I don’t like feeling out of control which will amuse anyone who read about what I got up to while drunk the other weekend. I think the thing is though that I was still in control, just the usual filter that I operate through had gone.
This weekend I have had to deal with socialising, possible romantic involvement and horrendous friendship politics.
Yesterday I got in a bit of a state (for a change). What isn’t helping is that I’m 2 weeks late in having fallen to the communists which isn’t that out of the ordinary because of the coil I had fitted but is still disconcerting as hell. It also means I’ve had a psychosomatic bad back for about five days now. You also always have that worry that even though the coil is supposed to be more effective than most other things that you will be the case that proves the exception. I did a test last night just in case and it came up negative… but again the voice goes ‘but what if it’s too early’.
So I’m shoving that in the corner of my mind.
I’m meeting with the guy I’ve been talking to soon. He has issues, I have issues. My main set of issues at the moment revolves around the fact that part of me is feeling like a 16 year old girl. I genuinely have butterflies. When he flirts with me I grin like an idiot. Then sat next to the 16 year old is the jaded 45 year old who is sat with a newspaper, occasionally looking over the top and saying ‘you’re a fucking idiot, he’s lying to you’.
I’m still trying to process what my counselor said and what I know to be true in that I’ve been psychologically conditioned from a young age to be a carer, to be a people pleaser and someone who cares for others. To be the strong one. I’m concerned that part of this is coming from my need to mother and heal and the other part is coming from the intense loneliness that just wants to love and be loved.
One moment I feel like I’m just about to skip into feeling happy and optimistic and then I’m getting rugby tackled into the ground by my past. I’ve always gone for the glass being half empty and believing that the worse case scenario is the one most likely to happen… because it generally does. In my mind it’s just called being prepared.
I’m so fucking scared of being hurt and yet I know that’s part of the gamble with relationships.
I’m so fucking scared of loving someone and yet it’s all I want.
The shit taking tolerance is also at a new record low so unfortunately I’m telling unfortunate truths and taking names. When you’ve been coached to lie about a dark family secret under pain of the apocalypse happening you become pretty good at lying and hiding what you’re truly thinking and feeling… apparently this is wearing off. Everyone is telling me this is a good thing but if I just napalm my whole life I’m scared there’ll be nothing left to rebuild from. I want to leave my job, I want to leave all the complications I have and just go and live in a monastry on a mountain for a bit… but I guess that wouldn’t help with the loneliness!
The weekend worked out though. What I had originally written off as a ‘grandma weekend’ of sitting in with netflix and crafts (like the 50s+/dead on the inside version of netflix and chill) I ended up getting invited out at the last minute and made myself say yes.
Turns out dancing to the Venga Boys at 1am in a shitty club was exactly what I needed.
Just give me the strength to be brave with my job and be brave with trying to take a chance on this guy and I have to hope that maybe something will work out. If I’m alone at least let me be happy in my job and be successful. If I have a shitty job just please let me have someone to love and who actually fucking loves me.
Or even just help me process the fact someone even could.