station and have a good reason and my brain isn’t working well enough to come up with one. I’d throw myself in front of a train but then some poor guy is going to have to squeegee me off the front of the window and then they’re going to have to ring up asking for counselling [I laugh. She laughs]
NHS woman: So you haven’t tried to commit suicide
Me: No because I don’t have a shotgun
I am very good at making people laugh. In the middle of discussing my thorough research into how best to kill myself I genuinely made her laugh. I consider this is the equivalent of the professional anorexic being able to distract you from the fact they haven’t been eating.
I went through the exact same questionnaire twice. I am asked to clinically rate my depression on levels of 1-3, 1-8. I keep getting confused as to which end of the scale means what.
I jump through many hoops. I am a good performing circus dog.
I am told that there is a 6 week wait for an initial consultation. I am told if I am in immediate danger of killing myself to ring Samaritans (to cry at someone down the phone who can do nothing), to go to my GP (ring at 8.30am, 1.30pm to enter an appointment lottery or sacrifice a black goat and pray to Baphomet for a time of your choosing) or ring the police. Because I don’t already feel like the biggest drama queen in the world.
The problem with starting to try and deal with these issues is that I have been broken, over and over, and then been trying to glue myself back together in order to function. To be strong. To not be needy or weak. The problem is that the pieces keep getting smaller each time they’re broken. The glue isn’t very good at sticking just to glue.
I am tired.
I go to counselling. The counsellor agrees I need counselling. I go home and contemplate the fact I need to go to work in order to exist. I try and start sticking the pieces of my joker/rictus/manic grinning mask back together. It won’t work.
Fuck.